Is there a term for this behaviour?

[1984fluffysheep]

Apologies in advance, awful at wording things.

Is there a word for this behaviour? My DP will always make something my fault by "predicting" my behaviour. Tonight's example:
He has nightmares. I was saying that avoiding sleep won't help and I reminded him I experienced ongoing nightmares a few years ago which he claimed to not remember. I was surprised at this because he would wake me up if I was shouting in my sleep. Then he agreed that he remembered and that he would make me tea but it isn't relevant because he doesn't get that. I'm not woken up by his nightmares so unless he tells me I'm unaware. That doesn't matter though because "you wouldn't do it anyway". It's like I didn't even get a chance to do anything different but I'm the bad guy.

This has happened lots but my memory is awful and I can't think of other examples. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable because it feels like no matter what I do it's wrong or I can't win? And because I don't know how to describe it, it's hard to even make sense of in my head.

I’m a bit confused. Is he complaining that you don’t make him tea if he has a nightmare, and when you point out that you don’t wake up to be able to do that, he claims you wouldn’t make him tea even if you were awake?
I don’t know what you call the behaviour, but it sounds very negative, tedious and wearing.

I know exactly the behaviour you're talking about. They tell you what you would do or tell you what you're thinking, always to make you feel bad or to make you sound uncaring. And nothing you say will make them accept that you wouldn't do or say XXX, because 'they know how you are'. It usually ends up in an argument that you'll never win or they sit there feeling virtuous and superior.

All I can say is get out whilst you can.

I've read your post several times, but I'm I can't quite get what you're describing. Not very helpful, I know.

Is it that he's making you doubt yourself and your previous actions? Or he's telling you how he thinks you'd act toward him in various situations?

Is it maybe mind games, manipulation

Could you explain this?
That doesn't matter though because "you wouldn't do it anyway". It's like I didn't even get a chance to do anything different

Ahhh one of those

Does he "know you better than you know yourself"

Yes I do know what you mean, and I think it is probably not that uncommon, but it is a bit of a toxic trait isn't it? You can't argue against them because you can never prove it because they are talking about what you would do in an imagined future scenario, not one that has actually happened.

My partner has a tendency to do it sometimes as part of a wider argument. It often focuses on my jealousy - he will say he wouldn't be able to do certain things (like nights away with his mates or whatever) because I would apparently be jealous. But this won't be an actual specific scenario that has happened or is even proposed - he just insists I would be jealous if it did so he wouldn't be able to do the thing. The wholly imaginary thing that isn't even on the table......

For us, it is part of some wider issues that we are currently trying to work through (and hands up I am not perfect either). I hope we can, because this sort of behaviour is certainly something I don't feel willing to live with in the long term unless we can change it. We are talking about our issues and may seek outside help for them also - I am cautiously optimistic we can improve it because overall we do love each other, but open to walking away if we can't.

Not sure if my response helps you except to reassure you that a) you are not alone, and b) yes it is a toxic and draining thing for him to do.

Is it generally in an argument, or does it just come from nowhere, in your case?

So did you turn round and say

"I was only saying from experience what helped me when I had nightmares but no you turn it all round to some sort of character assassination, I don't wake up, hence clearly don't make you tea. Fuck off you martyr"

I wonder what would happen if you didn't get on the defensive and just agreed with him? 'Oh yeah there's no way I'd be making you tea at 3am haha' then off to sleep you go. He knows everything so just go along with it.

DID he make you tea after your nightmares or is he saying that if your roles were reversed right now, he WOULD make you tea?

I’m confused too.

If I’m understanding correctly, it sounds like he’s being needy and manipulative, because he is disappointed that you don’t wake up and make him tea, but he’s not asking you to do so.

It’s emotional abuse. He wants to unsettle you and make you feel like you constantly have to earn his love or overly demonstrate your love for him. He is not comfortable just being an equal partner, he wants to feel mothered 24/7.
You could just start ignoring his manipulative tactics but to be honest that won’t change the fact that he’s a manchild

I do know what you mean, though I don't think there's a term for it. My ex used to do the same- tell me what I would or wouldn't do in irrelevant hypothetical situations, and I can't prove myself because it's purely hypothetical. It all fed into a wider narrative that he knows me better than I know myself, which was rooted in a desire to control me.

If you feel you're often made to feel like "the bad guy", I'd say that's a red flag for emotional abuse.

I also think feeling unable to clearly articulate what you're experiencing is potentially symptomatic of emotional abuse. The thing is with emotional abuse is that it can be almost invisible sometimes. Emotionally abusive people often use methods to put us down that are so subtle we can't even really put our finger on it. This allows them to get away with it, and the end result is we end up feeling very confused about what's going on and why we feel the way we do.

Do you think that could be what's going on here?

I’d just call it being an arsehole and make decisions based on how much of the time they spend being an arsehole.

He's criticising you for things he has thought up. Those nasty ideas grew in his head.

He'd love to accuse you of being nasty using examples of you actually being nasty in real life ... but unfortunately you've not done anything nasty to provide him with an example.

I wonder why he wants to paint you as the villain. My ex did that when he was cheating on me. It draws attention away from his bad behaviour, so he doesn't have to defend his behaviour, and it muddies the water as you are so busy thinking about the accusations and trying to prove they are wrong that you have no brainpower left to think "Hold on a moment .. what's that he did?"
Meanwhile, he's working on these stories in his head and convincing himself that you are nasty, so it is OK for him to cheat, abuse you or whatever else he knows he's done that's not characteristic of a Good Guy. He may have been brought up to think that if he's not Mr Perfect then he's failed.

Pure mindfuckery.
Do you have any friends who might have gone through similar?

The term is mindreading.
He pretends to know exactly what you are thinking, whereas it is actually his own twisted thoughts. This person is too weak to accept responsibility for anything so he makes up stories to protect his tiny ego and projects them onto you.

The term I would use is arsehole.

Having said that, I suspect that in some respects, he is gaslighting you. Denying what you know to be true, twisting things round, making you doubt yourself.

Maybe do some research into gaslighting behaviour and see what you think.

I know exactly what you mean as my parents were like this. They should have split up years and years ago and not inflicted years of trauma to my brother and I when their rows got out of control (and it wasn’t my dads fault, my mum had a mental health condition that I’d hope would be taken more seriously at this time). My mum always spoke to my dad like that. It’s pretty toxic and I wouldn’t put up with it, I’ve been single for years since I split with father of DC as I’ve got no tolerance for falling out / toxicity, give me a peaceful life. I’d have a chat with him and tell him how he makes you feel with these type of comments. Is it true you wouldn’t? Is he saying you don’t do nice things for him?

I'm wondering if this is a wider picture of you being gaslighted. You say your memory isn't good, which is great for him if he's emotionally abusing you, and sometimes we kind of avoid remembering things because compartmentalising makes things easier than facing what's going on.

I would start noting incidents down in a secure file on your phone.

OP, if you haven't had children with this arsehole, don't.
It never gets better.
Start taking notes on your phone.

It's passive aggression. He's finding ways to express his upset with you, but not saying it directly in a way that you can healthily deal with.