Help! Siblings fighting over misogynistic father.

[Catchlock]

Backstory - married a man when i was 23 to get away from an oppressive religious mother. Move away from home to live with him near his family. Has a son very quickly the apple of his father's eye. Had a daughter two years later and for financial reasons )I could earn more) we moved to my home country.

I left husband after 10 years as he was lazy verbally abusive and I couldn't keep up with his demands for new tv new car etc etc. he had mental health issues which he blamed on me.

We had joint custody. It became apparent that the son was being treated different when with husband Son was given best room in the house. Had much more freedom that daughter and daughter was being criticised constantly. From the age of 14 she said as soon as she was old enough she wasn't going to her fathers.

Father spent a lot of time supporting son on his hobbies but wouldn't give daughter a lift home after music with her large instrument. So this meant on music days she stayed with me. He regularly took son on
Weekends away and left daughter with me.
There are loads of other examples but you get the picture.

She's 19 now and lives with me 💯 of the time. Her father made some very derogatory remarks about her University course and was mean about her life choices. So she just stopped contacting him and he hasn't contacted her. They last spoke in February. Daughter is so much happier now and I can see a positive effect on her of not talking to him.

Eldest son has moved away to work. He has been giving daughter serious grief about not talking
To father. He said she is immature selfish. Mean etc etc. when she just other reason he just says "that just dad he's always like that"
He. Can't see how
Much she has been hurt over the years.

I have taken care to not be mean about the father and
Have not encouraged her to break contract. I've told her she's old enough to make the decision herself but I understood her reasons

Should I speak to son and tell him to lay off??!

I would, in your shoes.

There is a real risk that your son will (or has) become just like his father. And if so, he will struggle to accept your daughter, a woman, turning away from him and saying 'no'. He will think that as a woman she should accept poor male behaviour, even if it impacts her badly.

For your daughter's sake he needs to respect her decision att the very least. Better still he should try to understand it.

For your son's sake, it's worth a conversation that might help him to understand that women have as much right to opinions and decisions as men do, a right to equal treatment and respect.

@perfectcolourfound thank you so much for that perspective. I will speak with him.

This is pretty normal outcome in dysfunction dynamics. Not everyone gets treated the same and so they end up with different experiences and different loyalties. I would personally speak to your son but likely it won’t undo the years of conditioning.

My father was a misogynist (my mother too actually) and the effect it had on my brothers and my sister and the consequences for our relationships was stark. Your son is abusive to his sister, gaslighting her and denying her experiences. He learned his behaviour from his father and on and on it goes through the generations.

Speak to son and tell him that he and his have very different relationships with their father and that's OK. He loves his sister and needs to respect her feelings.

Talk to daughter about not criticising their fsther to brother.

Their relationship doesn't need to be ruined by their fsther. There are 3 of us. Two of us were treated poorly by our dad, he barely saw us and didn't contribute, has never done anything for us. The third has had everything they could ever want, and is still supported massively in adulthood, more than we ever got in childhood. The two of us talk about it between us and are quite close because of our shared struggles. But we don't talk about it infant of the third and our relationship is separate to our relationship with our father. It can be hard to not resent a sibling that doesn't see/care they're so massively favoured but it's not their fault.

Is your ex H pressing your son to act as go between? Or is he indignant that a daughter is standing up to her father? I'm guessing there may be specific cultural expectations here too. Perhaps your DD is the scapegoat for you leaving DSs dad.

Speak to son and tell him that he and his have very different relationships with their father and that's OK. He loves his sister and needs to respect her feelings.

Talk to daughter about not criticising their fsther to brother.

Their relationship doesn't need to be ruined by their fsther. There are 3 of us. Two of us were treated poorly by our dad, he barely saw us and didn't contribute, has never done anything for us. The third has had everything they could ever want, and is still supported massively in adulthood, more than we ever got in childhood. The two of us talk about it between us and are quite close because of our shared struggles. But we don't talk about it infant of the third and our relationship is separate to our relationship with our father. It can be hard to not resent a sibling that doesn't see/care they're so massively favoured but it's not their fault.

Yes I’d have words, tell him that he needs to take a step back and consider how amazingly he was treated by dad and how differently she was treated by dad. Don’t go into detail but explain that she has every right to make her own decision based on her experiences.

Really good post. It is about respecting the different realities. There are times when this can be enough to keep relationships afloat and there are times it cannot.

My take would be the father is moaning to son about the situation and the son wants to make his life easier - so doing what his father wants.

Yes step in, tell you son that sister isn’t interested and if father wants a relationship he has to build bridges and he should stay out of it.

Thank you all. I will indeed speak to son. I think father has been bending my son's ear about it.

The father is a "manly" English person who was
So delighted he has a son. His
Dream was to take him to the pub and buy him his first pint. He was a pushy soccer dad and gave son everything he could have asked for.

We moved back to Ireland and "father" was no longer cock of the walk. He concentrated on son. When we split he stayed here as he found another partner straight away.

Son is a bit cocky like
Husband but is also a bit more
Sensitive so I'm gutted he's behaving
Like this.