Online dating is making me want my ex back

[roses321]

So I am going through a bit of a rough time right now.

A year ago I left my ex who was verbally abusive, cheated, and told me to get out of our house (jointly owned) and made my life so miserable I could barely function.
The problem is that I fancied him SO much, like I have never met anyone I felt so attracted to. What that says about me I don't know, but I've been having counselling and living in a room share for the past year.

I'm very sad and lonely all things considered. I'm 40, I don't have that family unit everyone else my age has, I am grateful for my housemates and the peace and support I get at home, I just wish I had the picket fence/husband situation that I felt like I was having with my ex (even though it was never like that, I still tried to pretend).

I can't really move on until our house is sold which means I have to have very low contact with him, which breaks my heart, no contact at all is the best way for me to go with things because of how upset I still am a YEAR LATER. It's ridiculous, I hate myself for not being over it and still ruminating.

I've been on about 10 dates since then, all a no, and yesterday I met a guy who I got on with really well... really nice guy...except his photos were one thing and him in person was another - he'd put on a significant amount of weight, and I mean to the point where he was basically bordering on obese and his tummy was hanging over his shorts. I was so upset because I just am sick of men who are not honest. I'm sick of having no-one, I'm sick of feeling behind, and lately I've gone from feeling happy (going to the gym, achieving good things for myself and having peace in my life) to feeling quite lonely, sad and really wishing things were different with my ex.

My ex blamed me for everything, said I was mentally unstable (I was anxious and depressed during the relationship, partly because of his actions and partly because i'm prone to that - it wasn't all him) - he said he stayed with me because he thought I'd spiral if he didn't and I don't understand how that would have lead to him moving in with me, proposing to me and then buying a house with me. I'm glad we never got married or had children, it would have trapped me, but I still question whether I caused this and whether he's being the man I wanted with his new partner (who apparently is also anxious and depressed but brave enough to ask for help from him unlike me). She's 24 and he's 48. I feel rejected, not good enough and sad right now.

Did I do this to myself?

He sounds like a classic narc who will not stop destroying you if you keep returning/allowing him to return, in any shape way or form. Educate yourself on pathological narcissism.

Attraction means NOTHING for your mental health and long term wellbeing.

Why do you think you can't do any better than this psycho? Or that you are in fact far better than this piece of 💩 ever will be?

He sounds awful. Do you have a significant age gap as well?

How would feel if the guy you last dated lost some weight?

You’ve barely been single a year, you’re still in a state of flux and you’re still hung up on your ex: are you ready to be dating or are you simply trying to fill a gap in your life in any way you can? Why not hang up your dating hat for a while and reevaluate what you want your life to look like from here and, eventually, how a new partner might fit into that - rather than the other way around, fitting your life around a man.

The majority of people in the world aren’t going to be for you: it’s perfectly normal to have ten dates with ten different people and not be attracted to or interested in any of them, whether they were truthful in their dating profiles or not. Adding that you’re unhappy with your life and still pining after your ex and comparing anyone you meet to him and it’s a recipe for failure.

Get the book ‘doing the work’ by Dr Nicole LePera.

You need to do a lot of work on yourself and dating right now is not the answer x

You need to wait longer. You are not fully out of one situation and your heart is not yet over him. How is life going to deliver you the love of your life when the old door is still partly open?

My advice to you is to love the hell out of yourself and work on YOU. Save money, get fit, sort out your wardrobe, read the good books, make friends, go on holiday, go on days out - all of it. Work on becoming excellent yourself.

And ask the universe for EVERYTHING you want in a man, and be prepared to wait. That's what I have done. Yes it was hard in the moment but it has paid off. Be humble and accept where you are. wait for the house to be resolved and to get that no contact. Do other things. You are only 40, you still have time to find love. x

There was 8 years between us which is a decent gap, but not significant i dont' think.

Thank you for this lovely message. I think you are right. Sometimes perhaps you just need to hear it. Sometimes I feel great and other times super sad. I have been trying to work on myself, I've been going to the gym, buying new clothes and I just feel so hung up on him still, but I think you are right and my counsellor has said the same - this is probably not going to end until the house is gone and I can close the door for good.

I'll order the book today. Thank you <3 I think you are right.

The book is really good and there is real light bulb moments on it about why you feel the way you do, why you get attached to people and can’t leave, how you were raised as a child and the effects it has on your childhood

And more importantly how to move forward, find peace and love yourself again.

Honestly the book was a game changer for me 💐

First of all, the fact he's gone for someone literally half his age with mental health issues is proof that he hasn't changed into the man you wanted him to be.

Secondly, as others have said, it's simply too early for you to consider dating again. A year out of an abusive and traumatic relationship is not very long at all. It sounds like you're still in a place of comparing these men to your ex in terms of looks. You need to be in a place where you've detached from your ex and are no longer comparing them before you're in a healthy enough place to date. I know at the moment it probably feels like you'll never get there, but trust me it gets easier.

As you've acknowledged yourself, the fact you're unable to go fully NC yet is keeping you stuck and preventing you from being able to fully move on. It will get easier when you can cut him out of your life completely.

I agree, I think the only issue is that i don't know how long this house sale will take because of the legal issues around it (it was mis-sold) and as a result it feels so unfair that he is with someone new living in our house getting on with his life, and i'm stuck in this purgatory. I just want to cry sometimes. I know you are right though.

The thing is that it's always the abusers who move on quickly. It does seem unfair. But the reason they can move on so quickly is because they're content to enter into the exact same situation, so they don't need to do any work on themselves first. My ex did the same. He moved on very quickly with a girl who was the same age I was when we met. It felt weird, and made me feel sick, to see history repeating itself so blatantly but from the outside.

It's the girl my heart breaks for, knowing she's going to go through exactly what I did (and I know this, because they don't change. If anything they get worse). I also know he won't be happy. Abusive men are never happy even when on the face of it they're getting what they want. There's something very broken inside them that simply doesn't allow them peace and contentment. So I know it seems unfair and that they're the fortunate ones, but I can absolutely assure you, they're not.

I keep telling myself this, I just find it so hard because what if it really was me! I really was a bit of a mess when I met him and I was very anxious and quite depressed, I had a lot going on, he came out of nowhere and swept me off my feet. I have no hate towards the new person, I actually just do hope she is ok. I just feel so very sad that she's in my house and not me. I just left though because I couldn't take it anymore and i'm pretty sure she was already on the sidelines - he is her boss so I know that he was probably eyeing her up before I left.

A year ago I left my ex who was verbally abusive, cheated, and told me to get out of our house (jointly owned) and made my life so miserable I could barely function.

You were probably with this man a number of years before you left him. It only been a year and it takes time to get over a bad relationship like this. The truth is he is a narcissist. He is now with a 24 year old. He met another woman similar to you and he going to do the same to her. The reason he is with her is because a woman of around age his can see what he is like and won't go near him. Also if she is 24 I am sure her parents and friends are asking her why are you with him with the age gap. What happens if she wants a family in a few years? He not going to want this. A man like him has to be 1st always.

I think you need to put a push on getting the situation with your former home sorted out. Once this is sorted out you will have no need to contact him. Your probably due a lump sum of money back on this house as well which can help you going forward.
I would read the books mentioned here. I would spend time on improving you and your current life before looking for another man. Their is nothing wrong with being single for a while now when you work on yourself and long term this could help you met a far better man than him.

You are not over your the trauma of your relationship and every new man you meet you are going to pick holes in and self sabotage any chance of happiness.

You need to work on your recovery and build up your self esteem and become a strong woman who won't put up with any abuse and radiates positivity.

Forget about dating for the moment and expand your friendship circle by joining clubs and doing activities where you will make new friendships.

I appreciate all the responses I've had here, and I think it's confirmed that I am in fact not ready for dating. This is a relief to some degree, it's almost like I just need permission to put the brakes on for a bit longer. The break up was the worst I've ever experienced and I definitely am not over it.

I don't want to pick holes in other people, I don't want to hurt other people either, the guy I met yesterday was a lovely guy, he was very overweight and I felt a bit deceived but honestly I genuinely felt as though I would not want to hurt him or make him feel like shit as he's already been fat shamed on a previous date and he's had a lot going on in his life. I would not mind staying friends with him for now, but honestly I think that at present I wouldn't want to get into a relationship because I just can't give what I need to be able to until all of this is over.

Yes, adhere to your boundaries then OP, take it easy for a while, be gentle on yourself but tough too, and get things done. It's too early. I wouldn't even take that man on as a friend either, you don't need date friend types, you need you for a bit, and then your ideal man, no one else. Incubate for a bit and come out anew xx