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Original poster

So confused

8 replies

Lonely36 · 27/05/2024 20:41

Sorry this is going to be a long post but I need some advice.

Im 36 and have been married 7 years together for 12. We have 2 kids 3 and 6. The last year or so I have really been questioning if he is the right person for me. We don’t agree on anything. We never do anything together unless it’s with the kids and even then it’s a struggle. I really don’t like being around him if I’m honest and don’t really like the person he is. He has no drive. He doesn’t want to do anything. He never talks to me. We are like strangers in our own home. We are living two separate lives but living together with the kids. To be honest I think I have checked out of this relationship but just don’t know how to get out of it.

A few months ago a guy I work with showed me a bit of interest. Now he’s a bit younger (28) and to be quite honest god damn hot. I liked the attention so didn’t try and stop it. We first bonded over the fact that we both have the same birthday. It was just flirty banter which then led to messaging on instagram and then him sending me his number.

He does have a gf and obviously I am married so I know this should have gone no further but it did. Please don’t judge.

Since then a lot has happened. He was liking all my posts on instagram and defo giving me the feeling he liked me more than just as a work friend and like I said I liked the attention. Attention that I hadn’t had or allowed myself to have from anyone.

At the start of March we were both going to be out in London at the same time and I messaged him that day and asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink. He told me he hadn’t gone but said if I wanted he would meet me at the train station and take me home. I took him up on the offer and we kissed in the car.

After that we were flirting heavily at work and messaging quite regularly and I basically told him I wanted to meet him again as I felt we had unfinished business. He met me, took me somewhere in his car and things happened. We didn’t have sex but I really wanted to.

The following week he was giving me mixed signals. He would either reply to my messages instantly and with loads of messages or not reply for days. I basically asked him where I stood and I think it scared him off. He told me that he liked me as we had a connection, he liked my personality, we had lots in common and he liked my looks. He also told me he wanted to have sex with me but basically said he didn’t want to as there would be no point and he might end up hurting me. He pretty much called the whole thing off and I was absolutely devastated. I know I came on too hard. I went a little crazy. And I totally saw why he stopped. We went no contact for a week. But I knew I was going to see him at work so I messaged him to check we were ok. He said we were and he would be fine with me at work.

A few weeks went by and it was awkward and he was a bit stand off ish with me but we started to get back to how we were before. Just flirty. But without any messaging.

Then a few weeks ago I had a night alone at home and I messaged him asking him when he was going to see me again. To my surprise he was up for it. He came to my house and we had sex. However as soon as he was done he literally got his clothes on and left.

This past week he actually asked me if I was free this weekend. It’s the first time he has initiated anything. Every other message or meet up have been instigated by me. Obviously I was very happy about this and told him I could see him Friday night. Leading up to this day he was asking for pics and videos from me and I sent them and he also sent me some. It is dirty but it’s exciting. On the night of us meeting he said he had to pop out and would meet me in 30mins. I know he was with his gf during this time. Nearly 2 hours later he finally showed up. I know I’m a mug for sitting and waiting for him for that long but I wanted to see him so bad. Anyway we met and we had sex and it was amazing again. But as soon as it was done he drove me back to my car and said bye.

I haven’t heard from him since and I don’t think I will unless I message him first as that has been how it is from the start.

I am in such a confused head space right now. I know I need to leave my marriage but I don’t know how. And I also know this guy literally only wants me for one thing but I have in the back of my mind that he might change his mind if I keep giving him what he wants. I also enjoy the sex. I don’t know anything about his relationship but he has told me when we first got talking that we were both in similar situations. I think he is talking about a sexless relationship but also she is young and so is he so is this really true. Maybe he is having sex with more than just me. Am I stupid to even consider carrying on doing this? It is messing with my head but also giving me something to enjoy when I really don’t enjoy much of my life to be honest.

Please give me some non judgemental advice.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/05/2024 20:51

You're going to end up getting out of your marriage in a really messy way at this rate. I hope you're not identifiable in those pictures/vids?

I think you should end your marriage as cleanly as you can, while you can. Before it's taken out of your hands when your dh realises what's going on. If you've checked out, check out properly.

MsLuxLisbon · 27/05/2024 21:16

Lonely36 · 27/05/2024 20:41

Sorry this is going to be a long post but I need some advice.

Im 36 and have been married 7 years together for 12. We have 2 kids 3 and 6. The last year or so I have really been questioning if he is the right person for me. We don’t agree on anything. We never do anything together unless it’s with the kids and even then it’s a struggle. I really don’t like being around him if I’m honest and don’t really like the person he is. He has no drive. He doesn’t want to do anything. He never talks to me. We are like strangers in our own home. We are living two separate lives but living together with the kids. To be honest I think I have checked out of this relationship but just don’t know how to get out of it.

A few months ago a guy I work with showed me a bit of interest. Now he’s a bit younger (28) and to be quite honest god damn hot. I liked the attention so didn’t try and stop it. We first bonded over the fact that we both have the same birthday. It was just flirty banter which then led to messaging on instagram and then him sending me his number.

He does have a gf and obviously I am married so I know this should have gone no further but it did. Please don’t judge.

Since then a lot has happened. He was liking all my posts on instagram and defo giving me the feeling he liked me more than just as a work friend and like I said I liked the attention. Attention that I hadn’t had or allowed myself to have from anyone.

At the start of March we were both going to be out in London at the same time and I messaged him that day and asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink. He told me he hadn’t gone but said if I wanted he would meet me at the train station and take me home. I took him up on the offer and we kissed in the car.

After that we were flirting heavily at work and messaging quite regularly and I basically told him I wanted to meet him again as I felt we had unfinished business. He met me, took me somewhere in his car and things happened. We didn’t have sex but I really wanted to.

The following week he was giving me mixed signals. He would either reply to my messages instantly and with loads of messages or not reply for days. I basically asked him where I stood and I think it scared him off. He told me that he liked me as we had a connection, he liked my personality, we had lots in common and he liked my looks. He also told me he wanted to have sex with me but basically said he didn’t want to as there would be no point and he might end up hurting me. He pretty much called the whole thing off and I was absolutely devastated. I know I came on too hard. I went a little crazy. And I totally saw why he stopped. We went no contact for a week. But I knew I was going to see him at work so I messaged him to check we were ok. He said we were and he would be fine with me at work.

A few weeks went by and it was awkward and he was a bit stand off ish with me but we started to get back to how we were before. Just flirty. But without any messaging.

Then a few weeks ago I had a night alone at home and I messaged him asking him when he was going to see me again. To my surprise he was up for it. He came to my house and we had sex. However as soon as he was done he literally got his clothes on and left.

This past week he actually asked me if I was free this weekend. It’s the first time he has initiated anything. Every other message or meet up have been instigated by me. Obviously I was very happy about this and told him I could see him Friday night. Leading up to this day he was asking for pics and videos from me and I sent them and he also sent me some. It is dirty but it’s exciting. On the night of us meeting he said he had to pop out and would meet me in 30mins. I know he was with his gf during this time. Nearly 2 hours later he finally showed up. I know I’m a mug for sitting and waiting for him for that long but I wanted to see him so bad. Anyway we met and we had sex and it was amazing again. But as soon as it was done he drove me back to my car and said bye.

I haven’t heard from him since and I don’t think I will unless I message him first as that has been how it is from the start.

I am in such a confused head space right now. I know I need to leave my marriage but I don’t know how. And I also know this guy literally only wants me for one thing but I have in the back of my mind that he might change his mind if I keep giving him what he wants. I also enjoy the sex. I don’t know anything about his relationship but he has told me when we first got talking that we were both in similar situations. I think he is talking about a sexless relationship but also she is young and so is he so is this really true. Maybe he is having sex with more than just me. Am I stupid to even consider carrying on doing this? It is messing with my head but also giving me something to enjoy when I really don’t enjoy much of my life to be honest.

Please give me some non judgemental advice.

I will give you some judgemental advice. Stop being a selfish mug (selfish to his GF, not your husband) and give your head a wobble. Even if he does leave her for you (he probably won't) then do you really want to date a cheater? How you get them is how you lose them. I have no time for people like you.

bows101 · 27/05/2024 21:27

I just think you are desperately lonely in your marriage and seeking something new and exciting, but this young man is not it.
I would say, you need to actually end things with your husband, then start afresh on the dating scene. I think it was an easy thing with this guy who pretty much landed on your lap, that's why you feel this way and you like the attention he gives (we all do when we are unhappy). There will be a ton of other suitors for you, even if you want to keep things casual after ending a marriage.

Cloudylilac · 27/05/2024 21:28

Hi OP, if this is real I’d suggest you stop the flirting and more significantly the sex with your colleague immediately.

Where are the kids when you’re bringing this man back? Imagine how devastated they would be if somehow they ever found this out when they are older. It would be massively damaging for them to know you’d not only cheated but was bringing this young man back to their home.

And yes he’s probably lying about being in a sexless relationship, the fact he gets up and walks away straight after is is an indication of guilt most likely. He will see it as just sex and not emotional cheating and is making sure his feelings don’t get involved - but yours are!

You want to leave your marriage right? Well that might not be a bad idea given the circumstances. This may be an unpopular opinion but I think your husband deserves to know. Maybe not the details of who or where but at least let him know you’ve cheated. That means while you’re deliberating over how and if to leave he’ll probably accelerate things by calling time on the marriage and save all of you from your indecision. Problem solved.

Then you need to rebuild your life , focus on your kids and look for healthier non-destructive ways to find enjoyment and purpose.

RedHelenB · 28/05/2024 06:46

You're the one cheating on your dh, you're the one begging for sex from someone who you know has a gf yet you expect non judgemental.posts?
Anyhow, end your marriage and start dating properly. This man is never going to be your partner.

ZebraD · 28/05/2024 07:17

Wow…what a mess.
Leave your husband.
Find your self respect
Leave the bloke you’re having the affair with before you lose your job!

Unhappysugar · 28/05/2024 07:40

Hi,
I read your post and finding myself in a similar position didn’t want to read and run. I think you need to end your marriage, it seems to me that u have already decided it is over, you just need to speak to your husband.
you need to stop seeing this man, I know it is easier said then done, but he seems to be only interested in one thing. You are worth much more than that, and could find a much more fulfilling relationship somewhere else xx

Ofcourseshecan · 28/05/2024 07:47

I also know this guy literally only wants me for one thing but I have in the back of my mind that he might change his mind if I keep giving him what he wants.

Come on, OP, you know that’s just wishful thinking.

I sympathise, as your marriage sounds miserable at present. You’re clinging to the good feelings your affair partner gives you. But this will be a messy way to end a marriage.

Why not try couples counselling, or even just talking things through with your husband? It may not revive your marriage, but it may help you both accept it’s over and move on amicably.

Best of luck, OP. I don’t condemn you for seeking happiness, but I hope you can find it in a healthier relationship.

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