Infantilising/controlling parents

[Bellyblueboy]

I am really struggling and just need to vent! In the last few years I have really begun to see how controlling, sexist and infantilising my parents are. I have started to push back and challenge some of their more ridiculous comments and it has really damaged our relationship.

It is ridiculous things like my dad not speaking to me for a month because I bought a lawn mower without consulting him. My mum shouting at me for using power tools. My dad asking me if I understand how mortgages work, laughing at me when I say ofcourse and then explaining it very slowly. Them both huffing if I take any decision without consulting them. I am 45, own my own home and work in a very senior role managing almost 100 people!!!!

the problem is my putting up boundaries and calling it out has coincided with them getting older and frailer. The guilt I feel is huge. But I can’t seem to get passed the anger I feel at how patronising and controlling they have been through my whole life.

I have spoken to them about how ridiculous they can be, my dad stays silent and mum just says - you are our little girl, we just want what’s best for you. Aggghhhhh.

has anyone been able to shift this type of enmeshed relationship so their parents see them as competent adults?

You can’t change their behaviour and at their age they’re unlikely to change. You can only change your behaviour.

That’s what I feared! I have tried to see the funny side - but I keep remembering how they spoke to me like this when I was a teen and in my twenties and I believed them! Believed I shouldn’t go for promotions and believed people didn’t take me seriously because they just saw a ‘little girl.’

I have had counselling which allowed me to build my confidence and quieten down their undermining voices but it really hasn’t helped control the anger I feel towards them.

I have this fantasy that one day they will see it and apologise but of course I know they never will.

You need firm boundaries and stick to them at all costs. I actually leave the room when my parents start up. I come back in five minutes later when the nonsense has passed. I literally say “no, not having this chat today” and I go to the kitchen and come back with tea. If I am at their house I leave and call them later, explaining I left because you would not stop when I asked, and this will happen everytime you don’t stop. It’s the only way our relationship will survive .

"The guilt I feel is huge."

Why? You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, and the fact that you do is because they've done a number on your mind and emotions. They are toxic. Yes, they are getting older and at some point will sicken and die, as will all of us. It's the normal way of things, and again, absolutely nothing to be guilty about. You are guilty about things you shouldn't be, which is a big indicator of a disordered, mentally if not physically abusive childhood.

You need to realize that they have had their lives and made their decisions, which is their right, but you also have an equal right to live your life and make your decisions. Have a very direct talk with them and clearly set your boundaries. If they then won't accept and respect your boundaries, you have some tough decisions to make.

I feel guilty because me expressing my boundaries makes them annoyed - my dad doesn’t really talk to me anymore and my mum is actually worse than she ever was.

They make it clear they think I am ridiculous- scoff at any push back.

intellectually I know I am right. I know it’s not normal for a 45 adult to be lectured by her parents about putting the bin out and cleaning her car! I can’t mention anything in my life because they immediately tell me what to do. I have a PhD in economics yet my dad has recently asked me if I know my mortgage will cost more when the fixed rate ends! I laughed and said of course I do - I do occasionally crack open a newspaper (I work in finance!). He huffed.

this happens every time I spend any time with them. But I have to visit. They are getting elderly (well they are mid seventies) and are already annoyed I only visit once a week.

Bellyblueboy

Such parents like you describe are abusive in nature. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. Do you think they feel guilt or remorse about how they have treated you?. No not a bit of it yet you feel guilty. Why?. What have you got to feel guilty about here?. You do not owe them anything; least of all a relationship because they are incapable of having one with you and its their way or no way as far as they are concerned. They cannot and will never respect any boundaries you care to set. Do not JADE them i.e justify, argue, defend or explain your decisions to them because they are not listening and will not ever listen.

I would suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth as your parents are in those pages.

Why do you have to visit?. Think about this a lot more. Its hard being probably one of the last if not only person who actually still bothers with them but there is good reason why they have no friends.

Deal with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt; three buttons they installed in you) through therapy and consider also posting on the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

I find that I can shut down this type of annoying shot but saying something along the lines of "yes dad I do understand how mortgages work because you told me and I remembered it because you said it was important".

That shuts then up. Even if it's a white lie. They can't really deny it. It totally flummoxes them.

I would struggle to say this - I could have ten years ago, but know (and I know it’s silly) I want them to acknowledge I am an adult who is capable of managing her own finances and life.

i feel Pathetic that I am still looking for that validation from them.

they really did I number on me! It’s amazing how badly they react to me saying ‘I do know that’ or ‘I’m not stupid you know’

imagine telling a 45 year old adult that her car needs an MOT every year! They nearly loose their minds every time I move house - it’s painful. They send me every scam warning they ever see because they are convinced I will fall for them. If I explain I don’t need this level of instruction they huff and say they are just trying to help.

You do not need their approval as approval is something they will never give you. They are not built that way and they will never acknowledge that you are a capable adult living her own life. In their heads they still see you as a very much incapable child.

It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way either their own families did that). Drop the rope they hold out to you and do not JADE.

My parents are like this too, although also lovely at the same time. My sister and I both constantly feel the guilt that you speak of. We have both learnt to ignore a lot of their comments but now they have moved on to our children...they give them such a hard time about every decision they make or how they choose to spend THEIR money...and I can see the whole cycle repeating itself with my kids feeling guilty about everything they do because of my parents' narrow minded and often biggited views 😔

I absolutely see this repeating with the grandchildren! My parents second guess everything they do.

I know see why I struggled for so long to make decisions because they had me conditioned not to trust my own instincts. I was used to seeking their opinion and approval for everything. My dad in particular is very negative and will always tell you what will go wrong. Always take the safest option - never take a risk, never do anything spontaneously.

I snapped a few years ago when they lectured me about getting a kitten. I was 40😂. They were so cross - more so when I pointed out they got a kitten when we were young.

I am single and have had to keep solo trips a secret from them because they do not think I am capable of travelling alone.

its exhausting isn’t it?
Look up the grey rock technique and try not to tell them anything. My parents are similar . The problem is even normal conversation can be very limited otherwise i open myself up to “advice”. Then they fill the silence with conversations about politics or whatever rubbish they heard on the radio phone in…

Look you know you’re a fully functioning, competent adult just keep remembering that and smile and nod and try to let it wash over you. They won’t change - they’ll just get more stuck in their own little bubble. If it’s any comfort my df eventually realised I was a competent adult in the last year of his life. My 87 yo dm however is still convinced she is the holder of superior knowledge.

I think you just have to keep reminding them this is their problem. And keep things 'bland'. Don't react. Just smile, laugh like they have made a joke. Then change the subject and repeat. If they sulk play dumb, pretend not to notice. Be unfailingly polite. And don't feel guilty for making your own decisions.