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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend troubles

15 replies

Mandy24 · 28/05/2024 11:24

Im clearly new to this but wanted to give it a go and see if I can get some help!
I'm in a relationship 3 years now with my partner and even if I don't do anything wrong that would make him angry or whatever, he has this radical reactions where he gets annoyed and stops talking to me on purpose making me ask him what's wrong or what did I do wrong now even when I'm not doing anything at all! I beg him to let it go and that it's not important until he demands I have to do what he says. I don't react great to this response he gives me and the more the situation goes on the more frustrating it is for me because he acts like a kid until he gets his own way. Even if he's in the wrong he never apologises to me. He doesn't want to understand me either. It's not fair because he makes me later react in a way that I would never, like provoking a character in me that's not me and I'm not happy about this. I always try to fix things but he doesn't meet me half way and make up. It's always me making the biggest effort all the time proving to him all what he wants and demands from me. And then he apologises in a way that he doesn't mean it once he sees I'm annoyed and pissed off I can't take well these stupid situations any more. He's very stubborn. But now he's making me look like the bad guy and ignoring me not talking to me. I don't provoke situations to argue I always try to fix things as soon as I can because I don't like arguing with anyone, I'm very understandable but not when I feel it's stupid pity things that make no sort of sense at all and I feel limited to what I can do.

OP posts:
TheLoudLeader · 28/05/2024 11:50

Sounds like I’m in a relationship with the same guy !!

I went out yesterday for space and got so many questions about what I was doing, when I’d be back. He’s gone out today, nothing just blamed me for stuff he’d caused.

I don’t know how to handle it either. It’s like he can’t get over anything, just stews on things for days and then gets depressed he’s wasted days being down. You can’t win. I don’t know what to suggest… does he talk to you ? Say why he’s acting like that ? My partner never says sorry either, he’s actually never sorry, when he feels guilt he blames me for what he’s said or how he’s acted.

yellowsmileyface · 28/05/2024 11:53

You're in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. He does this so that you'll be so scared of ever saying or doing anything to trigger these moods of his that you'll act like the perfectly submissive stepford wife who never complains about anything.

You can try your best to always keep the peace, never complain, never criticize, never express your feelings or hurt, but it will never be enough and he'll just create something to get upset about to keep you on your toes. You'll never be able to get him to see your side of things, because he already does, and he doesn't care. He knows exactly what he's doing. You can't reason with men like that because they simply don't want to act on reason. They know perfectly well they're being unreasonable and it works for them.

The only way to deal with men like this is to leave.

Mandy24 · 28/05/2024 12:17

TheLoudLeader · 28/05/2024 11:50

Sounds like I’m in a relationship with the same guy !!

I went out yesterday for space and got so many questions about what I was doing, when I’d be back. He’s gone out today, nothing just blamed me for stuff he’d caused.

I don’t know how to handle it either. It’s like he can’t get over anything, just stews on things for days and then gets depressed he’s wasted days being down. You can’t win. I don’t know what to suggest… does he talk to you ? Say why he’s acting like that ? My partner never says sorry either, he’s actually never sorry, when he feels guilt he blames me for what he’s said or how he’s acted.

Yes completely the same character in my guy as much as yours.
There's no way of asking him anything because he doesn't reason with me for nothing. It's his way or no way. We are both at home and he's completely ignoring me completely depressed and not doing nothing. He also wastes days being down without eating or drinking. He's very harsh. I can never win. Even if it's not even about winning but like there's no way to reason things out like adults. Even if I ask him he doesn't answer so I don't bother anymore. My partner never feels bad about everything because he has his head so high that he is always saying to me, "I'm always right" and your not. I don't know what to do either. But I am getting very tired of these situations. He takes the keys away so I can't go out of the house like provoking me to act in a way I would never. I never treat him the way he treats me. I wouldn't dream of it. He doesn't want to put himself in my shoes from my side to see the other part. He's not reasonable with anything. He decides and I can't question him never. How do you deal with it?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/05/2024 12:17

He's a twat. Dump.

kitteninabasket · 28/05/2024 12:19

He takes the keys away so I can't go out of the house like provoking me to act in a way I would never.

Woah.

I don't know what to do [...] How do you deal with it?

You leave. Why are you putting up with this? Do you not think you're worth more?

Mandy24 · 28/05/2024 12:21

kitteninabasket · 28/05/2024 12:19

He takes the keys away so I can't go out of the house like provoking me to act in a way I would never.

Woah.

I don't know what to do [...] How do you deal with it?

You leave. Why are you putting up with this? Do you not think you're worth more?

It's impossible if he's always putting me down. He's too dominant. I don't know why

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 28/05/2024 12:23

He provokes you because he wants you to act in a way he can label as abusive, so that he can convince you that you're the problem instead of him.

What are the barriers preventing you from leaving? Do you have a trusted friend or family member you could talk to, or even stay with temporarily whilst you work out the logistics?

Opentooffers · 28/05/2024 12:30

The answer of what to do is avoid and not date people like this. Maybe it would be helpful to look into why you've put up with it it for years, the answer lies in the in-between times. They set up a cycle of being nice than not nice - abuse cycle.
Not letting you out of the house! Why is your standard especially low with that? The first time that happened should of been your cue to leave.
He will carry on doing this for as long as you stick around and put up with it.

Mandy24 · 28/05/2024 12:38

yellowsmileyface · 28/05/2024 12:23

He provokes you because he wants you to act in a way he can label as abusive, so that he can convince you that you're the problem instead of him.

What are the barriers preventing you from leaving? Do you have a trusted friend or family member you could talk to, or even stay with temporarily whilst you work out the logistics?

For the moment I don't have another place to go to, this is why I'm worried.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 28/05/2024 12:44

I would advise you to speak to Women's Aid, as they'll be able to provide practical support. You can access support through either a call, email, or live chat.

Where abouts in the country are you based?

MsPavlichenko · 28/05/2024 12:45

Call Women’s Aid for advice. Look at the Freedom Programme online. You are being abused , it doesn’t matter why he is doing it, he is abusing you and it won’t stop. In fact it will get worse.

whyhavetheygotsomany · 28/05/2024 12:45

You need to get another place to go quickly because this won't get any better. Read what you wrote back to yourself and ask yourself what you would tell a friend to do. You need to leave him asap you can't fix this

TheLoudLeader · 28/05/2024 15:08

Taking the keys away is awful ! Sorry that you have to deal with that. What does he say when he returns ? How long does he go out for ?!

I wonder why he’s so down. Like is he actually depressed or border line ? Definitely not defending him just trying to figure why he would do that. Like the not speaking or eating !!

My partner goes out after he’s upset me, doesn’t say what he’s doing but asks what I’m up too… like obviously what’s he think I’m doing getting my hair done ?! No !! Then if I was to go out it’s “what’s your plans?” “When are you back”

Hope you are okay xx

Mandy24 · 28/05/2024 16:07

TheLoudLeader · 28/05/2024 15:08

Taking the keys away is awful ! Sorry that you have to deal with that. What does he say when he returns ? How long does he go out for ?!

I wonder why he’s so down. Like is he actually depressed or border line ? Definitely not defending him just trying to figure why he would do that. Like the not speaking or eating !!

My partner goes out after he’s upset me, doesn’t say what he’s doing but asks what I’m up too… like obviously what’s he think I’m doing getting my hair done ?! No !! Then if I was to go out it’s “what’s your plans?” “When are you back”

Hope you are okay xx

I hope you don't mind asking but Is there any way I can talk to you directly?
Because we have a such similiar situation I would really like to talk to you about it a bit more x

OP posts:
Pussycat22 · 10/11/2024 12:12

My husband is an ex. Go figure. Save yourself and your breath.

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