Grieving family you never had

[squashandasqueeze1]

Now I’m married with 2 young children, a huge wave of sadness is really starting to hit me and play on my mind around the family I never had and I guess feeling ‘deprived’ of that? I’ve always wished I had a close family - siblings that could be like friends and a family where you know where you stood with them and never feel a burden or that you have to keep things from them for fear of being judged? I also feel guilt that I don’t have any grandparents to pass to my children.

My parents separated when I was tiny so I don’t recall them ever being together even though I wished for it and thinking about it bizarrely still makes me tear up even now.
DM married an alcoholic who would barely even speak to me and had a child with a 7 year age gap. We get on but rarely ever speak and they’ve never met my children.
DM divorced them and then married a much older abusive man who was physically and emotionally abusive and very controlling to my sibling, me and the dogs. Stayed with him even knowing all of this and me spending my home life sat in my room. I moved out very young to get away and she finally divorced him.

DM worked a lot when I was a child but we were never close anyway - she’d judge anything in my life negatively and would be physical with me on occasions or have outbursts of hysterical crying and emotion that me as a child didn’t know how to deal with or what to do. Buy me a puppy then rehome it if I wasn’t doing the work for it (despite not doing it herself - which she did twice). She seems to want a close relationship now but I can’t forgive her for my childhood and would never let her be unsupervised with my own.

DF - I always idolised. He was the fun, ‘mate’ parent which is amazing as a child. He didn’t provide financially though aside from maintenance or emotionally (still doesn’t now). He had 2x children with his new wife who was also horrible and not welcoming to me. I think they’re around 20 and 18 now. We don’t see each other or speak. One minute she’d be nice to you, the next she’d barely want to speak to you. They also had a further child who is about 9 now who he’d tell me he didn’t want and was ‘trapped’ into but got a tattoo for me covered up with a tattoo for them so he has tattoos for those 3 children and not me anymore.

DF separated from this wife later in my life and has had 2 relationships I know about. Both moved very fast and would get stuck in a cycle of being wonderful and then crashing down to which he’d ring me to unload it all, repeat. He now lives in a rented flat by himself and just keeps getting new cars and motorbikes on finance when he gets bored of his existing ones. I’m not about money as I’ve never asked my family for anything in life but just thinking about my own children - he’s got nothing to leave us and no security for when the time comes as to life insurances/plans etc.

I had my 30th birthday last year and he didn’t even wish me happy birthday. This was, stupidly sounding, devastating to me as I’ve always adored him, no matter what he did. It was his birthday a few days later so, with it still being raw, I didn’t reach out to him either. I haven’t heard from him since. He’s only met my children a handful of times and doesn’t know when their birthdays are.

I would do anything for my children to make sure they’ve got the best life and I feel so sad that I essentially don’t really have any wider family of my own and that they couldn’t think the same about me.
How do you get past these feelings?

I’m sorry your parents are so completely rubbish! Basically, as difficult as it is, you’ll have to find a way to come to terms with the fact that your parents are very damaged and inadequate people who weren’t and aren’t fit to parent.

I know “counselling” is suggested a lot, but it can be incredibly helpful and is the only thing I can think of that could help you process your feelings and find the best way to move forward - I say this as someone who was more or less ‘saved’ from PTSD by a fabulous counsellor.

Both of your parents repeatedly let you down when you were small. It sounds like you didn’t feel safe or loved. These are basic requirements that children need to thrive.

I’d say you don’t owe either parent anything. Don’t expect anything from your father, as you’ll just be disappointed yet again. I wouldn’t forgive your mother for not protecting you during childhood either. I i wouldn’t want either of these people to have access or influence over my young DC.

Distance yourself. Give nothing of yourself and expect nothing in return. Work on boundaries to protect yourself - surely you’ve been through enough trauma and upset with both of them, so why allow them access to create more?

Focus on your own family and DC. You sound very self aware and determined to not repeat the patterns of your own childhood with your DC. That’s amazing, given how dysfunctional your early life was.

Try to look at your parents coolly, from a distance - you see their flaws and personality problems, but don’t let them affect you. You have basically survived a rotten childhood, and your success as a mother and a human being is down to your own strength, determination and resilience. You can flourish in spite of your parents, but sadly you can’t change them or change the past.

I’m getting a bit older now, and really don’t have the time or energy to deal with emotional vampires and suchlike. If I were you I’d distance, distance, distance myself, look for a good counsellor, protect my DC and live my life.

You sound lovely. I’m sure I’d be very proud to have you as my DD. Please try to work through your early experiences/feelings with a decent counsellor, so you can finally put down that box of sad/bad feelings - you were given it by your parents at a very young age and have been carrying it around for so long, and it’s heavy. Definitely time to dump it.

It’s okay to spend some time grieving for what you never had and wishing things were different, but don’t waste too much time doing it. We only have one life and it passes so quickly. Wish I could give you a big hug and tell you how well you’re doing and that I’m proud of you. Good luck with it all.

Well you don't. It will always hurt. However, you have the opportunity to build the family you wished for and your children bring so many good moments into your life. When you feel sad about your childhood remember it taught you how important it is to feel loved and accepted by your parents and you will do that for your children.

I think it's amazing that despite everything you went through and the poor parenting you experienced you have the insight, motivation and emotional capacity to do better by your own children. This is really admirable and very far from a given. You are breaking the cycle. Please do try to hold on to that.