Sisters drifting apart, fast

[Donutsfirst]

I can’t see the wood for the trees with this one.
I am eldest of 2, my sister 3 years younger. We’ve always got on, not best friends but good sisters and always there for each other though different personalities so different friendship groups etc.
Our parents died a few years ago now so it’s just us, and we live quite far from each other at opposite ends of the country. I’m a single mum to 2 kids, one with severe autism and one with health needs and I work while caring for them so it’s fair to sad my life is pretty chaotic at times but it is what it is, I’ve learned to take each day as it comes, live on a low income and honestly it’s all a bit of a struggle but we have some good times. This isn’t a pity post, I’m trying to be objective about my life. My sister always has played a very active role in my kids lives, I think partly because their dad left us when they were toddlers and she felt sorry for us (not in a patronising way) and often came to visit, brought gifts, they were very close to her)
She met the love of her life last year and quickly settled down and they have adorable twins. Her partner comes from a very wealthy family (big estate, ski chalets etc) and they have a full time nanny/ housekeeper/ gardener etc). I genuinely am so happy for her as it looks a lovely life and she deserves that happiness. He’s a lovely guy too.

i guess my sadness is that with her new chapter in life the last one ended. She no longer comes to see us as it’s a lot to travel with the twins, and she has a wide circle of friends who she likes to see at weekends so they’re very busy and her partner travels for work a lot.
its essentially impossible for me to travel much because I am on a very low income and travelling with my 2 on my own feels like climbing Mount Everest with one shoe off between autistic meltdowns, health crises, all the heath equipment I need, you name it.

i just feel now we have totally drifted. I get she is so happy and wrapped up in her bubble and I’m happy for her but I miss her and I guess I miss her support. At the start she asked me for advice with feeding etc and it felt lovely to help but it quickly didn’t need it with the nanny helping. We barely talk now and when I do call her we have so little in common, she’s talking about future private boarding schools and where to summer, and I’m wittering about lack of sleep and the nhs waiting lists for my area for their various health needs. It’s like we have the whole desert between us and I don’t really know how it’s happened. I miss her and I don’t have many friends in real life as I simply have never had the time to invest in friendships.

do I just need to accept that our lives are now just too different and let it be? ☹️

I’m so sorry. This just sounds so sad. I see how easy it is to drift apart: distance, complex/busy lives, totally separate social circles. The truth is that both of you are extremely busy in your own ways.

Superficially it seems as though it is her rise in class status that has made you both more distanced but, honestly, if she had married a poor man snd had two special needs children, or moved abroad, I think the same division might have occurred.

She and her DH have the money to close the gap between you and create more family closeness but it really sounds like her lovely dh is too busy to help her make that choice, and she is too busy snd caught up in her new fairytale to spend his money on her old family.

I’m really sorry.

That’s very true, we are both busy in our very different ways. I think she knows she has more ability to close the gap, butI think because it’s more his family money she doesn’t ever really acknowledge it save from the lifestyle…it’s just so different now and I feel sad we’ve drifted so fast so much ☹️

I did try and suggest we get together this summer but they have plans and it just never got followed through, I didn’t get the feeling they were keen and they like their routine and nanny etc and I just felt like if i asked again it would be too awkward. you know that point in friendships where nothing bad has happened but you somehow realise a little too slowly that you’re drifting apart and when you do wake up to it, it’s too late, because you’ve drifted too far from each other.

Sometimes it's impossible not to drift apart though. Your lives are very different now and you said yourself you've got almost nothing in common any more. You so obviously feel second best when you talk to her, how would meeting up with your sister and her family make you feel really? I don't think it would bring you the closeness you crave, I think it would further highlight the differences between your lives and leave you feeling even worse about yourself and your own situation. It's not all about lifestyle, class etc too, it's that she's got young DC now and you live geographically apart. Any friendship is going to drift in those circumstances, neither of you are in a position to travel. I'd still keep in contact from time to time but accept she lives in a different world now. She gave you support when you needed it most, I don't suppose for one moment she expected that support to go on forever, but that's life with disabled DC isn't it? When she was single you were still her primary family and she had more time for you all. She's got her own family now and rightly needs to prioritize them, especially whilst DC are small. It's the way of the world. I'm sorry OP 💐

I think that’s sadly true and it was probably naive of me to rely on her darling support and input with my kids who just don’t respond well with anyone else other than me. I think I just need to accept it is different now and as you say still stay in touch sometimes but our lives are so totally different it won’t ever be the same again now. Thank you for your honesty 🌺

I don't really have any advice or words of wisdom but I just wanted to say this sounds really tough and I'm sorry.

It's being single as well. You wouldn't have felt so reliant on her if you had a DP. Doing everything alone sucks but personally I consider it better than the alternative of staying with someone unsuitable just to avoid being alone. It's catch 22 really. If you've got a DP however useless and a burden they are, it somehow seems you're more a part of "ordinary society" than if you're long term single, like you have some extra social status and also the practicalities of sharing bills with someone and being able to nip to the shops on your own even if DP is basically useless with the DC. Yet simultaneously, when you're with someone rubbish, on a day to day basis you feel so alone/ignored and over burdened it's actually better to be truly alone. Your sister partially stepped in and took the place of a decent DP for a while.

That’s very true, I definitely became more reliant on her and somehow I didn’t think that would change, ever,,when I now see of course it would when she made her own happy family.

Your post reached out to me as my mum is a single mum to two autistic kids and it's been difficult for her at times. Especially not being a rich family.

I think at the moment your sister is in the early stages of motherhood and all you can do is check in on her and try and arrange a meet up at some point so you can see each other and each other's babies. She will always be your sister and even if you have drifted you should still be able to feel comfort in one another.

In the mean time, focus on you and your kids. Try and build new friendships. There are Facebook groups filled with people in similar situations to you. You never know, there might be support out there for you. My mum met her friend through an autism parental group on there (I believe).

Dating would be good for you too, if you are ready. If you are less lonely you wouldn't be as focused on the loss of your sister. Big hugs to you, you'll get there and well done for being a wonderful mum and sister!

So your sister has supported you for many years and now she's got a chance for a life of her own and young twins she doesn't have time to offer you the same support so you've decided that's it the relationship is over?

Maybe it's your turn to support her a little - ok you can't go and visit her and offer her the same kind of support she gave you, you can continue to call her and make the effort to understand her new life the way she has your life for many years.

This too is a phase. I don't know what kind of expectations of independence you have for your children whether you're likely to be able to travel to visit her more in the future, but she won't have young twins forever and will be able to travel more easily in the future.

It wasn't really much of a friendship if it was reliant on her always helping you. Maybe it's just your turn to put the work in for a few years.

I think you should make an effort and organise something at else once a year.

She has twin babies as so will obviously be in a new mum hazy! Her priorities will have changed.

I think you should make an effort to do something. It doesn't have to cost much and maybe it can be something to look forward together.

Jesus, that's a nasty, tone-deaf response. Or is your reading comprehension really low?

But what do you think she should he spending their money on to 'close the gap'?

Agree with pp, she will be in a new mum haze.. twins as well!!

It seems sad for years she's helped you, now she's prioritising her new babies you're saying 'that's it'?

I think I’ve maybe not explained myself very well. I don’t expect her to do anything really, it’s more a sadness that it feels so drastically different now and when we talk we simply seem to have nothing in common. It was lovely when she first had the twins and asked for my advice with feeding etc but they quickly got a day and night nanny to set a routine and she didn’t need any advice or support anymore (if I offered she very politely just changed the subject). I suggested we do something this summer (again not sure what but wanted to offer as I’d like the cousins to spend time together even if my 2 can’t really “play” in the expected sense, but again she politely gave lots of reasons why their summer is packed and it just failed off. And now it just feels like there is nothing there at all which is sad. But I do understand she has her own little family now, I guess I just don’t understand why they couldn’t travel to see us for even a night when they travel the world relatively frequently with their Nannies for breaks as his job is high pressured.
I don’t think my autistic son will ever be independent and as he’s still young I’ve no idea what that looks like yet. Not sure who would date me when I look like Medusa most days as I’m up 5 times a night between both kids and only get 2 hours respite a week, and my son is very wary and can be so difficult with new people, but having a friend would be nice. I guess that’s what I feel I’ve lost with her ☹️

I’m not saying your sister isn’t lovely or anything. You describe her well. But I do think the onus is on her to make more of an effort here. It is very sad, sometimes people drift apart etc, but you are her sister. She should visit you when possible and she should be able to adjust what she talks about (the same as I’m sure you can talk about fancy summer holidays). My sister in law is incredibly wealthy and has an old school friend who has not lucked out in life – husband who left her and her 2 kids, one with severe disability, living in a tiny flat, minimal income as their dad doesn’t work. My sister in law has never stopped being there for her though.

Are you forgetting the sister has nannies around the clock, housekeeper etc and has an active social life and holidays despite being in the "twin haze"? So she can't just be in the twin haze when it comes to her only sister?

OP - the thing about sibkings are as you get older, it's s the friendships with siblings that will keep you close rather than the fact you are siblings. It IS very sad that she is not the sister you thought she was.

It’s sort of like we literally have nothing in common anymore and somehow the chats we have now feel a bit forced- I think she feels a bit Embarrassed saying
they have just booked XYZ in Dubai with their nanny and I’m talking about medical appointments and the long waiting lists, and she’ll ask why we don’t just see a private paed that day and I explain again for can’t and it all just becomes an uncomfortable silence🥴we just seem to be worlds apart. I guess I didn’t realise how much changing lifestyles could make siblings drift, it’s just sad is all. thank you all for your support.

You miss her, and the relationship you had previously, it's understandable OP. My sister and l live miles apart but we keep in touch through regular texts, and WhatsApp pics, mainly of our grand kids but also anything we might have in common. It could be a way for you to just keep checking in until you can meet up again.
The twin haze is exhausting ( my daughter has 2 year old twins) but they grow up so fast and hopefully if you keep communication going you will be able to meet up again in the future.lts tough as you live in different worlds now but try to stay friends for now if you can.

she’ll ask why we don’t just see a private paed that day and I explain again for can’t and it all just becomes an uncomfortable silence

I mean that's just incredibly insensitive and tone-deaf of her.

It sounds like she's been rather overawed by her new life, but not taken the opportunity to include you in her good fortune. She might come down to earth a bit in time and realise how irreplaceable a good relationship with a sister is.

Btw, you explained fine, there are just always people looking to put the boot in.

Money changes people .......

She must feel very guilty to suddenly have all this money and ease and to have abandoned her sister. I think that is obvious.

She didn’t just suddenly go from loving younger sister who supported you snd shared your griefs and joys to a person who casually said “why didn’t you go private.” She was that person once—but now she isn’t.

There is a process of trying to fit in with her new crowd, of acclimatizing to their selfishness and their entitlement. There is a recalibration to her husband so she doesn’t rock the boat by remembering that her sister is living in want, with difficulty, managing life with two sen children on a low income.

To bring you up, to fit you in, to really confront the difference between your lives, would be very uncomfortable and she chooses not to. That is how the very wealthy manage the cognitive dissonance of great wealth and good fortune which lives side by side with poverty and difficulty.

Give it time, it’s all new. If this has all happened in a year then she’s started a new relationship, been pregnant, had the babies etc. I don’t think I would be thinking much about my sibling either.

Your lives do sound very different but that’s ok, that’s what makes life exciting.

I just want to give you a cup of tea and biscuits and a warm welcome. Please reach out to a group on Facebook, I follow one called "Thrive - Women living our best lives" and people, usually women over 40 - some younger some older, often post there describing themselves, their location and what they would like in a friend. There are other groups too you could find but that seems like a nice and relaxed one. Not show offy. People seem kind and understanding from what I've gathered, and willing to meet in groups especially. Put yourself out there a little and you never know where you may be in the next year, you may at least have someone who you can relate to who you can send a message to. We are a social species that need interaction and others, you may be too busy soon that your sister will miss you and be interested in what you've been up to.

Im really sorry about this but whatever the circumstances are it looks like your sister makes an effort with everyone except you.
It’s very sad and yes it is about money and yes it is about you being poor and your children having additional needs. I’ve been there, it sucks and you can’t do anything about it.
I’m not sure what else you can tell her - you’ve talked about summer and she just listed you other things she planned. She knew about you and she didn’t plan to visit you.
I don’t have anything nice to comment about this.

I would look out for local parents groups , start small with FB group and then move further, try to meet up and make friends. They will always understand you and give you good advice.
Of course you shouldn’t have relied too much on your sister but shouldn’t you expect at least some effort from her ? Yes, you should
As cynical as it sounds don’t count your sister much anymore. And it’s not your fault.

It is sad and it is a loss OP, you don't have to feel fine about it. Basically your sister has moved on.

Maybe after your parents death, you filled a hole in her life? Perhaps it wasn't quite as close a friendship you thought it was, more two grieving people who each needed something and found it in each other. Temporarily, at least. Your life hasn't changed but now she's moveed on and has an exciting new life, she doesn't need you in the same way any more.

The reason I say this is because you're right, although it's a hassle she does have nannies and could visit you for just one night a year, if she really wanted to. It's especially hurtful if she regularly goes away and so you can see it's not a dislike of travelling full stop, but a lack of desire to visit you. Anyone would be hurt by that. Visiting family isn't the same as going away for a mini break, especially if it's your spouse's family it can feel like a bit of a chore. If your family is important to you though, you make the effort at least occasionally.

Perhaps from her perspective she feels she's done the supportive sister bit and wants to step away from the role now she's got a family? People only have so much energy to give and although she has nannies she'll still be providing emotional support to her DC and DH. I don't know what the answer is. It would be nice if you could talk only of positive happy things and not family difficulties, if your sister no longer wants to provide emotional support. Maybe your conversations with her would be more evenly matched then. I don't suppose your life contains a lot of niceties and does contain a lot of struggles though, so perhaps you'd end up feeling you had nothing to say at all. I know I've felt that way at points in my life when everything has been going wrong (I'm not one to lean on people and sometimes I've had literally nothing else to talk about, so I became distant from time to time and I expect some people may have thought I didn't care about them any more).

Since you can't magically make your DC not be disabled and start living a freer life, I don't see what you could do about it. Other than perhaps join carer's groups etc as PPs suggest. There's plenty of hobbies and activities one can do from home but with disabilities in the family how much time in the day is there to do these things? I imagine you'd catch up on some sleep if you had the chance.

All I can say is that although your lives have gone in different directions for now, people and lives do change. If there's a basic friendship and goodwill between you and your sister perhaps you'll become closer at other times in your lives. My mum and aunt didn't speak for years and weren't especially close before, but bonded over being old and widowed and now chat weekly.