Mediation advice

[Mamabird2022]

So I just want to give a bit of background as I have posted here before but haven’t gotten any advice. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive throughout my pregnancy and most of our child’s life (22months) I have had to call police on two occasions. 2nd time has resulted in him not seeing DD as abuse was in front of her and he had terrified her. Ex has done lots to make my life hell. Reporting me to SS calling the police on me turning up at my home and messaging me. Now he has contacted mediation. Mediatior said mediation ensures that I can protect DD whereas going straight to court (going for a residency order anyway) the judge may side with ex and offer unsupervised contact or state abuse is “personal problems” and not really look at it from the child’s point of view

I said I would try mediation but if it does not work I will go straight to court.
my first mediation appointment is the week after next on zoom in shuttle

my question is what sort of things should I state I want I know I want supervised in a contact centre and for him to do some sort of parenting course and some course on domestic abuse but I’m not sure what else to suggest

I don’t think mediation is recommended if there is any type of abuse.

You don't need to make suggestions, do you? I'm not sure you should. Courses don't really work, the abuser can just pay lipservice to it and it makes them look good and co-operative, while they're still the same.

Just tell them about what has happened, about the abuse.

They shouldn't try to mediate in these kind of cases.

I wouldn't be mediating where there has been abuse either. I think you need to consider court. Perhaps mediation are not aware of the extent of the abuse.

I wouldn't go to mediation where the mediator thinks they can mediate with an abuser and singlehandedly do better than the court.

@TheTartfulLodger on my MIAM I explained the abuse and they told me mediation is better than court because I stay in control whereas court a judge can decide for us and there is no leeway.

@AnnaMagnani thank you for your comment, the way they put it was that I could essentially be punished for withholding contact and they may give him unsupervised contact which isn’t what I want and that most judges don not think that mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse and may put the mental abuse down to “personal problems” and that in mediation I could at least have some control over what happens

With proven abuse you're likely to have Cafcass involvement, which adds an extra layer of getting to know you, your child and the situation. So it's not just a random judge making a random decision based on what lawyers say, but it can be hit or miss. I would do one mediation session to show willing and get what his position is, and take it from there. Make it clear the first session is about listening and you won't be pushed into making any immediate decisions.

Mediation is not recommended if there has been abuse of any type within the relationship. He will likely try and dominate such sessions and manipulate the mediator into taking his side. The most significant reason to avoid mediation is safety; your safety is or should be of paramount importance here.

I would also be contacting both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations here too re this matter.

I also think he will merely use mediation as a further attempt to control you and or punish you with. He does not have his child's interests at heart at all here; to him its all about winning, punishing you and doing you down.

I have similar situation and I'm doing mediation .

A lawyer advised us that you don't HAVE to mediation as it can traumatize you to be with your abuser, but you can also do mediation in separate rooms so they go back and forth or online so you're safe, and then you're not legally bound

@Unexpectedlysinglemum we are doing it on zoom in shuttle so that I am protected