Telling the kids about separation

[CoffeeCup2]

How did you tell your children you were separating?

Mine are aged 12 and 7.

Thinking we should tell them individually ( as in he and I together telling them without their sibling in the room) but on the same day.

That way we can make it age appropriate and give them space to react as they want without being led by their siblings reaction.

Husband wants to tell them that he and I "still love each other'. I think this is unhelpful (not to mention untrue!) but that we should say we are still friends and love THEM very much.

Grateful for any advice

Mine were around the same age. It was one of the most grim experiences of my life. BUT what we said was we were still very much mummy and daddy only not like husband and wife anymore. Tjere were tears and cuddles for a bit. Afterwards we went outside and played a ball game then we all.went to the cinema. We each slept with the younger two that night.

You need a bit of a logistics plan, then concentrate on still loving them and that your parenting role does not change.

Sorry you’re going through this. Am in a similar situation myself. We initially thought we would tell them separately (DC aged 13 and 5) but our counsellor said we should consider telling them together, as they will have each other there for comfort and support. Am still not sure what path to take for the best. Sorry that’s not much help!

My parents told us together which was better as we had each other and no one was the ‘first’ to find out if that makes sense. They said that they didn’t love each other any more but they did still very much love us and it wasn’t our fault. We were all sat around the coffee table in the lounge on a Saturday morning (so didn’t have to worry about going into school the next day). I genuinely can’t remember much about what happened for the rest of that day, apart from lots of crying, but we got through it. I was 10 and my sister was 8. This was some time ago and to be fair back when it was quite a rare thing for parents to separate (I’m 45 now) but I think if you google there are lots of good ideas online about how best to break the news. Sorry you are going through this, but better to be two happy parents apart than two sad parents together. X

Tell them together as a family. Let them know your love for them doesn’t change and you’re still a family, it’s just a new dynamic. Mummy and Daddy have decided to be friends instead of married.

I have one DC so not my experience but friends told both together worded for the youngest. Then had further discussion with the older one later.

We didn't say we love each other as confusing. We said we will always be family even though we will not be husband and wife, and will always be mummy and daddy. Then we focused on them and how much we both love them and always will.

Think about some questions that might come up immediately- eg at some point you will live separately but you don't know when exactly, or whatever it might be, while focusing on some certainties like they will stay in the same schools, will continue to see relatives, or whatever.
It's hard and you need a shoulder to cry on yourself sometime soon after so you can feel supported to give DC your best.

With hindsight ours was funny.

All in a room, explained what was happening, did say we loved each other but couldn't carry on with things. Son (14) was only concerned about having 2 houses and 1 xbox, as well as will she have Sky Sports. Daughter (12) laughed and thought it was a joke, she did take it harder at first but don't under estimate kids. They were brilliant and better than either of us!

Thanks everyone, sorry so many of you I’ve had to have similar conversations

interesting about doing it all together as a family - my younger child is very much dominated by their elder sibling so I am concerned that if elder is nonchalant (or pretending to be) the younger will copy them while hiding their own feelings

Telling them is just one brief moment. There will be plenty of opportunities after to be with them individually and to make sure they’re both supported in the way they need.

Having the same dilemma and kids of very similar age (13 and 8). Was also wondering whether to speak to them separately but probably best to do it together and then have individual conversations after like PP suggested.
Thinking of maybe sitting down with them on Monday as they will then have the whole week off school and their dad has a couple of days off work and so will I later on in the week.
I imagine the older one may act all cool and indifferent, whereas the younger one will get very emotional, but we'll see.

Good luck @CoffeeCup2, I'm dreading this conversation..

At the table all together in my opinion, it's what we did, also let them ask questions so have the obvious answers prepared eg do we have to move straight away, can I choose who I live with/is it 50/50? But also be prepared for them to be fairly disinterested apart from housing!

Yes and PlayStations, or in my case - my dd said "can I write your online dating profile mum!"

Try to keep everything as amicable as possible on the surface at least, you'll have a much smoother experience with the children and helps years later when you have joint events like weddings

Told them at the same time (DC under 6). The official line was that we didn’t get along anymore and would be better as just friends but we loved them. It was hard, both of them cried. DD smelt BS and kept asking for ages what was the real reason we were getting divorced. Within about 6 months he’d moved OW in so it became fairly obvious. It took a few years before DD was satisfied and stopped asking all and sundry (including OW 😂) for a detailed post-mortem of the marriage breakdown.

It’s important to keep emphasising that it’s not their fault and that while people in relationships can stop loving each other, the love that parents have for their children is very different and you will always love them even if they drive you up the wall.

I'm dreading it, and also worried that their father will make it all about him.

I want to focus on their emotions, while explaining the practicalities, with lots of reassurance of our love for them.

Sigh. I can't glue his mouth shut, much as I'd like to!

I'll post about it on here, probably, once we've had the conversation.

Good luck to others in the same boat.

Best of luck. It was early my worst moment. Now, it seems so long ago! My eldest is doing her A levels and off to her first choice of uni. I am in a fantastic career and remarried. My ex lives close by and we are friends with him and his girlfriend. The kids pop between houses easily and happily.

Life goes on