Need some advice....

[Westy81]

Need some advice...
I've been with my hubby 24 years. We have the mortgage, 2 kids etc.
I noticed recently he's changed his pass number to a password on his phone...didn't think much of it.
The other night he went out with friends, drank a lot. Came home and when we went to bed I fell asleep, woke up to him messaging someone then immediately deleting the thread. He also did it on another message platform.
The next morning I asked him about it, he got really shitty and said I'm not answering your questions rolled over and went back to sleep. I'm now sat feeling utterly shell-shocked. Am I wrong to question him? And where do I go from here?

There has been infidelity on his side but over 15 years ago. Aside of these things we have a great marriage.

You were not wrong to question him. He was also unfaithful to you some 15 years ago. You seemingly chose to forgive then but you do not have to do the same now. It looks like he has met someone else hence the swift deletion and harsh words to you.

This is all on him, its nothing to do with you as a person and he is the inadequate one here. If the shoe was on the other foot he would likely have never been as forgiving.

You do not have to stay with him going forward.

It doesn't sound great.

You'd expect if there was nothing to it, he'd just say "I'm just telling Frank about the funny thing that happened in the taxi" or "just checking Sam got home OK" or something innocuous like that.

To get all shitty and delete messages seems an overreaction.

Unless you are hyper-vigilant about who he's talking to and constantly checking up on him, in which case his reaction might be understandable and the relationship unhealthy in a different way.

I probably have questioned things in the past but essentially I've either been proved right or I think I have just never got 100% trust back in him. I just asked him again and again he said I'm not answering g your questions. Am I just supposed to forget it all then? To me he's speaking volumes by saying nothing 😔

Also he was deleting as he was replying. So he would read a message, respond then delete the thread

Maybe it's time to disengage and start planning your exit? The attitude he has is so contemptuous.

It's horrible being in a relationship where you can't trust the other person - I stayed after infidelity for a similar length of time. Honestly it was a relief in the end to finish it. (My ex also continued to be untrustworthy but for years it didn't seem "enough" to end it over and oddly we were happy in lots of ways at the same time).

I'm questioning your definition of a great marriage tbh. If he's behaving shittily towards you, in what ways is it great? I'm sorry there is probably a gentler way to ask that, but I think you should be asking yourself why you are with this man if he is treating you poorly.

He's a great dad, provider, we don't argue (bar this trust issue, which I know is huge) we laugh and enjoy each others company.
Category12 you hit the nail on the head. It feels like is the balance far enough to the bad side to throw 24 years and a whole lot of happiness away, but then I also know it's not me throwing it away 😔
We are the couple people look up to but then no one knows about the infidelity side of our marriage.

For me, when I was done, I was done and I have never regretted pulling the trigger.

It came as a big surprise to people when we split as we always seemed well-suited and loved up - mostly I compartmentalised.

In retrospect, it really did a number on my self esteem and mental health over the years. I have been a lot happier in myself and grown in self-confidence since the break-up.

If you're getting to the point where you're ready to call it quits, you might find the same.