Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Conundrum, new partner and his ex

25 replies

coolpattern · 28/05/2024 00:57

New boyfriend of 10 months, started off amazingly, loads in common, great sex, potential for more…

but he lives with his ex partner and son. Child is on the spectrum and they won’t tell the child they’ve broken up. From what I can gather they live separate lives, both dating.

however, he’s planning a family holiday this summer. I’m really uncomfortable about this. All about the kid apparently, but my spider senses are in overdrive.

he doesn’t divulge much about their lives, always at mine, never been to his (ex doesn’t want me there). He sounds married doesn’t he? I can’t believe I fell for this crap…

OP posts:
FlamingoFloss · 28/05/2024 00:58

It doesn’t sound good op. Have you asked him outright?

Original poster
coolpattern · 28/05/2024 01:05

Of course. According to him they broke up 2 years ago but due to her limited earnings she still lives in the spare room. I asked why he doesn’t move and he claims cost of living and wanting to be there for the child.

OP posts:
NWQM · 28/05/2024 01:10

Even if it is remotely true how do you envision this going forward?
What does he say? That he move on when the child is how old?

FiveZoo · 28/05/2024 01:13

I would give her a call just to check they are both dating.

Got a feeling things arn't quite what he syas.

You need to speak to her.

TheShellBeach · 28/05/2024 01:14

I doubt if they've split up.
It sounds like you're an OW.

Original poster
coolpattern · 28/05/2024 01:20

He’s said a few times I should talk to her but he never offers her number.

frankly, think I’m done to be honest, this shouldn’t even be a conversation we’re having. I’ve expressed my unhappiness but he’s thrown in a few comments that are trying to make me feel bad, fortunately older and wiser and see it for what it is…

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 28/05/2024 01:22

Even if they have split up, what's the plan here? Carry on living like the OW until his kid is 18? He may not be married or even in a relationship with his "ex" but he's bound to her and his child and doesn't seem interested in doing the legwork of properly separating.

Are you really happy to hang about on the sidelines like a spare part until his child is of an age where he feels he can leave the family home?

OneLemonOrca · 28/05/2024 01:36

I can believe it. Autistic children are very expensive. Massively increased water, electricity and food bills. Needing new, special clothes because they have sensory needs and chew or otherwise ruin them. Needing safety equipment and special toys and all sorts.
they can’t handle change and might not have the capacity to understand or handle their parents breaking up or introducing a new person the child doesn’t know as a partner. It can cause overwhelming distress to the autistic child to have their routine and life changed by a parent leaving or introducing a new partner.

RogueFemale · 28/05/2024 02:18

@coolpattern but he lives with his ex partner and son. Child is on the spectrum and they won’t tell the child they’ve broken up. From what I can gather they live separate lives, both dating.

This is a dumb plan doomed to failure. It involves both parents lying to the child and to the people they're dating.

Opentooffers · 28/05/2024 02:31

How do you tell the difference between a separated man living with their ex and a married man? Answer is you can't unless the 'ex' is happy to corroborate it in person. This is why you should never date a person who still lives with their 'ex', because, shock/horror, some men have been known to lie.
Yes, sorry you've most likely been duped, learn from it and move on.

Garlicked · 28/05/2024 02:57

I’ve expressed my unhappiness but he’s thrown in a few comments that are trying to make me feel bad

My thinking was to roll with it and talk to his wife - but this casts a different light on the situation, doesn't it? It's a bummer but, all the same, I'm glad you're smart enough to spot the game play. Whatever the details of his family life, he's now showing you that he wants to keep you off balance. Doesn't look good.

Toddlerteaplease · 28/05/2024 03:07

They've not spilt up.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 28/05/2024 04:39

If his story is true at some point he will have to bite the bullet and leave if he wants to have another relationship. You've given him much longer than most women would.

OmuraWhale · 28/05/2024 04:44

It may be true. My brother and his wife have separated but are still living together for financial reasons. They don't even have a child living at home! It's fine if you don't want to put up with it though. The family holiday seems a step too far to me.

Londonscallingme · 28/05/2024 04:45

Option 1 - you are the other woman.

option 2 - he’s telling the truth.

best case it’s option 2 but even in that case I don’t think this allows for your relationship to progress. I’d tell him that you respect his decision to prioritise his child but unfortunately this relationship doesn’t work for you.

Simsplayer · 28/05/2024 04:54

Hi OP the holiday would actually annoy me. I know he will say it is for the child but it suggests a real closeness, are they sharing the same room for example? I think you have no choice but to take a step back unfortunately. He is letting you know who comes first and second.

Lighteningstrikes · 28/05/2024 06:33

He won't give you his wife's number and he'd making you feel bad for questioning the holiday!!

You need to get rid of this one sharpish.

Original poster
coolpattern · 28/05/2024 10:58

I gave him the benefit of doubt initially, but the holiday is just not working for me. I won’t issue an ultimatum, just step back I think.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 28/05/2024 11:03

No wouldn’t work for me. I understand that people often stay living under same roof after they’ve split for a period however imo it’s not practical to date seriously under those circumstances.

Personally I would bin this guy off as it’s already too complicated

GreyCarpet · 28/05/2024 11:05

NWQM · 28/05/2024 01:10

Even if it is remotely true how do you envision this going forward?
What does he say? That he move on when the child is how old?

This.

Even if it were true, you'd be living a half life forever.

Marghogeth · 28/05/2024 11:08

coolpattern · 28/05/2024 10:58

I gave him the benefit of doubt initially, but the holiday is just not working for me. I won’t issue an ultimatum, just step back I think.

Throw this one back, OP.

Balancedcitizen101 · 07/02/2025 08:38

Maybe in the case of extreme issues, hardly applicable to a mild to average case that bills would be any different to anything. Dangerous to stereotype like that. Im autistic and don't like loud noises or certain foods. There were no bill increases in my childhood looking back as nothing was altered in the house. Other kids in the house as well. There was no cotton wool environment and I didn't destroy anything. Most people are on unmetered water so that doesn't change anyway. Autism is a spectrum,not a black and white normal kid or out of control kid situation. I'm speaking from experience, so no one needs to come in and bother contradicting me here.

Balancedcitizen101 · 07/02/2025 08:39

Balancedcitizen101 · 07/02/2025 08:38

Maybe in the case of extreme issues, hardly applicable to a mild to average case that bills would be any different to anything. Dangerous to stereotype like that. Im autistic and don't like loud noises or certain foods. There were no bill increases in my childhood looking back as nothing was altered in the house. Other kids in the house as well. There was no cotton wool environment and I didn't destroy anything. Most people are on unmetered water so that doesn't change anyway. Autism is a spectrum,not a black and white normal kid or out of control kid situation. I'm speaking from experience, so no one needs to come in and bother contradicting me here.

Was meant to be quoting OneLemonOrca

Taj123456800 · 26/02/2025 16:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Naunet · 26/02/2025 17:24

OmuraWhale · 28/05/2024 04:44

It may be true. My brother and his wife have separated but are still living together for financial reasons. They don't even have a child living at home! It's fine if you don't want to put up with it though. The family holiday seems a step too far to me.

Have they been split up for 2 years and dating other people though? Do they go on holidays together despite only living together for financial reasons?

OP, I think you're the other woman, and even if you're not, he's still got one big foot in his relationship with his wife, which is not fair on you!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread