In-laws - is this unreasonable?

[ThisOrTha]

Not sure what to think about this but feeling a bit hurt. DH and I been married for over 2 decades, have house dcs together etc.
His parents never include me as a named person on anything. They’ve just signed over some legal paper work and it’s only in DH name. My DH said could only be in one name, but having seen paperwork, it was in both their names originally so could have been named as a couple.
Tried to speak with DH to say it hurt my feelings but he has become touchy and standoffish, saying what does it matter.
I just feel a bit on the outside, they’ve always been a bit like this, feel like I’m kept at arms length and never really been accepted as fully part of the family.
Am I over thinking this or is the way they’ve done this a bit odd?

You feel how you feel. It's not a one off feeling. Maybe it doesn't matter but it sounds like another example in a long list of them making you feel second rate.

DH reaction isn't great to be honest.

Your dh is the unreasonable one. He's spent your entire marriage not standing up for you. The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, but why aren't you more pissed off at him? He made a commitment to you, but is behaving like a single man.

Are your finances joint? mortgage, assets?

I'm with you DH and his parents as its their choice and they are his parents.

Do you really want your DH to ruin his relationship with his parents at their age??

What was the legal paperwork for?

Sorry, are you saying that his parents should name you on gifts/assignments they make to their son? Seriously?

You will get the benefit from being his wife, what else do you need? Dh is not named on my mother's will, and I am most definitely not named on his parents' and we've been together over 3 decades. We would never expect otherwise, and I find it a bit odd that you do.

What is the paperwork?

Anything like this we've ever had to do on both sides we've always just put it in the one name. Never felt the need to add us both. We do have POA for each other though so if the other couldn't deal with something financial we could still do it on their behalf.

Yanbu. You’d be entitled to half of everything of dh’s anyway most likely, so it’s entirely pointless yet very pointed behaviour.

…depending on what it is! I wouldnt expect hou to be named on a will or POA

Thanks all for responding. I really appreciate other perspectives on this. I guess it’s what LadyTired says, just been a lot of small signals that I am second rate over the years and I’m never allowed to question or have an opinion.

it was also that DH said it wasn’t possible, to then find out it was. It’s for a holiday letting thing. So practically means I won’t be able to book or organise as just in his name and that creates a bit of an admin burden too!

Agree with others we need more context on the “legal paper work” to say what’s reasonable. I wouldn’t expect to be named on anything to do with inheritance from my in laws. But they have always made me feel very welcome, and DH wouldn’t brush aside my feelings if I was upset about something. It sounds like this isn’t really about the paperwork?

Bet you do all the thankless tasks like Christmas and birthday cards and gifts right? Knock that on the head since they have no regard for you.

I'm not sure exactly what the holiday lettings agreement is. But for anything inheritance related/gifting, I'd probably only put it in my DCs name tbh. And that wouldn't necessarily be anything to do with their partner, but we never know what goes on in a relationship and anything can change at any time, and I'd want to make sure my DC has all of what it is I'm gifting or leaving for them.

Speed you're feeling upset by your situation OP. It's not nice to feel like an outsider with your family.

Re holiday letting thing - my similar situation is that my MIL has points in a holiday let company with properties around the world. She has 4 children, only 2 are ever interested in using it which is just as well because there are only enough points to cover one holiday a year for 2 families. I do all the admin as she’s now over 90, but the points will be signed over to the 2 siblings that are interested in the scheme. I don’t see any problem with this and I’m happy to carry on reminding SIL to book something or helping her arrange it

This.

YABU.

It is pretty normal for parents to gift things to their child. If at the time, their child is in a happy, respectful, fair relationship, then the couple, or the family will benefit from the gift, as the (adult) child will naturally share with their spouse / family. If the relationship has run it's course, then obviously parents will be giving the property to their child, not their child's ex-partner.

My parents' wills named their dc, none of our spouses, even though all of the 'in-laws' are well loved and very much part of our family. Same with all the spouses' parents - they make any inheritance, or large gift whilst they are alive to their own dc.

Honestly OP, I've been married far longer than you and I would not expect my in laws to sign over their holiday let to me as well as their son.

Let it go, they are his parents, how they deal with their property is for them to decide.
Could they have handled it better? Probably.
But the same also applies to you.

Thank you all- this is why I like MN so much. It’s like having a balanced conversation with wise folks and helping get your thinking in order. Have a good long weekend all.

My now deceased In-laws took legal advice years ago and were told never to include partners/spouses in legal documents as if there was a split then it could be considered in all of it, and they would have to change the wills or documents if anyone split up or whatever.

I think if they don't include you in cards/gifts or general day to day stuff then that's absolutely mean of them and I can see why you're upset. But a holiday let is a huge asset, you'll get the benefit I'm sure somewhere along the way, but I can see why they'd only name their son in it.

Surely it's his admin burden so step away and have no dealings with it

Your DH can’t control the choices his parents make and when they are being so generous to him, it would come across very rude for him to say that their gift is wrong because it doesn’t include you. They can give their son what they want and he can either accept of decline, he doesn’t get to dictate the terms and neither do you.

If you trust your husband, why does it really matter? I’d be careful you’re not creating problems just for the sake of it.

Honestly it’s not in your name so you don’t have the responsibility for it. I would probably only put stuff in Dd’s name, not as a slight to whoever she’s with but because she’s my DD.

I think you are sensitive about it because theres a pattern of exclusion and your DH hasn’t really backed you up.

My MIL makes passive aggressive remarks to me sometimes my Dh and I laugh about it later.

what I always find interesting about any type of in-laws like this, is how they think they are the centre of everything. You and your husband are a family unit, at some point in the past your parents in law had to come together from two separate families to form this one, unless they are siblings or something 😂. So don’t worry about being accepted as part of their family, you already are part of it, and also a new family, your only an outsider if you accept their notion that they are the family founders, which is impossible, we are all part of collective family trees, take the power away from them by not caring. Also anything signed over to a spouse becomes property of both of you if you are married, and if you weren’t, most loving partners would share.