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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm not as happy as I thought I would be..... (sorry long)

5 replies

TLV · 05/04/2008 08:47

Dh and I almost divorced however we are trying to work things out, we have been separated for 5/6 mths and he has been living with his mum but is due to move into a rental flat this week, he was so adamant it was over and then suddenly it wasn't and he wanted to work things out. He has been staying over a lot and things have been good but I've been getting a niggly unhappy feeling when he's here.

I'm scared of a lot of things, that I can't trust him and that he can turn round and walk again lots of thing, we are doing relate and the last session she suggested we each have time to talk with no interuptions from the other person and I did it first he wrote things down and was supposed to go away think about it and come back and respond, this was almost 2wks ago and he hasn't. He seems happy enough to do the happy family thing but still sort of clams up when I try to talk to him. The talk was important to me and I'm disappointed that he hasn't responded.

He also is kind of keeping things from his mum but I feel we are both grown ups and should be able to explain to people we are tentatively working things out. I feel so mixed up and have to say I was looking forward to the fact he wasn't here for a few days (what does that say)

I'm now questioning how I feel about him, in the split when things were bad and we argued we both said some hurtful things however during the times when I begged/pleaded him to at least consider working things out he was in all honesty quite horrible to me and I really don't think I can forgive it. There is also no intimacy between us and I realise that this is going to take time however we have great sex but no cuddling afterwards and a couple of nights ago I think he must have guessed how I was feeling about it. Am I just expecting too much to soon, sometimes I feel he has the best of both worlds and everything is on his terms so how do I turn things round?

OP posts:
stirlingmum · 05/04/2008 09:55

I know exactly what you mean.
Something isn't right is it??
I am in the same position and could have written the above myself.
I think it may be down to when they originally reject you. Even though you really want them to love and want you, when that chance comes, I believe, something may have shut down within yourself and you may be expecting to be rejected again so you are guarded and they are guarded because they dont know how you are feeling.
That's my explanation anyway

TillyScoutsmum · 05/04/2008 10:02

I had something similar with my ex h... I think with me - whilst I was devastated when we initially split up - I surprised myself with how I coped. I was just starting to get my head around being single and had started to see some advantages when he decided to come back. I was so grateful and was walking on eggshells, trying to keep him happy and being pathetically "grateful" for him doing me the honor of coming back. Then I slowly started realising that I was worth more than that - only HE could make himself happy, it wasn't up to me and if he was going to come back because he loved me and wanted to give our marriage a go - then I would welcome him back but I wasn't going to be made to feel like he was doing me some sort of favour...

Hope my ramblings make some sense... Obviously, I might be way off mark, but this was just how I felt

TLV · 05/04/2008 10:35

think you are both saying what i'm feeling to some degree, at the moment i don't really feel like speaking to him, perhaps I need time to think about what i need, initially it was for him to come back but now i'm not so sure

OP posts:
littlewoman · 05/04/2008 11:27

Tilly, your message made a lot of sense to me. Spent so much time actually believing he was doing me a favour. Very sick head back then.

TLV, I find it very telling that you did your talking, but he can't open up enough even to respond to what you said. Do you think you will ever get his 'talk' from him? Communication problems mean you are left to guess what is going on inside their heads, and we always think the worst, become paranoid, and so on. It is so poisonous to a relationship, not being able to communicate.

MuthaHubbard · 05/04/2008 17:36

I think it's a lot to do with trust and honesty. He hasn't been very honest with you and you don't really trust him not to change his mind again and walk.

It sounds like he's got the best of both worlds at the mo - moving into his own pad but has you at his beck and call when he wants sex (sorry if that sounds harsh).

Agree with Tilly, nothing you can do will make him come back or make him happy, only he is responsible for that.

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