cutting off nose to spite face: unreliable partner

[slavetoloverhythm]

I feel like I am being stupid but I can’t rely on my partner lots of the time.
i have chronic health conditions as do my kids and he’s offered to help out lots of times but let me down.
equally he has help out with things and I’ve really appreciated it.
recently I was in a situation where I really needed help and I didn’t get a chance to ask before he upped and left (we don’t live together)
I was annoyed as he knew it was an escalating situation (child health) and it felt like he left before I could ask.
he then went away for a few days and offered to help on his return which I turned down as felt he would be unreliable on return ( from previous experience)
as it turned out he stayed away an extra day anyway and never let me know until I chased him up later.
He is now back and offering support where I really need it, am disabled and in pain but honestly I don’t want him around, I am still angry at him for leaving me in the lurch the other day and I think it’s a trauma response to hate asking for help if it’s not freely given plus I am having second thoughts about the relationship on the whole
i Feel taken for granted in lots of ways and have been rethinking the relationship for some time.
i often tell him the ways in which i feel let down or ask him explicitly for more reliability or tell him not to offer if he can’t follow through and he just seems incapable.
also in other ways, not just practically.

but am I being stupid to turn down his offers of help when I really need it?
I don’t have family here.

Bumping shamelessly for attention

Do you do a lot for him?
If so stop it.
Stop giving too much.
If he can help you, take it.
But bring balance to the relationship.
He is not reliable but possibly better than nothing.
Can you contact your GP for help to access services to help you?
I'm sorry things are so hard.

Yes I do a lot for him, especially given my situation. I have started to pull back on a lot of stuff.
i think he bit off more than he could chew and is certainly much less giving than he was before.

He is very kind and thoughtful some of the time and works hard so is often tired but is also thoughtless and feels quite selfish to me. He does help out with jobs at mine but also offers a lot more than he carries out

his living situation is not the best so all our time together is at my house, being disabled and single parent I tend to have everything to hand and I wonder if that partly makes him lazy / me more attractive.

he has not always been honest with me but does seem to love me …we have fun and lots in common but I feel I make most of the effort although he’d probably say different.
quality of sex has gone downhill too, again, I feel like it’s been me doing most of the work for a long time.

i don’t know if there’s a future really, he doesn’t want to get married again and we are too old for more kids.

I feel I have everything available to me via gp, local services although am awaiting a reassessment.

And thank you for your kind words

Is he the children's father?

There is a lot to try to understand. Why are you two together - what do both of you bring to each other? Is he sort of supporting because he loves you, or because he feels she should - its the right thing to do?

How does he feel about the health issues - do they make him feel sorry for you, is he strong enough to cope with all this? What is he getting from the relationship?

No he’s not and tbh I very rarely ask him for any kind of support with the kids, I usually only have him around when they’re with their own dad. This time mentioned in my op was an occasion where I was struggling and a mutual friend came to help so bf came too , partly to see the friend.
my child’s situation got worse and looked like possible hospital admission and whilst I was dealing with the issue bf said he was going home and left . I was shocked but in the middle of dealing with this child so couldn’t say anything plus did not want to beg when it seemed like the obvious thing to do to stick around or even offer to

We are together because we have always got on and attracted to each other etc. used to be a lot more fun, I have always been very boundaried about our time together/ my kids’ time etc but boundaries blurred more recently as his home situation changed and I gave him more space and time at mine.
he’s always known about my health issues , it’s lifelong and has always been understanding but has often promised more than he can deliver so I have told him many times just not to offer anymore unless it’s definitely something he can manage as I was fed up with Being disappointed and didn’t want to keep expressing disappointment to him.
i think he wants to help but just doesn’t have the capacity.
He is the driver in the relationship in terms of time spent together and he says he loves me and loves spending time with me etc but makes such minimal effort and I have to keep adjusting my expectations.
I don’t want to keep complaining or asking for more so I end up keeping a lid on it and then feeling angry inside and a bit sad.
we have lots of fun too so it is not just me moaning all the time

It comes across very clearly that this relationship is not working for you anymore. That’s all there is to it really.

I think you just need to put him back in the 'fun to have' box. He isn't in the dependable and helpful box, and extending your home to him hasn't changed that.

A lot of people do over promise and under deliver - not in a malicious way, just they way they are. If anything I try to do the opposite. So he may just have good intentions but life/work/bad planning get in the way, or he doesn't see the impact this has.

You need to have a clear chat with him on this - explain how it makes you feel, does he realise that it causes more pain when he doesn't deliver? Maybe, if you are getting angry and bit sad that subconsciously changes your way with him and he backs off a bit more - catch 22.

Thank you, I have said it to him a few times and he gets quite defensive about it, or says I wasn’t clear, is apologetic until it happens again so I just don’t ask anymore and only accept offers of help I know he can deliver or can deliver in good feeling, not out of duty and be pissed off about it.
then he gets annoyed that I don’t ask him or that I ask someone else after waiting a significant amount of time or when previous experience encourages me to ask someone else straight away.

i often say i can do things for people then have to retract because of my health so like go think im understanding about other peoples limitations

Yeah I think you’re right, this is what I’ve been thinking lately. Is quite hard to reframe the relationship when it’s been a certain way, especially as it’s become habit to spend all the time at mine and I don’t really have loads of money to do stuff. He is much richer than me but I never ask for anything and always go halves/ pay my way despite the fact he’s had my house and contents on tap

Yeah I don’t know how I can continuously ask for the same things and not become a pain in the arse plus it makes him less attractive to me and I’m sure vice versa

He's getting a lot of benefits from being in your home more and using your things. Does he pay his way? How does he contribute?

If it's turning into a bit of a hotel for him, then it's time to say, he needs to be at his own home more, so you can focus on your dc and health. It can't be one way.

no

No he doesn’t pay his way as such. He will buy groceries occasionally but that is getting less and less as really I have everything in as have been single parenting and self sufficient my whole life.
as I said he helps out with chores plus get a take away and give me lifts etc but it is definitely more one sided.
when we were last together I moaned like I was his mum that he was on his phone the whole time we were socialising / had friends round to help.
lots of times he wants to watch a film or similar and is then just on his phone, I feel like such a nag when I ask him to stop but I think it became more tricky as he was staying with me to help him out, felt like I was infringing on his down time rather than a date situation!
it’s become a headache but I don’t know if it’s down to me hence making this post

With take away groceries etc, if he buys I pay next time.

You need to put those boundaries back. Cut right down on time at yours ‘no I don’t want to always just meet at mine.’ Say calmly I’m sure you’ll improve your setup soon and then we can spend time at yours too.

Love this 😊

well he has no incentive to improve his own living arrangements with your home being so convenient so get him gone. he's not your child or even a partner at this point so you don't feel you have any responsibility towards him.

Yes this is how it feels. A shame. This has been on and off for years, and I keep having high hopes each time we try again

You sound lovely and too giving and he sounds mean, tight.
There is something inherently awful about any man that would use a single parent.
He has plenty of money, but uses you and your home.
Please pull back.
You cannot afford him.
Don't allow yourself and your home to be used.
You deserve better.

Thank you. He was incredibly generous until I told him he didn’t need to spend money on me to show me love and it seems he took it extremely literally.
wgen being generous he has not always heard what I’d like or need but bought me things he has chosen which I’d never spend that money on myself, designer stuff, that either doesn’t fit or suit my body type, expensive jewellery but completely not my taste…
I know that makes me sound rotten but I’m not. Just practical and realistic

im on a very tight budget as work part time low wage , my disability has really limited my earning power and with kids with extra needs too, money is tight.

he doesn’t seem to grasp how well off he is in comparison to people like me, I have discussed it with him before and with others who know him, he seems very removed from how much of a struggle it is and does get defensive when I talk about him using my stuff, that’s without including increasing water usage etc.
i never mention bills or anything and I don’t like feeling like I have to spell out everything. He has owned his own home so is not stupid!

He's not stupid, just another bog standard freeloader. You'll save money when he leaves and not resenting him will free up your energy to focus on your health and DC. He does know how much things cost, he's just happy taking from you. He's saving a tidy sum at the expense of your dc, he's literally taking away from them money that could be spent on them or saved up for their futures.

What have you decided op?