Models late in life / second relationships

[achipandachair]

I think I may have been unintentionally gaslighting DP (Together 5 years, don't live together, very close, I love him very much)
We both have teenaged kids, from previous relationships, him boys, mine are girls. His are struggling to greater and lesser extents with stuff, they may have difficulty gaining independence (SN). Mine are younger, further from independence.
Somehow we have found ourselves talking about getting a place together, at some point in the future. No one has suggested it or it been agreed to. But the tone has sort of switched from "if" to "when".

I don't know if I will ever want that. He is a good father and although his kids have a great mum I think he will struggle to ever have a place that is not theirs too - reasonably enough - he will want to say "my house is your house" for ever, probably. I don't want my house to be their house. Also - I don't my daughters' house to be some young men's house they have nothing in common with.
Life has been hard. I have kept my house after splitting from ex, getting made redundant in hard times, having to retrain, etc etc. not out of the woods yet by any means but peace and security at home means more to me than anything.

How do I fix this? I don't want to lose him (desperately don't want to, could not bear it) but I am worried that somehow I have got myself into a position where the man I love is living for a future I have not intentionally promised but he has sort of somehow assumed will happen.
At the same time I think it's unreasonable that he could assume that we are going to share a place without ever actually asking. I have more to lose in many ways.
We have never expected our kids to live together as minors and I have read enough threads on here to know that that way madness lies. I really don't want even the possibility of one of his kids showing up "just for a while". I am really precious about my home life. And yet I know I will always want to say to my kids that if they want to come home they can.

Putting this rather cynically: who has experience of "selling in" alternative models of mature relationships to a man, who probably wants to default to "nice woman at home in my house" - might almost unconsciously think it an entitlement - and how did you do it?

I don't see how you can blame him for this, or his motivations.
It's natural for a relationship to progress to moving in together. However, I also would not want to move in with a man under these circumstances. But you haven't made your position clear, and that's on you.
You need to sit him down and say that on reflection you love having your own space and independence. That while you care deeply for him and want the relationship to continue you don't want to give this up. Then it's up to him how he sees this alternative future.

Thank goodness you realized this before .
It might be a deal breaker for him but it might not. I would explain it in the sense that you want to protect the love you have by avoiding stress and complications with the kids, rather than rejecting you living him with himself.

He could always move next door to you and you could knock the garden fence down!

I would love that!
This bothers me - "It's natural for a relationship to progress to moving in together. " It might be natural to want it, but surely at some point the person who wants it should ask?

I feel this puts me in a slightly weird position. it's like of not LIKE but somehow on the SAME CONTINUUM as feeling like I should turn to a randomer sitting next to me on the train and go "no, I will NOT marry you!"

I kind of feel both guilty and arrogant and all sorts of other things for feeling how I do

I think he has massive rejection fears and that's why he won't ask. I would never reject him but I do very much want to reject a life that I don't want.

Is it just pushing it further down the road - would you be ready for this when all the children have their own homes? He may be thinking go to Uni - although SN may complicate this.

There doesn't have to be an intention to live together to have a happy relationship. It might be more usual, but there are plenty of people who are perfectly happy with the status quo and keeping their own properties.

You do have to have a conversation about this, perhaps let him know that this has been playing on your mind and you don't want to have any upset or disappointment further down the line. That whilst you love him and love the relationship you both have you think it is best that you each keep your homes separate rather than having a plan to move in together especially with young children being involved on both sides.

The deal with my relationship is that I will think about living together when my children have left home (they are adult and youngest is sn and at uni)
I go and visit my DP.
He comes and visits me.
We have been together nearly 15 years.
I know people think we are odd but it wouldn't have worked amalgamating families... 5 boys and one girl, two with sn and one with severe mental health problems as a teen.
You have to decide what works for you.

How do you fix this? By telling your partner how you feel!

You have to have an honest conversation with him and tell him that’s how you feel and you don’t see anything changing your mind right now.

Im single at the moment but every man I’ve dated I’ve told them from the start I have no intentions of ever cohabiting again. If that’s an issue then they’re not the right one for me

I find this thread interesting because not knowing what I would ever want from a post-marriage relationship and having older kids is what has stopped me pursuing it so far.
It feels complicated when you don't think you ever want to be in a complete sharing situation again or ever live with anyone again.
So it's good to hear how people who feel similar make it work.

My Mum and Stepdad never moved in together, even when they married. They both liked having their own space too much, and my Mum wasn't particularly interested in being "Step Mum".

Some people thought it a bit odd but it worked for them. They'd generally spend a couple of nights at his, a couple of nights at hers, and then a night or two alone every week.

They lived like that for over 10 years, until my Mums cancer came back and out of necessity my Step Dad spent a lot more time at my Mums. But even at her illest he'd still head home for the night occasionally.

Thank you everyone for replying to this with your thoughts.
It's complicated by the fact that at the moment we don't live all that close and neither of us really like that. as the young people grow up, we could definitely live closer if not together. I don't want him to see that as a sad second best, I think it sounds lovely.

@Bobbotgegrinch your mum and step dad sound like a lovely couple.

Could you frame it in a positive way rather than a rejection? Ie. Two homes is better than one, you'd have lots of choice, could move closer together, kids will be happier, research shows that couples living apart together have less arguments, better sex life, etc.
Google "Living apart together". It's a bit of a movement.
My partner and I have agreed that though we love each other we never want to live together. We both adore having our own spaces. Between the two of us we have a countryside residence and a city flat which feels brilliant.

You haven't been gaslighting him. Just some future faking arising initially from your uncertainty and now from your reluctance to be assertive and be frank about what you want. Which I think you need to do sooner rather than later. Decide what you want this relationship to look like, then have an honest conversation where you put your offer on the table. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the relationship to work in the way you'd prefer and you're the only person who can say what that is. But you have to be clear and truthful so he can decide if that's for him.

Not all relationships have to lead to living together, especially if you already have your own children and home. Living apart together gives you the best of both worlds; your own space and time for yourself and the fun and romance stays fresh when you do get together. I would suggest discussing how you feel with your partner now, rather than letting the situation drift. If you feel the current distance is causing problems maybe you could consider moving closer.