Will try and summarise here as best as possible to save this being very unwieldy!
Around a year ago I started seeing someone I work with (we no longer work together). It started off fairly casual, I was newly divorced, he is divorced but had been longer. Both have young children so it worked.
I had known about an ex gf of his though he said they were over. (This is relevant!)
Over the next few months up until January this year we were on and off, as soon as we got close to becoming something "serious" I would almost see the fear come over him and he would cool off and and things. Things would end for a couple of months and then he would reach out again. This happened twice.
Then in January this year I sensed he was doing it again so I ended things. He said he was scared about his emotions etc etc...
In between us being "on" I dated other people and I expected he would be doing the same.
A few weeks back, he reaches out again but this time a grand gesture, turning up at my door with flowers and a card asking me to meet him and go for coffee. He says he has had a lot of time to think and does want a healthy, honest relationship with me and is going to be seeking help to work out why he has these issues with relationships.
Since then, in all honesty, he's been great, communicative, making plans, attentive, affectionate...
We spent this weekend together and after some wine on Saturday evening we spoke about his ex. He admitted he slept with her during our "first" break up in the Summer last year. (We were apart for around 3 months). He also admitted to seeing her at the end of last year when we were on another break but said it was just as friends. In the early stages of us seeing each other he lied about how recently their relationship had ended which I confronted him about.
I asked why she's always in the background and if she has some kind of hold over him. He said no, just that they had gotten along but he didn't ever see a proper future with her. I vaguely know of her and she's very quiet and not who I would put him with at all, but I guess that's by the by.
I asked him (with my wine confidence!) if he would be willing to cut off all contact with her if that meant being with me and he said yes.
... but I just don't know?! I don't want to be in a position where I am worrying what someone is doing when we aren't together.
He does have a bit of a reputation as a ladies man and did cheat on his ex wife, though shows remorse for this and does seem genuine in wanting to change and grow up... but even as I type this I can hear alarm bells ringing!
He says I'm the first person he's felt this way about and he wants us to have a life together. FWIW he doesn't stand to gain anything from being with in that we both own our own homes, have good jobs and our own children / coparenting arrangements ... but I don't know, can people ever really change? Am I better to cut my losses before I really develop big feelings for him? My ex-DH cheated on me and it destroyed my confidence and I don't know if I could do it again.