Ex Problems

[TheLoudLeader]

My partner and his ex had a bad break up. They didn’t speak for over a year yet recently got back in touch to both see the dog they bought together. I’m now very friendly with the dog also.

Only recently though they text each other every day. And while it’s nothing over the line - it’s just every day - and now even things not related to their dog, just like catching up fun things. Even what he had for his tea ?!! It’s nice they have their friendship back but am I out of order to address that the fact I don’t like / think it’s wrong to be texting her everyday like that ? She speaks to him like crap too, but he says it’s “her banter and how she speaks”

I just don’t like it. I have confronted him before and he did actually show me the messages but a few months have passed and he’s still doing it and I asked again, as I saw a message on his messages, just the
first line and he put his phone away and “told me what it said” rather than show me…

Honestly I find it weird when couples stay in touch over a pet . Kids yes animals no

I feel like a push over. Honestly you’d think it was a kid ! She calls him crying if she’s had to go to the vets or if somethings ever happened… I just feel like surely you’d have someone else to call first. I take care of the dog (like I said I do love the dog to bits) but I’m sure he’s never relayed that his new girlfriend it’s the one doing everything, he just acts like it’s him and has never even mentioned I even exist to her ! WTF !

Feel as though because things ended on bad terms with them he doesn’t dare rock the boat and say the truth, but all that’s happening in front of my face is that they’re getting close again - all be it in a friendly way. But where do you draw the line ?

The dog has just been an excuse for them to reconnect
I wouldn't tolerate this op, I think you know where this is going .

Hang on..... you say he has never even told her you exist?

So she thinks he is single?

The dogs the excuse. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. They are certainly not indifferent. He needs to back off with the dog and tell her about your relationship.

Yeah, you feel like a pushover because you are being one.

If they were friends, she'd know about you.

It's because they're "friends", she doesn't.

I'd remove myself from their drama triangle.

He’s too emotionally involved. I would not be happy.

My friend had a horrible divorce from his wife, but they both behaved in a very mature way to care for the rescue dog that they both had adopted and who they both loved dearly. They stayed in touch and had a custody agreement for the dog, but there was ABSOLUTELY no chance of them getting back together.

Just wanted to give a possible other side to the story. However, it does sound like your partner is starting to cross a line.

Have you had a discussion with him about why he hasn't told her about you?
Does he keep your relationship secret from everyone?

I think exes dipping in and out of eachothers lives like this just isn’t healthy, because if one of them is going through a bad time etc they will seek eachother out for support and that’s really what you should be getting from the person you are in a relationship with.

I get staying in touch if you have kids together or need to resolve selling a house, pets no and definite no if you have nothing to connect yourselves and should just move on.

I guess people have different boundaries though so you just need to decide what feels comfortable for you. That being said would he feel comfortable with you messaging an ex every day as “friends”?

Thanks for all the input gals ! It’s really good to read and get perspective.

His friends and everyone do know we are together. It’s not a secret relationship, we actually do loads together. Just this recently is bothering me. Like when they first split it was bad and she blocked him on everything and wouldn’t let him see their dog, then for some reason I don’t know she reached out - they still aren’t on each others social media just WhatsApp.

It’s just the fact it used to be very basic, and slowly slowly it’s started gaining traction again, like I said as friends but “banter”. I haven’t looked through his phone and wouldn’t do that - I’ve always thought if I can ask a direct question and don’t get an answer then something’s up. It’s almost like he’s scared to mention me incase she blocks him out again, even though from what he tells me she’s absolutely living the life now, hence why we constantly have their dog. Feels bonkers talking about it. I was so happy when they got back in touch with each other and he could see his dog. Now it’s all a bit like a what’s happening here… why the banter, why the chit chat every day !

Forgot to add the quote - see below !

I actually haven’t got a clue. I feel so stupid but I haven’t ever been able to bring into conversation “does she know about me ?” … it’s been a long time since they split (2 years) and I’m sure she’s not stupid and realises there is someone else as he works and I work from home so where would the dog be through the day ! Whenever he goes to pick up the dog he always parks out of the way too… as though I can’t be seen !

Like I said, it could be he’s scared to be cut off again, but I really don’t know how to address it now it’s gone on so long and I’m usually really direct !

I've just been sat having a brew with my OH's ex. It's not the first time, I doubt it will be the last.

Granted there's kids involved so us getting OK makes life easier for them they don't have to worry about 'life events' and negotiating who's at what. If it weren't for them, I'm not sure I'd have gone out my way to speak to her, however she actually is lovely, very friendly and I enjoy our interactions.

My OH and her text most days if not every day, not just about the kids, but friends they may have had together, general small talk. It means nothing. He genuinely has no interest in a future with her, but it's easier.

However, he needs to be open and communicative with you. It only works when there's no secrecy or distrust. Respect is a massive player in making it work

So if its generally known and his friends know that you are in a relationship it seems more than likely his ex knows as well.
Whilst I get very attached to animals and I can understand him not wanting to lose access to the dog it does seem pandering to his ex to stop this happening doesnt really excuse his behaviour with her. It's very disrespectful to you and I wouldn't be happy with it. It sounds as though they are on course for getting back together again.

So Saturday it all came out. Due to a conversation and he mentioned his ex. I asked why he was so involved in her life to know something like that. I asked “Do you speak every day” to which he said they did, sending pictures of the dog. I asked to see and he did show me - they was talking about what they was both watching on Netflix. Asking for advice and how to edit something… not below the belt but annoying how frequently they text. I then asked if she knew I exist and how much I’m involved with their dog, he told me no, but she’s bound to.

He then said that he would stop doing it if it upset me so much, but he doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything wrong !

Oh god now earlier today he asked me to make some dinner (via text) then as I was making didn’t realise but he’d text again (while he was in bed !) saying he was trying to sort something to leave tonight !! What ?!

Have you asked him ?

I asked if he was to leave tonight where would he go. Then he got mad and started slamming doors and screaming at me. Then when I left the house due to pure embarrassment he later text asking what I was doing.
He told me we would talk today and now that’s changed to to tomorrow “because his heads not right”
So after he’s seen his ex and dropped off the dog again he’s saying he’ll have a conversation with me FML

I'm so sorry this is happening op
I hope you've got support in rl

He’s meeting up with his ex this afternoon, he’s really cut up about the fact the last 3 days haven’t been the best for all of us. But the morning woke up in such a bad mood, called me a b* and other names and also said my house is a s**hole so he’s glad the dog is getting out of here.

Where do you even go from here ? It’s the classic when things are good they’re great but when things are bad, well they’ve been bad since Saturday. It’s now Tuesday and he can’t talk, he’s depressed.

He sounds unhinged, and he isn't prioritising you at all is he? It's all about him, his dog, his ex, his mental health.

Put yourself first now and get shot.

He isn't a keeper. He's a twat. A childish immature self centred loser, who was punching. Go and find someone who has a clue how to treat a partner in life...

I know, I can’t even be comfortable in my own home. Last night was “okay” we hugged and went to bed at peace now he’s woken up depressed. I even said I can’t have another day like this, and he just said he still feels really low so he’s moping about until he has to leave and I actually can’t wait for him to go, I’ve asked him to have a day away. Go see his friend who’s struggling and share their problems, just told me he doesn’t like talking about his problems… I want to be there for him but he clearly doesn’t want me around. Just hate the tension of being in separate rooms all day not talking. Usually I’d be up cooking and going to the gym but he’s drained me - or we’ve drained each other !

He's giving you 'the script' op