How did you learn to trust yourself in relationships ..

[hoohool]

After losing yourself completely in a marriage where you were used and abused by a useless husband and father?
How do you regain trust in your own intuition and convictions and build up your self worth and self esteem again. I am in counselling and we are at the beginning of exploring this.
I am very codependent and understand the reasoning behind this but how do I heal ? How do I stop second guessing myself when I need to make a decision about a potential partner for example. How do I back myself ? Do we fake it till we make it ?
If you've done that can you direct me please ?

I have no idea but am in a similar position. It's going to be very difficult. I am having therapy, is this an option for you?

I'm having therapy also . We are starting with the inner child thing... family of origin etc.
working on effects of parental addiction and emotional absence on the forming of the child .
I don't trust myself in romantic relationships. I trust myself as a parent, a friend, a sibling and as a colleague... I just seems to pick the wrong ones .
For example.... I now realise that I chose my husband who came into the marriage with nothing ... no savings, qualifications, car, house , friends .... nothing.
He wasn't attractive but I convinced myself he was . By the end I couldn't bear to be near him.
I thought he was a safe bet as he seemed kind and caring and I felt he wouldn't break my trust....
Nope ! He used me for money , improving himself , absent husband, absent father, useless man who left everything to me regarding our kids and our home. He cheated throughout marriage but I never knew until the end.
He has nothing to do with the kids anymore. Horrid thing .
So that's me....
I really do need guidance... please ???

I too have had to learn the hard way.

I think I did it over a long period using my journal. In quiet moments, when worries come up, I would write about them. In the past, I would often gloss over worries and carry on. Then years would pass and the same old worry would grow into a dealbreaker. I saw over the years that I did see those dealbreakers but I chose to carry on regardless. I had to own the fact that it was me who let things go too far.

I let myself grow feelings for someone who didn't want sex very often for example. It was present as an issue at the beginning and I carried on. I did the same with a man who had debt. I wasted time, whereas if I had been stronger I would have seen the issue and thought, 'no' and left.

I swore after the last one that I would stop at any red flags and I have done. I have been ruthless about it, not seeing people again, saying no, moving on. I am now in an excellent relationship. I use my journal to hash out worries and I try hard to be honest - because if I am not, it is me who will end up hurting myself. And I am sick of blaming myself for carrying on with mistakes I know I am making.

IMO you shouldn't be dating until you've explored the inner child with your therapist and even then you need to discover yourSelf so that you have none of the habitual behaviours you describe in your post.

Sometimes we don't see the obvious in front of us and I doubt I will ever fully learn lessons of the past. I made mistakes in my marriage, we both did, but on a positive I have taken a lot of that on board to new relationships which have been more positive.

I often look for the 'bad signs' - I guess when you have been hurt you tend to do that to sort of prepare yourself for the fall you think is coming. My downside is that I can get a message from GF and think of two contrasting emotions she may be saying

But, you have got through life so far, with friendships, kids, jobs etc... so your intuition does work - just some people are very clever liars and hard to spot.

For me worth and esteem came from my house - redid some of it after she left, some new bits and pics. Got fitter and that really helped. Did things I wanted to do, no-one to say no, kids with me half the time so had the time to do stuff. Small things like wearing aftershave and doing hair when I leave the house, looking smart even just to go to Tesco made me feel better. Love yourself.

Someone on here recommended a book called "how to do the work" today and so i'm passing on their recommendation to you. I have similar issues after abusive relationship and I am just learning how to trust myself again and get over everything. I'm not ready to date right now is the conclusion, maybe the same is true for you at the moment until you are happier and more confident.

Trusting myself is a huge thing - I knew that my last relationship wasn't right and I wasn't happy but I hung on for months trying to make it work. Which was never going to work with someone that was emotionally abusive and controlling.

All men may seem nice and kind and it's possible to fall for someone, just because they seem to like you. You are wiser now, you've listed his failings, ones you ignored. Hopefully you will develop the ability to not ignore issues for fear of rejection. It's a powerful feeling fear, it's what causes inaction. You are working through the causes of the fear with your therapist, so hopefully in time will become stronger.
I don't think now is the time to worry about how you will negotiate a relationship. You should stay independently single for at least a couple of years after a long relationship has ended, and only consider it when you've worked through stuff with therapy and feel stronger.

Take your time and don't wade into a new relationship.

Always trust your instincts.

Listen to what your inner-self is telling you, and always trust your own judgement.

It takes a long time to really get to know someone and baddens come in all different shapes and sizes.

I think a good place to start is to be OK with being on your own, to be content in your own life and doing your own thing.

So if you meet someone it's a bonus, but you're not hanging everything on it working out. And you're not looking for validation from a partner, but feel whole and good about yourself anyway.

Then when you date, it's from a place of "well what's he bringing into my life" and is it adding or taking away.

It's really hard to break the pattern, even if you logically know better and know the red flags and traps. It's what's familiar and it's pretty ingrained when you grew up with it.

I know I went on a date where there were so many red flags and even though I knew better I was thinking of continuing, for god knows what reason. Luckily fate stepped in and I didn't, but I actually scared myself - i knew better yet still was drawn back.

It's just a slow ongoing process.

Similar situation here - I found the book "Co-dependency for Dummies" really enlightening.

Also had therapy.

Been on my own 5 years.

But better to be alone than badly accompanied.