Hello everyone. First time poster here.
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, and married for 12 years. We have two children aged 10 and 7. I’m not happily married, I haven’t been happy in a long time. I told him at the start of the month that I think we should get divorced. He says he doesn’t want to get divorced and has asked me what to do to fix it. I just don’t know what to tell him. I don’t like seeing him sad but he hasn’t give a damn about my feelings in the last few years.
Here’s the background (and where this could become a lengthy post). He has (repeatedly) used adult chat/dating sites throughout our relationship. I’ve caught him on multiple occasions. I don’t think he has actually done anything with anyone physically, but I’ve always made it clear that I find his use of these sites disrespectful and hurtful. On the last occasion, not long after the birth of our first child, I made it clear that I would not tolerate this and that if he ever dared to do it again, we would be over. I didn’t have the strength in my postpartum state to leave him then. Fast forward to 2021 and something told me to look at the computer again. Sure enough he was up to his old tricks, combined with a bit of gambling too. Anyway, I voiced my hurt to him by writing a letter. He basically ignored said letter and carried on gambling etc. In July 2022 I had a breakdown and told my parents about it. My Dad spoke to him. My husband in turn had a chat with me. Gave a half arsed apology. I voiced a few other concerns I had around our marriage. Nothing changed. In January 2023, I ended up having nightly panic attacks which the doctor said were anxiety related. I went off sick from work. I directly attribute this to my husband’s lack of action. Whilst off sick, I arranged for marriage counselling. On the morning of the first session, I didn’t know if he was coming. He said “I’ll go if you want me to!” Not the words of someone who recognises the situation we’re in and wants to sort it. We had half a dozen sessions. I felt better in the sense that I got a lot off my chest. Have they made any real difference? No. He is the most passive person known to mankind. There is no drive or fire in his belly to fix this situation. He will not talk about any of this unless I force the conversation. He is an ostrich who has stuck his head in the sand and is biding his time waiting for me to make a decision about whether I stay or go.
To add to my tale of woe, the marriage has been sexless for more years than I care to remember. I was his first sexual partner. I think I could count on one hand how many times he has initiated sexual intimacy, and still have fingers to spare. I stopped initiating and now there is no physical contact between us whatsoever.
I know I deserve better than this. I know my kids deserve to have a mum who is happy. I know they deserve to see what a proper loving marriage looks like. I came from a broken home growing up. I know the pain that causes. I feel sick at the thought of putting my kids through the same.
So to summarise, he repeatedly disrespects me by using adult chat/dating sites, he doesn’t communicate whatsoever, he has initiated any sort of physical/sexual intimacy in so long that we now have a dead bedroom, I have had to take time off work sick because of him, and I have so much insurmountable(?) resentment towards him. Why the hell am I finding it so hard to find my backbone and to leave my marriage? I’m quite a headstrong woman in so many aspects of my life but not when it comes to my marriage.
Sorry for the mammoth read!