I have been you, I see my past in all of your posts: husband didn't come home, husband is irresponsible, husband spends too much, husband is rude, husband is porn addicted, husband drinks too much, husband uses drugs, husband calls me names, husband is selfish, husband don't pull his weight at home, husband is aggressive, husband is irresponsible, husband flirts with my friends, etc etc etc, you name it
I had a child and it took me a long time to leave and I tried everything to fix whatever problem of the day - of course it never worked
The last straw was when he was drunk and violent in a hotel room abroad and I though to myself 'shit, I can't threat him with calling the police, fuck I can't call the police...I called the police 3 times before back home and was being monitored by SS - I promised the social worker that if I had to call the 4th time I'd leave. So that night I didn't call the 4th time but me and my 6 year old slept on the sun loungers by the swimming pool wrapped in strangers' beach towels that were left behind
I pretended all was okay once he got sober because I wanted to make it home. As soon as we arrived, we had the final conversation and he left. I had asked him to leave many times before, he never paid attention. This time something was changed in me. He left.
Fast forward 10 years and after a lot of hardship, I tripled my income, have my own place and a boyfriend that is kind, responsible, intelligent, peaceful, solvent, mature and goes out of his way to please me. We've been together for over a year and he never disrespected me in any way, shape or form and I trust him 100%.
I'm 45, have grey fizzy hair, no beauty enhancements and wear the most basic clothes.
Please leave. Your children deserve better, you deserve better, you can do so much more when free from a dead weight holding you back. And if you worry about finding somebody else, you will. And if you don't, it is better to be alone than with a man who is not a partner in the real sense of the word.