How does one get their ducks in a row?

[SallySilly]

What do I actually need to do? Two children. Can't afford to stay in the marital home. My income is about 5% of our household income. All joint bank accounts. Don't think I will be entitled to any benefits due to savings and equity.

It depends on the domestic situations you're in.

Assuming you're not in imminent danger, just a relationship thats run its course, I'd be trying to increase my income, assuming 5% of your household income is not enough to live on. Increasing hours, training or applying for a different job asap.

Are you in danger? If so, I'd just identify your sentimental items (that he wouldn't notice are gone) and move them to a friends house even if you can't face leaving right now and forget the financial aspect for now.

There are probably lots of options between these two depending on how quick you want to leave.

We are not in danger. Our marriage has just fallen apart. He is a high earner so my earnings are much less because I was a SAHP until a couple of years ago, and now only work part time while the children are at school. Not sure how I could increase my earnings/hours while caring for my children.

Will he do more childcare? How old are they? Try and find paid for childcare. Does he know you are leaving? If so, it will be harder to persuade him that using childcare is 'worth' you working, but either way, unless he is prepared to look after the children, just go out and spend money buying childcare no matter if it costs more than you earn. No guilt required. He very likely won't feel guilty about not caring for them himself.

I don't see what other option you have if you want to leave I'm afraid.

Talk to a family law solicitor.
As he is a high earner and you a sahp you will be entitled to money from him, share of his pension fund etc.
a solicitor will give you an idea of the basics of where you stand and advise you on next steps

As you’re not in danger ( thankfully) spend time gathering information on pensions, savings, any shares to do with his employment. Any benefits like private healthcare, dentistry via his job— probably cease for you on divorce but might benefit children.
Whose name car/s, utilities are in etc..
Speak to a good solicitor.

The blunt answer is to never have let your ducks not be in a row, and to have maintained your financial independence.

But you are where you are.

You need to find a way to increase your income - increase your hours, find another job, etc. Let him pay for childcare as you build up your earnings to allow you to leave the marriage.

You should be able to get 50%+ of assets on divorce, but I assume your question is more around immediate action you need to take to walk away from the marriage.

Something to bear in mind is that you won’t have access to his salary after you divorce beyond child maintenance payments until your youngest is 18/19. So you need to think longterm about how you are going to rebuild your earning potential which is likely to have been decimated by your choice to abandon your career to raise his children. It’s shocking to me how many women sleep walk into this situation.

Universal Credit Survival are a fantastic group on facebook-you might find you are entitled to UC and child care.

So unhelpful.

speak to a lawyer - you will be entitled to maintenance, likely both spousal and child maintenance. You also have interest in the property. It may be that he continues to pay for you to stay at home if he has enough to meet his own accommodation and living needs

This isn’t true. Spousal maintenance is independent of child maintenance and can continue post divorce.

usually it will be for a set period of time and ends upon remarriage automatically. But it depends on individual circs.

I agree it is completely unhelpful. You were a SAHM, nobody plans for these things to happen, and it's all well and good saying "don't get into that situation" but at the same time I'm financially stable and yet without a family or partner, so there will be someone happy to say "well it's your fault for xxx" - this is the issue isn't it, it's always something we've done wrong.

You need a solicitor to advise you on this one, if you're married then you are entitled to a certain amount of support and that's how it works. If it's amicable/not dangerous then in my opinion you will be fine and you will be able to make this work in your favour so that you can have a comfortable life post separation. It doesn't sound like you're looking to clean him out, you just want to be able to live and that's perfectly reasonable.

You may be entitled to Spousal Maintenance, so definitely arrange to speak to a solicitor as soon as possible.

You'll know more then and be in a position to make informed decisions.

This ^^

Many solicitors offer free consultations for half an hour. Ring around some and ask about that.

Meanwhile start gathering details of pension funds, bank balances, equity info, health care etc so that when you see the solicitor you have an informed idea of what you can claim against.

With all your ducks in a row, you can hit the ground running. Just keep quiet about what you’re up to. Take the wind out of his sails when you present the facts, an informed view of what you’re entitled to. Enjoy the power surge!

Is your 5% salary enough to feed and house your kids? If not you will need to look at wrap around care etc and getting more job security.

Jump onto the child maintenance calculator and see how much you might get - keep in mind if he is self employed then you probably won’t get much at all.

Search and keep records safe of all pensions, bank accounts etc etc store them somewhere safe.

Have a look at rental or properties to buy see if you qualify for a mortgage or will be able to live. Speak to a lawyer as they may suggest other things

Is your husband self employed or paid via PAYE? If the latter can his job be done self employed? Child maintenance is much harder to enforce if he's not paid via PAYE. Have you looked at a child maintenance calculator?

If half the equity and savings amounts to a lot, then you live off that and don't need benefits, given that benefits aren't there so that people can keep hold of their savings.
As people have said, a high earner means higher CM, and possibly spousal maintenance, so you could be fine on your own.
Ducks in a row in this case would consist of obtaining evidence of his income and any savings assets prior to letting him know your intent, so he doesn't get a chance to hide things. Ensure you have the birth certificates and passports in your possession. How meticulous you need to be could depend on how unreasonable you think he may become.

I would start moving money from your joint savings into your own account, with a plausible lie - a relative who needs some financial support for example. He could clear out the accounts anytime he wants, as you could.