Husband gets angry with strangers

[thiswanderlustgirl]

My Husband from time to time gets angry with strangers & its starting to really worry me. Its not all the time it's almost like he's bipolar as its only say 1 in 10 times. But if someone bumps into him in a crowd he will turn round and yell at them, if we're in a que and someone pushes in he will yell at them, if someones taking a photo and in his way he will say something etc. all of these things are rude, yes, but I would never say something myself as I don't like confrontation. A drunk man once barged into him (he was off his face) and he swore at him, and i got really scared the man would come back and say something. He knows how i feel about it. But it's starting to really get to me as I'm worried one day he will snap at the wrong person. Should I just let it go and accept that thats how he deals with it, that just because i don't want confrontation I shouldn't expect him too be the same, or is this something that would be a deal breaker for you?

He's not always been like this but its something thats gotten worse.

Living with someone who is angry and unpredictable will be bad for your mental health; I would be more worried about that than about a stranger hitting him (although that is definitely a possibility).

Do you avoid anger being directed at you. If you said I feel embarrassed and upset when you frighten and dominate people by shouting at others going about their business.
When was the last time someone frightened him? Or does he just dish it out and doesn’t like to take it?

It’s only a matter of time before he shouts at the wrong person

it’s frightening who out there violence and knives

if he does this to the wrong person you could get dragged into it as well
yes this is deal breaker territory

I think I'd be afraid that one day he'll turn the anger on me, or any children we might have. If it's something that's getting worse, would he consider getting some anger management therapy? If he won't address it then I'd consider if it was something I could tolerate in a relationship.

It was a dealbreaker for me, I used to date someone like this and it was awful. I found that I was on edge every time we went out anywhere in case he kicked off and something happened.

Do you think it would be something he would seek help for?

Please don’t have children with this man. He’s a bully now, and he’ll be 10 times worse with a pregnant woman and then a tiny helpless child to dominate.

It would be a dealbreaker for me. You say yourself that it's gotten worse, so it will likely continue to get worse. It's simply not normal to yell at someone for pushing in. It's minimising it to say it's "not all the time".

This reminds me of a thread recently in AIBU where a woman was parking her car, got into the spot first fair and square, but some woman's husband came up to her yelling all sorts of obscenities, claiming the spot was theirs. The OP of that post was shaken up by it days later. I couldn't be with someone who made others feel that way, and it's only a matter of time before he turns that anger on you.

What's his response been when you've explained how you feel about it?

He needs therapy and if you haven’t had kids don’t if this doesn’t change.

Ex was like this, it was scary, he even started a row in a soft play area.
The final straw was a road rage incident with two lads in another car, I said to ex "there's two of them, which one do you want me to fight, the big one?"
I started walking away, got so sick of not knowing when he was going to kick off or prancing around apologising, trying to keep the peace.
Note: he's an ex for a reason.

First of all, what gives him the right to behave like that? His behaviour is appalling, frankly. When he yells at random strangers, does it ever occur to him that many of them are struggling in life? For all he knows, the person he yells at could be rushing to pick his wife up from a chemotherapy session. He might have awful debts, or a teenage daughter who is self-harming, or a beloved father who's dying of lung cancer. You never know what people are dealing with.

One day he'll pick on the wrong person. I hope he can back up all his rudeness and aggression, because there are people out there who could flatten him with a single punch. And there are plenty more who carry knives.

Does he get angry with those closest to him? Is he a Jekyll and Hyde? Are there significant incidents of him being abusive that have never been spoken about since?

His anger is not your problem, it is his. Do not bring children into this relationship. You don’t like it, how do you think your children will like it?

I would seriously now consider if you want to remain with this man.

i disagree with pp - based on your info 1
out of 10 times seems quite reasonable given the level of detail provided in most of the examples. Id say something of someone bumped me to. I’d be more concerned about your non confrontational nature. Being so passive seems like it could be a greater issue.

I think it's a bit odd you've diagnosed him with a personality disorder. Have you actually read up on bipolar? It's manic highs then periods of extreme depression. Not what you've described, which is anger. Discuss it with him. What people are doing is annoying but unfortunately it's probably more safe to behave non-confrontationally. Deep breaths, patience etc.

Getting angry at strangers with little provocation is not evidence that he is ‘almost like bipolar’
in fact to try and excuse it as such is quite offensive to people who are diagnosed with bipolar illness. I’m fairly sure you didn’t mean it to be offensive but please be mindful of how you describe the very bad behaviour of your partner

also to add, I wouldn’t tolerate this sort of bad behaviour from anyone I was in any sort of relationship with. He is an angry bully.
I would bet that he does a quick assessment of his target and perhaps wouldn’t behave like this if it was a group of larger males?

To update i did try to talk to him tonight and say its bothering me still and that what if he says something to the wrong person one day and gets hurt. He said its my problem for being so soft and that he can't help saying how he thinks if someone annoys him. That I should consider its the same concept as me wanting to stay quiet in those situations and that nothings going to change. So yeah kind of at a loss, maybe i just need to accept the flaw?

How is he when you have an argument or accidentally bang into him OP?

No, do not accept this so called flaw in his personality. He’s otherwise telling you to put up and shut up.

I would seriously consider if you want to remain with him. Do you want to remain with him?

Is this a new thing, or did you marry him and know this?

for me I’d not be with this sort of uncouth rude man. And if I’m brutally honest I’d feel pity for you being with him. But also wonder why you were.

Yeah, the problem with 'saying what he thinks' is that one day he's going to say it to someone a lot bigger and a lot meaner who might have mates with them and/or a weapon. What he really means is 'I know this upsets you but I don't care and I'm not going to stop doing it because it makes me feel big and hard.'

My mother was somewhat like this, prone to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation, and it was exhausting to be around.

So yeah kind of at a loss, maybe i just need to accept the flaw?

Sure, if you also want to accept that one day sooner than later you'll be on the receiving end; and it might not be just verbal.

Have you been on the receiving end op? I’m struggling to believe he only does this to strangers.

You'd "say something" to someone who accidentally bumped into you in a crowd. Would you yell at them, like OP's husband? Or like him, yell at someone who was taking a photo and got in your way?
Shouting at someone for an incredibly minor, unintentional annoyance is a disproportionate response. This is a man who has easily provoked aggression just under the surface, and that's frightening. My late father had a hair trigger temper like this and it was embarrassing being out with him, because you were always on edge, waiting for the inevitable explosion at some unfortunate stranger. My mother eventually divorced him, but not before the whole family had a miserable life with him, because he used to explode at us too.

I disagree with the majority on this thread too. You’ve turned this guy into a monster on the word of someone that wouldn’t say anything if an incredibly drunk person knocked into them. This is a bit odd that everyone’s jumping to him being a wife beater. Op wouldn’t be able to tell him that she finds it off if she was terrified of him. Op is too passive and the guys too angry. It just sounds like you’re incompatible.