Crisis point AITA

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First ever post on here. Looked for advice for years but never asked directly. Here goes...

My husband of 11 years (2 kids, 1 is a toddler) turned around and said he isn't sure if he wants to be with me. There's a bit of a background here so bare with me...

His first sign of depression came when our first child was a toddler. I'd gone back to work full time when our first was only 3 mknths as he said he didn't like his job and wanted a complete career change. With us having a baby, it meant we could afford for him to join and access corse and then go onto university. So I agreed and thought it was great. He did the childcare and then his course part time and then went onto university. It hit him in his last year of uni. I had no idea he was suffering but we got help, I took full responsibility of all the bills, food shop etc. We put our then toddler in for more nursery days to give him a break and he seemed to be better. We assumed it was just a blip kinda thing. Fast foward and he's finished uni. Happy days. Start looking for jobs, climb the ladder, more money etc. Not bad for two council estate kids eh. Then I fell pregnant again. It was half planned as I said I wished I hadn't missed out on all the early years and I always wanted two anyway.

I came off my contraception, assuming it would take over a year to fall pregnant as it had with our first. Obviously and somewhat inconveniently I fell pregnant pretty much on the first hit 😅

Long story short as I realise I'm rambling....It was a horrendous pregnancy. Problems all over, scans every 2 weeks, advice to abort, getting told we would probably loose her...He hit depression again. So I hid most things from him. I went to scans alone and just took the emotional hit myself because I didn't want him getting deeper into his black hole. All the time I'm pulling him up, sometimes physically just trying to drag him back into reality, still working full time, still doing all the finances and a chunk of the household bits, food shops etc. He ended up quitting his job as it was all too much after going deeper into depression. In the end, we gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and she's now running around like a lunatic like nothing was ever in question and the husband pulled himself back up.

Fast foward to now. First is 7 years old and the baby is now 2....

Something just wasn't right. I could sense it. Not like depression...Something else. So I did what we all know I shouldn't have. I went through his messages. I expected to find nothing. To feel silly and guilty for questioning him as we where that couple that people used to think of the apex of relationships. The unbreakable. Through thick and thin, one unit. But there it was. Months of messages to another woman. From work. He messages female friends all the time but he speaks about it and I have no issue. Again... unbreakable couple and all that. But I didn't know this name. So I snooped further and read the messages. All of them. Nothing sexual or direct. But getting to know each other. Talking about interests and plans etc. Not once did he mention his wife. Then I saw that he had tried to meet up with her. Arranged to go for a walk at lunch. Back and forth but they kept getting stuck in meeting etc and there was nothing in the messages to say if he'd actually met up with her.

I confronted him and we had it all out. I cried, he cried, he explained his self confidence is that low that he almost just wanted to know he still could. I didn't agree with his reason but I put all my feelings aside and let him tell me all the reasons he wasn't happy. Most of them directed at me. Like I'd caused his unhappiness. But not even real reasons. Like normal husband wife stuff that normal people go through. Like he dosnt get enough time alone and I moan etc. Well yeah, we have a toddler. Life's stressful but then it's stressful for everyone with a toddler. That's just life. We get through. But I accepted it. Said I would let him have evening's to himself most the time and that I'd do better. Basically apologised for him choosing to message some girl. It was a rough few weeks but fast foward over a month and I've dragged my feeling of low self worth back up from the pits of hell, were back on track, not the same, never the same but towards something new and good. He then starts a convo about telling the truth and he's sorry he lies (he lies a lot about stupid little things) so I'm like...oh cool, a new breakthrough of responsibility and maybe he's wiping his depression out for good kinda thing...

Nope. It comes out in the end, he's not sure he wants to be with me. What the actual.....

I'm absolutely crushed. I've given him my best years, 2 kids, pulled him up so many times at a constant detriment to myself. And now he's just going to chuck me back into the pond. I asked why...He said he didn't know. He loves me but wants to be single.

Deep down I wanna think that this is the depression talking and that he's just going into lockdown and wants to run back to being a teenager in his room and play xbox care free all day. I get it, I sometimes wish for a second I could. But that's not reality.

But the other selfish side is pushing for self preservation. Can I keep doing this for the rest of my life. I love him so much. I know I'm painting a really back picture but honestly he's the best dad, the most caring person and we just click. We have such a laugh and fun when he's all good.
But I can't keep putting my own emotions aside for everyone else.

My question is, what the hell should I do. I don't want to loose him but I also can't keep going like this with just taking a sledgehammer to my emotions and self worth all the time. But then there is the question of the kids and what it would do to them. I'm willing to come second best and put everyone's emotionsbefore my own if it means they have a good life. AITA if I just call it quits and say he should leave.... knowing he's at his lowest point. I just don't know anymore.

Sorry if this is a ramble. I realised I've done a huuuuge post. But even if no-one gets to this point, it's been therapeutic to just get it down and out into the world somewhere.

I realise most of that will be poor spelling and grammatically incorrect but I was crying into a glass of gin 😅

All I see in your post are his needs and your supposed failings. It’s incredibly one sided. I think he’s taken your strength for granted and needs to know that you’ve got needs too if you do stay together. So I’d ask him to leave. At the moment he’s expecting way too much understanding. You can do better.

You are in the midst of this, and it feels raw. But when the previous poster said you can do better, it really really sounds like you can.

He sounds like hard work, and he hasn't put you first nor recognised your efforts. When the going got tough, he didn't work harder at your relationship, he looked outside of it.

Is this really what you want for the next ten, twenty, thirty years? Wondering what he's doing, who he's texting, and how you can serve him better?

It's massively one-sided, isn't it?

He was no support at all to you during that tough second pregnancy and that terrifying period - and quits his job (helpful 🙄).

You even say "we gave birth". No, that was you.

The we here is all you, he's a liability, and not even a faithful one.

Yeah you’re already providing everything for your children, you don’t need to stay with him for their sake.

Let him be single, sounds like a loser.

Gosh. You've been supporting him for a long time, are you doing anything for yourself?

Your relationship sounds incredibly one sided, doesn't seem like you're getting anything out of it. I think he'll have one hell of a shock if you do break up. Sorry this is happening to you but does sound like it could be good for you in the long run.

You just can’t live your life & teach your kids that it’s ok to be emotionally trampled on. You were there for him & he’s taken you for granted massively. At some point, you need to think ‘enough is enough’. You sound exceptionally caring, forgiving, strong & lovely. Save these qualities for your children, don’t waste them on him.

This really is a case of ‘his loss’. Wave him goodbye with your self-respect intact.

I wholeheartedly agree with the above poster and I'm so angry on your behalf!

He's taken you for granted and lost respect for you.

Honestly the best thing you can do is find your anger, kick him out, then he might just start to realise how much you've done for him.

…you found yourself apologising to him when he revealed he was chatting someone else up?! I agree it’s all about his needs and your failings.
I’m neurodivergent so I often share similar stories to relate. I was married to a man who seemed depressed. After a while he started implying it was us (me and our one DC) dragging him down. He wouldn’t engage with therapy. Wouldn’t change medications or seek a review with his specialist about his underlying health problem. He removed himself from family life. Wouldn’t come out with us. Installed himself in the spare room. I imagined he would be happier in a bachelor pad living off pizza and gaming.

In the end, we split. He did seek some help but it didn’t last long. He jumped straight into another relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️ literally within weeks and they moved in together after a year. He’s gone from being married with one kid to step dad to 3 plus a part time Dad to 1.

Ultimately you need to start thinking about what you want, what you need. It’s all about him. I would suggest you get some counselling for yourself to think about what you really want (not just ‘I love him’). You deserve to be cherished.

Don't just kick him out, make it verrry clear that he will be pulling his weight from now on. As you're no longer a couple he needs to be responsible for 50% of the childcare and all his own stuff, his own cooking, half the cleaning school runs etc. starting from NOW.

First of all, you haven’t done anything wrong, and his behaviour is no measure of your self worth. His shortcomings are his, and his alone. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get a partner worthy of you.

You are amazingly strong to have withstood all he’s thrown at you. But everyone has a breaking point and if he pushes you to yours, those little kids will have no one they can depend on.

If he could be saved/fixed/helped you’d have managed it. But this one is a bottomless pit of selfishness. I’ve struggled for years with depression and it’s awful, but I’ve still managed to stay faithful, and to put my dh and dc front and centre.

Let him go. Find your anger and kick him out.

He’s a waste of space emotional leech. It’s all me, me, me with him.

I’d tell him to get out this morning. You’ve done enough for that man. He’s a liability, unreliable and now unfaithful.

You deserve so much better.

Don’t figure out a plan for him. He wants to leave. Let him. But make him do it now.

You deserve so much better! Sounds like you’ve been carrying him for years but I think it’s time to take control and write your next chapter. He’s not loving or respecting you.

marriage isn’t always balanced - 18 months ago I was falling apart in the darkest place due to things outside my control. My dh has been my rock and took on so much to support me through. I’m out the other side and am forever grateful he didn’t kick me to the kerb. But I was never disrespectful, just sad. You may not feel it but you’ve already been strong and you’ll feel lighter not carrying his issues. You cannot fix him.

First of all, I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It's easy to see how much you are hurting. Of course you are - you love your husband and want things to be different.

The best chance you could give to save your relationship is call his bluff and ask him to separate. It feels scary, especially as he is loving and caring and it might feel counterintuative but I promise it is not. He needs a shock and he needs to see the reality of life without you and the kids as his stable family unit. Look at it this way - you've detailed years of putting your feelings aside, taking care of him practically/financially/emotionally and you are still faced with him saying he isn't sure he wants to be with you. Shouldering more responsibility and outting your own needs aside does.not.work. while you both still love and care for one another the chance to fix it is still there, but it needs change, not what you've been doing for years. Put yourself first, stop letting his needs come above your own. Ask him to leave and let him work through whatever he is going through on his own.

I did this with my exH once (we did eventually separate for other reasons 10 years later) and it worked. He had to do his own food shop and cooking, he didn't have a bad day at work and have me to talk through about it, etc. It made him realise how much I did do, the invisible stuff too. He phoned me and asked me when our pets vaccines were due as he needed to know for some paperwork. I said I didn't know, because I needed him to realise how much thinking I bloody did for all of us in the household and figure things out himself.

I think he is taking the piss and using depression as an excuse. I would suggest a trial separation. Him to move out since it's him that has been unfaithful and see how it is by the end of the year. Does he have relatives close by that he can stay with for a few months? You never know you might find you are happier without him. You sound very strong so I'm sure you will be okay in the end. It's not your job to save him or your marriage. He broke it, let him fix it.

Every time he says he's depressed, he's basically been 'rewarded' - by you taking over his responsibilities, and by you absolving him of any expectation of kindness towards yourself.

STOP IT.

You need to be kind to YOU. You need to attend to your needs first. In fact, you need to acknowledge that you actually HAVE needs! You seem to be a very selfless person, but you are now a mother - that means you need to become more selfish, on your children's behalf. (I worry you won't do it for yourself, but feel that you will do it for them.)

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got."
You have always been there for him. You have got a man who is very selfish and self-absorbed. You need to change what you've always done, to have any hope of getting something other than a very selfish and self-absorbed husband.

Wow ! I have never seen a 100% vote result before...

Sorry for the late response. Honestly....I don't know what to say. Thank you for everyone that commented. I didn't really expect anyone to read it. I was just venting I guess. I was extremely upset when I wrote this post. I haven't painted a full picture of our relationship at all so reading all the comments was something I found hard and took a lot of processing. When he's in a good place, we are so good. The best of friends and a duo against the world. He's such a present father to the kids and has worked his ass off to provide when he's all good and the majority kf the time hes a textbook great husband. What I'm getting at is that he's made his own share of sacrifices too. I've had my own share of trauma that I don't talk about but he's been my only rock through that if he knows it or not. He's the one that I see a future with and want to spend all my time with. We had a huge talk and I showed him some of the responses to this post which I think put things into prospective. He said since then, it's like the fog has been lifted and he was in such a bad place and was self destructive. We've had a chat about what we both need to get back on track but my issue now is that I can't let go of that feeling that my whole life has collapsed around me. We had a nice weekend and took the kids out, and I also asked his friend to go golf with him so he had someone other than me to talk about things so he could process it all himself. Which he did and it was instantly like he was back on track. Like a switch. Which I'm so grateful for but it scares me so much how quick it turned back. I appreciate you all going out of your way to comment and help, and I know this all sounds like just ignoring everyone. But I wanna see where this goes. My family and husband mean too much to me and I'm not going down without a fight. If he's going to go then I need to make sure he's in the right head space so that decision is his. Not the depression. As I'll forever regret it, which I won't be able to live with that feeling that I could have done something. It's not my husband I want gone. It's the person the depression turns him into. Again, thank you for all your input. I can't afford therapy but mumsnet is definitely helping to process! ❤️

I guess what I wanted to say aswell, is that I like to think I'm an emotionally mature person in some respects. I see things logically and try to think constructively in most situations. It's my strength as I've come to see it and I do dish that out to friends and family quite a lot but your posts make me realise that I need to reserve some of that for myself. At that time, I needed to feel anger. Which I struggle with if it's angled towards someone I love. I couldn't feel too much anger because in my head it wouldn't be helpful to the situation from a whole perspective. But your replies helped me feel that and turn to anger more than I naturally would. Which sounds weird but has actually really helped a whole lot to get through this. But then let I'd go and come out fighting stronger.

Here's the thing, even if this is depression and not just him being a lazy half assed parent and husband, it's up to him to sort the depression which I'm not seeing any sign of from your posts.

make sure you are clear in your mind that you are not making excuses for him.

I'm glad you're feeling stronger, and I'm glad that he got a bit of a kick up the arse that seems to have helped.

He said since then, it's like the fog has been lifted and he was in such a bad place and was self destructive. We've had a chat about what we both need to get back on track but my issue now is that I can't let go of that feeling that my whole life has collapsed around me. We had a nice weekend and took the kids out, and I also asked his friend to go golf with him so he had someone other than me to talk about things so he could process it all himself. Which he did and it was instantly like he was back on track. Like a switch. Which I'm so grateful for but it scares me so much how quick it turned back.

It does seem like he IS able to regulate his moods and make an effort, so please keep that in mind as you go forward.

You need to put the responsibility for his mental health squarely in his hands.

While it's very nice of you to get him a friend to play with, do you see how that is a bit enabling and you taking on responsibility for his social life/mental health where he ought to be?

Being supportive doesn't mean doing it for him.

He needs to use the kick up the arse he got to motivate himself to seek proper help, and not backslide.

You need to use it to take a step back from doing too much for him.

Christ on a bike I am so SICK of reading stories like this.

I'm sick of seeing women crying and getting upset because some bloke is basically failing to grow the eff up and claiming depression. The woman pulls out all the stops, basically provides for the whole family, takes the emotional hits alone, does everything alone whilst man acts like an extra child and then oh guess what - it's HER fault that he's a massive C* when his shitty behaviour is revealed.

My wholehearted attitude to this is as follows:

1. F'k him.
2. He is a failure as a husband
3. He is a failure as a father
4. He is a failure to himself
5. He is a shitty human being
6. He's taken and taken and taken and can think of nothing better to do with his time than a) talk to other women and b) blame you for why that's happening.

I would wipe the floor with the bastard to be honest. He's done absolutely nothing but ride on your coat tails and sink into the floor and relinquish responsibility. What a pathetic excuse for a man he is.

I'm sorry you're going through this, you sound like a woman made of steel to be honest to have gone through all of this, provided for the family, raised two kids and dealt with this petulant moping prick on top of it all.

He needs to grow a pair of balls frankly. He has zero right to blame you for anything when you've got up every day and kept the lights on for your family while he's sat at home "studying" for some pathetic uni degree and fapping over some silly cow online.

Sorry for all the vitriol but I get very angry seeing how time and time again these men behave. Why the actual hell do we bother with them.

What Roses321 said with bells on.

You say you've shown him the responses on this thread so please show him this one:

From one man to another, you are a disgrace. You are meant to be a husband and a father, yet you repeatedly act like an immature, spoilt teenager. Grow up and man up. If you can't, or won't, do that then do the one decent thing left and stop messing your wife about with false promises so that she can find someone else who might actually do a decent job of being a partner to her and a role model for your children.

Two quotes for you to consider:
The day your first child is born is the day you stop being the centre of your own universe.

The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother.

You have failed miserably on both counts. Your choice now whether you change or not. I don't think you will because you sound selfish to the core. Prove me wrong.