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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I forgive her? (She was texting to her ex)

6 replies

Lonelyb · 27/05/2024 17:31

I (30M) had a relationship with my girlfriend (30F) for 7 months. When I saw that she was getting notifications from dating apps in our first month, I got angry and told her that if you want to be with someone else, we can break up. Because I saw that you were secretly messaging someone. She said that these messages were sent to her friends on some kind of mobile game chat group. I asked her to delete the accounts on the dating apps and she did so. Everything was going normally. I was constantly taking her to work with my car. Sometimes I would pick it up from school. I was cooking for her. I was even massaging her back. I thought she liked me too.
But on the 7th month, I caught her secretly listening to a voicemail. But she turned it off when she noticed me. When I went through her computer, I saw that this person was her ex-boyfriend. They did not see each other closely, but they had a long-distance relationship online before me.. She has been talking to this person from time to time since we met. Sometimes she sent her moms photo and herself, sometimes talked to place where she lives, sometimes about foods, sometimes about the weather. She never told him ex-boyfriend about me or that she was in a relationship. Since her ex-boyfriend didn't know this, he sent a voicemail about her loving things. I'm thinking of you, I miss you, etc. Even though I got angry when I saw this, I remained silent and waited for my girlfriend's reaction.
At the end of the next day, she only replied the voicemail with "Oh" and nothing else. I couldn't accept this and decided to break up with her. Because I had always treated her very well and remained loyal to her. I told her I wanted to break up, but she couldn't accept it. She asked me for last chance. I reminded her that I had given her that chance before and warned her about cheating in the first month, but she cried a lot. She said she wasn't cheating on me, it was just something online that was virtual and not real.
I can't be sure whether she loves me or not because she is an international student and I am a citizen of the country we live in. I can't be sure if her true intention is my love or a shortcut to citizenship. Finally, she wrote me a letter full of love after I broke up with her. She says she wants to get back together with me and that she won't repeat the mistakes she made. But I don't want to be cheated on again in the future. This scares me. I do not know what will I do. She was my first girlfriend and my heart is broken.

OP posts:
wendycupcakes · 27/05/2024 17:56

Honestly dont have her back move on and give your self time to heal.
And the right woman for you one will turn up.
Shes simply not worth the time or the anger if you keep taking her back she will keep doing it because she knows she can get around you.
So for your own peace of mined move on away from her.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 27/05/2024 18:16

I know you’re heartbroken now but it will pass.

In my view if someone is committed to you and the relationship they shouldn’t seek attention from exes. I understand if there are issues from the previous relationship to resolve for example sorting out possessions, houses etc, but if there’s nothing in it then she would be open and transparent with you that they are in contact.

If someone is seeking out support, flirtation etc from another it’s emotional cheating and almost a keeping their options open tactic.

From your reaction it sounds like it’s crossed the boundary of what you expect from a committed relationship. So no I wouldn’t give it another chance.

category12 · 27/05/2024 22:53

Don't take back someone you don't trust - it'll lead you into behaving in unhealthy ways and becoming someone you probably don't want to be. You shouldn't be going through a girlfriend's computer or phone etc. It's a path to misery and toxicity.

Move on from this person. Take some time to be sad and mad and hurt about it.

Don't take the baggage from this relationship into your next one.

Lavenderblossoms · 28/05/2024 13:34

category12 · 27/05/2024 22:53

Don't take back someone you don't trust - it'll lead you into behaving in unhealthy ways and becoming someone you probably don't want to be. You shouldn't be going through a girlfriend's computer or phone etc. It's a path to misery and toxicity.

Move on from this person. Take some time to be sad and mad and hurt about it.

Don't take the baggage from this relationship into your next one.

I mean technically he shouldn't but how would he have known the truth without doing it? I see many people on here only find out dodgy things by snooping... it's a double edged sword indeed.

category12 · 28/05/2024 16:05

Lavenderblossoms · 28/05/2024 13:34

I mean technically he shouldn't but how would he have known the truth without doing it? I see many people on here only find out dodgy things by snooping... it's a double edged sword indeed.

Yes, but once you're at the stage of going through someone's stuff, the relationship's pretty fucked already. It's silly to take that person back.

We're talking about a 7-month relationship that's sicker than a dog with rabies. Take Old Yeller out back and shoot him.

roses321 · 28/05/2024 16:09

You broke up and it's the right thing, i would not get involved in her circus. She sounds like a user.

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