Toxic mother in law

[TheCheeseThief]

Just need some help calming down more than anything.

Been with my DH for nearly two decades, we're happy together but his mum is another kettle of fish.

She's extremely toxic in her way of thinking & behaving.
She believes the world evolves around her and can get extremely jealous & create drama out of a empty room when it suits her. (Once created drama with a neighbour because they looked at her the wrong way, think a old version of Vicki pollard!)
Near all DHs family have disowned her, only two of her children left (the other hasn't spoken to her in years.)
Dhs sibling lives far away and has slowly distanced themselves more & more with the visits going from 5-6 times a year to maybe once a year at best.

The problem we have is that she lives near us, we fell out last year and we stopped speaking to us including dc for nearly a year over me stopping her using something of mine as she did not respect it and did thousands of pounds of damages and never offered to pay for them.
She also bad mouthed me to anyone who would listen also calling my friend out in the street and listing things I've apparently done in the past to her and calling me evil etc. I know this is true as I've never told my friend about any of that. Trying to turn my own friend against me!

She started to speak to us again at the end of last year and it's been very strained. I try and keep my distance as much as possible as she just says things to be hurtful.
I.e one of my grandparents passed away and she told me the other one will die in a few months (despite them being a very fit & healthy 80 year old!)

Now my issue is her birthday is coming up and she expects us to make a big song and dance out of it.
She ruined my birthday last year with the start of her kicking off and was really rude & nasty to me in front of my dc.
She ignored DC birthdays as she wasn't speaking to us.

DH sibling isn't coming and she said that they would have hell to pay for not making an effort.
We're skint, just moved over to Universal credit and it's half term my money is going on dc (and rightly so!) and I just know she's expecting us to take her to dinner & get her a big present and we just can't afford it and also me and DH don't really want to reward her bad behaviour.

Would it be wrong to just get her a card and explain we're skint? She always makes me nervous and anxious with the way she talks & behaves saying there will be hell to pay makes me believe she'll stop talking to us again (which isn't a bad thing!) but it got to the point my dc thought she had died last time (and now keep their distance from her themselves as they don't know if she's coming or going)

One of my friends has a mil like yours. Mil has fallen out with everyone due to her behaviour. Along with this she gossips and bad mouths people behind their backs. My friend tried to be pleasant to her for her dh and kids sake.
One day mil rang my friend wanting to speak to her son re x. My friend said he is working and probably won't be home till late but she gets him to ring her when he came home.
Mil stayed on the phone and through my friend hung up. She then decided to slate my friend over a few things to someone who was sitting beside her.
My friend heard this conversation and said nothing then to her mil.

When her husband came home that evening she got her kids out of the house and told her husband what happened. She told her husband your mother is no longer welcome in my house and all the reasons why. Her husband went to his mother's house that evening and told his mil exactly what she was heard saying. She was told not to come to the house even if he was not their as his wife would ring the police. In fact he did not speak to his mother for 18 months after this.
The mil now has health issues and needs help from her family. My friend has not spoken to her since then and has refused to bring mil to hospital/doctors appointments.

You need to tell your husband that she is not welcome in your house and the reasons why. Tell him it time he dealt with her because you no longer putting up with her abuse.
Don't buy her anything again either. Your on a limited income and why should you spend money on her due to her behaviour.

One of my friends has a mil like yours. Mil has fallen out with everyone due to her behaviour. Along with this she gossips and bad mouths people behind their backs. My friend tried to be pleasant to her for her dh and kids sake.
One day mil rang my friend wanting to speak to her son re x. My friend said he is working and probably won't be home till late but she gets him to ring her when he came home.
Mil stayed on the phone and through my friend hung up. She then decided to slate my friend over a few things to someone who was sitting beside her.
My friend heard this conversation and said nothing then to her mil.

When her husband came home that evening she got her kids out of the house and told her husband what happened. She told her husband your mother is no longer welcome in my house and all the reasons why. Her husband went to his mother's house that evening and told his mil exactly what she was heard saying. She was told not to come to the house even if he was not their as his wife would ring the police. In fact he did not speak to his mother for 18 months after this.
The mil now has health issues and needs help from her family. My friend has not spoken to her since then and has refused to bring mil to hospital/doctors appointments.

You need to tell your husband that she is not welcome in your house and the reasons why. Tell him it time he dealt with her because you no longer putting up with her abuse.
Don't buy her anything again either. Your on a limited income and why should you spend money on her due to her behaviour.

Yes - exactly. Follow your husband's lead. You don't have to have anything to do with this woman, if you don't want to. The good news is that you and your husband feel the same.
And keep your doors locked!

Absolutely YES!

Get a card, don’t make any excuses.

Please don’t get your DCs to make a card, keep them away from any of it. If she’s as nasty as you say ( like my mother) she will belittle a home made card therefore hurting your DCs further.

If you have to do anything, just give her a card. don’t explain anything, if she’s got an issue tell her it’s more than her grand children got from her for their birthdays and leave it.

Dunno why you’re making any kind of effort with her. I would get her nothing for the birthday given she ignored the dcs’ last year. Why has your Dh not given her hell for her shit behaviour? Lock your door, don’t let her barge in, it isn’t her house.

Give her nothing OP. What's the point? She is not bringing anything to your life and causing you a lot of stress. It won't be long before your DC are old enough to endure the same from her, so I'd get her out of your life sooner rather than later. If your husband wants to keep in touch that's up to him, but there's no reason you need to.

I think you need to move (even a short distance) away from her, when finances allow.
I don't think you need to do anything for her birthday. You don't like her, she has zero concept of social norms (such as paying back for damaging something that you held dear to you) so, I don't think you need to do anything at all for her birthday.

She has FA&FO what her conduct has brought to her front door.

Don't even acknowledge her bday. Why would you?
Who gives a fig if she says there's hell to pay?! Who is she? She's a loser with no friends, no family. Nothing.
She has no leverage. Why are you letting her control you?
Time for some adult pants I think.

Lock your doors and post her a card

I'm fascinated by what she expects for a £2k birthday present

Does she have a key? If so, accidentally lock yourself out, borrow her key and never give it back to her.

We've got one of these prats in our family. They are bloody awful, turn people against each other, always some sort of drama, they have no real friends and family just tolerate them.

They go out of their way to ruin any birthday or gathering. If one of the others have any luck or seem to be getting all the attention they immediately create some ridiculous drama so they are once more the centre of attention. They don't care if that's good or bad.

Listen you could buy a card or you could buy an expensive beautiful gift, but either way she will have some sort of problem with it. These kind of people always do. You will never be able to win with her.

Your DH really needs to set her some boundaries

Not your problem.

She's not your mum, and she's mean to you.

I would do zero...forever.

How does she walk into your house? Do you leave the door unlocked? If so - keep it locked (safe practice anyway). If she has a key - ask for it back (without prior warning, so she can't get a copy cut).

Your DH is her child. He doesn't want to have contact, and that's absolutely understandable. Your children don't want contact, which is also understandable. Think about how she's affected your wellbeing - do you want her to have that power over your children?

At best, I would send a card and leave it at that, if you feel obliged (although I'd take your husband's lead and if he doesn't want to send one - don't). You don't owe her anything.

And take her power away. Rather than feling stressed waiting for her to kick off again, decide between you that you're no longer in contact with her (or in contact to whatever degree you and your DH agree is appropriate), and leave it at that. If she decides to ignore you for a while - fair enough, your life is easier without her in it. Don't beg, don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong.

@TheCheeseThief - look, she's going to kick off no matter what you do or don't do.

She will cause drama if you ignore her, throw a parade in her honour, get her a unicorn. Let her.

Spend your energy on your kids and having a lovely time.

How old are the DC? A card and a hand drawn pic could do the trick?
But ultimately it's down to DH to decide what, if anything, he wants to do and buy

I agree better boundaries needed. Card is plenty. My mother kicks off if we allow it. I visit wends I make an excuse to leave. With these personalities you never know whats next.. nightmare..

Does she have anything else going on in her life? Does she have a drink problem? She sounds desperately lonely and self destructive. I don't think you can solve that for her but she needs to get a life. A birthday card is fine.

Whatever you do will not be appreciated. So don’t bother. Why are you beating yourself up about the birthday of a toxic woman - if she doesn’t talk to you after that is a good thing!!!

"Now my issue is her birthday is coming up and she expects us to make a big song and dance out of it."

That's not your issue. It's hers. She doesn't have the right to treat her family horribly and then be made a fuss over on her birthday. I would do absolutely nothing.

Does she matter? Do her opinions matter? Do you feel guilty when she is upset/annoyed?
NO
Please stop caring so much, stop her walking into your house, if you can start to feel indifferent to her she will lose her power ( which she currently has) to upset you.
Send her a card by all means but stop caring she doesn't care about you and yours, just slowly learn to be indifferent.

We haven't seen ils for 9 years and the house hasn't fallen down yet. Your dc absolutely do not need her in their lives. Show them you don't tolerate being treated badly even from relatives...

Why on earth are you bothering?

Won't be long till the next incident

Don't put yourselves through it

Lock the door!!!!