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Original poster

New to OLD dating - I need guidance

8 replies

pubertyalloveragain · 26/05/2024 19:59

Hey all,

I am out of my marriage a while and recently joined up to an OLD site. I struck up a conversation with a nice guy, seems very genuine, lots of similar interests, I wouldn't say superficial chat at all but nice and flirty. We were both enjoying it.

We met for a walk which was nice, had a little kiss. He said it was his first kiss in a year as his last relationship it turned out he was dating someone who was having an affair and he didn't know until she confessed it. Very gentlemanly, good chat etc. so that was at the beginning of the week. Mid week the sort of sweetness of messages faded but still consistent. He has said from outset he was flat out at with work and wanted to wait to organise a proper date when he was freer with more energy etc.

Anyway as it was fading and to be honest I just don't want to invest my time texting or whatever in something going nowhere - I texted that I sense a slow fade and that's fine if it was. He responded with wait wait what are you talking about. He's going away for 2/3 weeks back home to visit his family abroad and said he understands if I want to meet someone else and that I barely know him etc. He said that if he hadn't been so flat out that we'd have totally gotten together by now (I know he was referring to sex). But to tell him if I planned on meeting other people.

Why am I confused by this. He was so eager then abated, now going away, I assumed he'd lost interest but now he's saying that if I planned on seeing other people to just tell him.

Surely if a guy was interested he'd make time for you before he went away? Is he just looking for sex? Or is he actually a gent?

He was a total gent when we met, did that whole European walking on the traffic side of the road meticulously, said he hadn't kiss anyone in a year and it was lovely. Following with a text saying that I was sexy etc but he was trying to be a gentleman.

I know I sound like a total idiot but I am so new to this. My heart is terribly open as I have really missed all kinds of intimacy so I know I need to be careful.

I guess just see where it goes in a few weeks. But his interest in words but lack of interest in actions in the last week (even given he's going away) has confused me.

Please someone enlighten me :)

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 26/05/2024 20:43

Throw this one back OP. If he was really keen, you'd know about it. Don't know what his game is but it's not one you want to play.
You need a tough skin for OLD.

Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 26/05/2024 20:43

I realise this is so petty. But it's made me realise that I have no idea how to read these situations anymore, since marriage breakup. Each situation makes me feel vulnerable as I just don't remember how to do this anymore or how to interpret signs.

OP posts:
Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 26/05/2024 20:47

TheSilentSister · 26/05/2024 20:43

Throw this one back OP. If he was really keen, you'd know about it. Don't know what his game is but it's not one you want to play.
You need a tough skin for OLD.

Thanks that's what gut is telling me. OLD seems grim, it's my first time. How do people meet people otherwise, feel like I'm facing a future alone and to be really thinking I was stupid and naive to give up on marriage even thought here was nothing left.

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 26/05/2024 21:04

Embrace being single, find out what interests you. You may or very likely may not meet someone IRL. Surely being happily single is better than being strung along, ghosted, love bombed and all the other horrible things that come with OLD. Can you tell that I did it for a couple of years, lol.
Honestly, I'm done with the games/second guessing/over thinking. I'm far more chill on my own. Yes, I miss companionship (not sex). I miss the thrill of a new relationship but get easily bored.
You do you though. Don't let me put you off if you want to give it a bit more time. You might be lucky!

samestyle · 26/05/2024 21:06

Move on, he's too busy with work, travelling or excuses, he's wasting your time if he's genuinely got other priorities going on over dating, find someone who does have the time. As you say you are vulnerable when you come out of a marriage looking for company, you have to be careful not to accept breadcrumbs

Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 26/05/2024 22:48

TheSilentSister · 26/05/2024 21:04

Embrace being single, find out what interests you. You may or very likely may not meet someone IRL. Surely being happily single is better than being strung along, ghosted, love bombed and all the other horrible things that come with OLD. Can you tell that I did it for a couple of years, lol.
Honestly, I'm done with the games/second guessing/over thinking. I'm far more chill on my own. Yes, I miss companionship (not sex). I miss the thrill of a new relationship but get easily bored.
You do you though. Don't let me put you off if you want to give it a bit more time. You might be lucky!

Thank you :) I don't know how to embrace it now I'm here!! Of course I had visions of zen and contentment and of course as this rite of passage is, I feel lost and rudderless and craving some sort of warmth. Patience.....

OP posts:
Original poster
pubertyalloveragain · 26/05/2024 22:49

samestyle · 26/05/2024 21:06

Move on, he's too busy with work, travelling or excuses, he's wasting your time if he's genuinely got other priorities going on over dating, find someone who does have the time. As you say you are vulnerable when you come out of a marriage looking for company, you have to be careful not to accept breadcrumbs

I totally agree. I am on the high alert for breadcrumbs, maybe even too alert!! Thank you too :)

OP posts:
TheBestFriend · 26/05/2024 23:24

’Delete your profiles’ is all the advice you need IMO.

People on there often similar to yourself, fresh out of relationships and dipping their toe in and wanting to see what it’s like out there/ get their confidence back. It’s lots of little endorphin rushes when you get chatting to someone but the chances of finding something real on there? I’m not sure. It’s mostly a bit of fun for people.

Remember that feeling when you met your SO? Just take some time to enjoy yourself and it’ll happen again over the next few years

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