Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

I am very angry today, not on the surface but underneath. At H for touching me without consent, for making me feel bad over challenging him (which is probably RSD but in this instance that is absolutely unacceptable) and for him shouting and swearing yesterday. I have empathy over him having suffered so much grief over close family bereavement and I understand that he probably can't help his behaviour and is unable to see it as abusive. But, I cannot live with this man any more. I feel contempt and almost disgust over the touching and I just don't want him near me. It is in my interest to do this amicably, which means not bringing the abusive behavior into it, but I know he will struggle to accept me breaking up. I can't move out easily as he sits on the money and I have to think about him having access to DD so can't just pack up and 'run away'. So basically have to swallow my pride and hope he can behave in a decent way about it.

I’m having this issue with my MiL. I’m struggling with my view of someone has to be wrong and the other right. She clearly doesn’t like me and I can’t figure out why and I’ve been racking my brains. I’ve tried pleasing her, doesn’t work. I can’t stop my brain ruminating over what “I” have done wrong. It probably very clear her issue but my stupid brain won’t stop!

Yes, I’m autistic and always assume i’m wrong instantly, but as I get older and view things from different angles i am developing a lot more faith in myself that i am right, and my opinion is valid even when it opposes those around me.

For me the problem lies in the fact i got married (and crucially had kids which locked me in) when i was very young and didn’t know myself.

i now know my “type” of a “brilliant, difficult man” is not someone who is easy to run a life with.

So do I @LittleSwede !

@bunhead1979 Yes to the 'brilliant, difficult man' bit, I have been drawn to this type of man too and used to think it romantic somehow and I was in awe of their wonderful minds. Not any more. Good to hear your have developed more faith in yourself and can believe in your own opinion.

@LittleSwede I wish for you that the anger can provide energy and determination for all the difficult and delicate conversations that lie ahead. It sounds like you have reached your limit.

You can have compassion for his grief without making it your responsibility. If you waited until your DH was feeling more calm and settled, he might be angry at you for disturbing his first bit of peace since the bereavement, etc. Life is too complex for there to be a right time. Your dignity and happiness matter.

Sometimes people just don’t get along 🤷‍♀️

I find it helpful sometimes to think about all the people I don’t particularly like despite their not having done anything to upset me.

Like Martin Freeman. The actor. Don’t know the man, don’t know anything about his life, he hasn’t ever hurt my feelings or offended me in any way. He just really, really annoys me for some reason! It’s not his fault. He doesn’t need to make it up to me or find ways to please me. He probably wouldn’t like me either, and that’s fine.

We can’t all be everyone’s cup of tea. 🫖

Littleswede I do wish you well. I wonder if there’s no ‘right time’ or ‘right way’ to tell your truth. It’s so hard though, I recognise. I always think ahead a year from these difficult conversations, and it helps me be brave, knowing that it will become a distant memory 💐.

on the RSD topic, is there a way to help our kids with this? I can see my eldest (9) is showing signs of external RSD where someone (usually me) is ‘being mean’ if we have any accountability reaction, like a nag or mild frustration at DS for forgetting a bag that was by the front door and he was reminded about.

Thank you @Bunnyhair and @MySocksAreDotty you are right, the time will never be right. There's always something new popping up anyway. Got counselling later so will talk it through with therapist, her idea was to finish the 6 sessions (5th today) then talk to H so she can maybe help me plan how to do this soon.

@MySocksAreDotty my 9 yo DD has quite extreme RSD over similar things. I try to word things very carefully but when tired or stressed I might sound like I'm making her accountable for some minor thing or my tone of voice is slightly irritated which will then immediately led to massive reaction from her. She will either be angry with me or at herself. Sometimes it helps to make examples of other people doing something 'wrong' and how that's ok. Or humour, although I'm not so good at that!

Humour all the way with my PDA kiddo. So if he feels attacked by something I’ve said or done I’ll do an OTT impression of an ogre, or I’ll mirror back his frustration in a funny way that is clearly not mocking. Like I’m agreeing with him that mummy’s a total despot who doesn’t understand him but loves him even though she’s super annoying.

Another thing that surprises me in how well it works even as he gets older is communicating through cuddly toys. Getting a teddy bear to say, ‘I hate it when people tell me off - it makes me feel like they think I’m a bad person.’ And then, like magic, my DS will comfort the teddy bear and say he’s not a bad person, and we all love him really, but sometimes people get frustrated. And the teddy bear (voiced by me) says, ‘I get frustrated too!’ And they talk about times they get frustrated and how sometimes it’s about little things and sometimes about important things.

It won’t fix the RSD - which I think is there in a basic temperament level for life - but it does help him to manage the feelings.

We are also mega mega low demand in our house, so I basically never do any reminding, and I try to use declarative language. So rather than ‘remember your bag!’ It’s ’I can bring you your bag if you’d like’ etc.

At Peace Parents on Instagram is great with this stuff ❤️

Yes agree with PP about talking about it and being open with kids and their RSD acknowledging it, bringing humour, also talking about how/why their dad is like that, it just makes it not be "a thing" as much as well.

For example my DHs mum WAS a total bitch to him saying she was disappointed in him and being very unsupportive and mean his whole childhood, so it is really deep in him. Whereas I am (trying to) bring up my (both ND) kids to be aware and try to mitigate and also accept etc.

I don't get angry with them (outwardly!) when they forget their keys etc, but I do have a chat with them afterwards saying it must be frustating forgetting keys and how can they plan to make that happen less in future.

Also just letting them be how they need to, the other night my kid was beating himself up about something and couldn't even really articulate why, so we just had a cuddle and lay on his bed and I said things like "its horrible to feel like this isn't it, but just let the feeling be, and it will pass soon enough, feelings don't usually hang about for long". it helped him in the moment and I notice he is less reactive.

It's more, for me, not reacting myself but trying to bring acceptance and empowering them with their own tools so they can manage their own emotions rather than them being someone else's problem. But it's a process, and one with lots of trial and error.

Also what you were saying about low demands. I notice I did LOADS to "enable" my eldest kid (i.e. take them their bag, help them with their clothes etc) when they were "too old" but just helping out in that non judgemental way means that now (18) he has picked it up and run with it and now I notice I have to do this much less. So I gave, without guilt on either side, "scaffolding" when it was needed and now the need has just diminished (though when he is burnt out I notice he needs a bit more again). So yeah I am helping my 14 y o pack a school bag, which I "shouldn't" be doing, but it means he gets to school happy instead of crying in his bed with overwhelm, and down the line it will be a non issue that his mum packed his back at 14 iyswim.

I am learning so much from the interleaving of marriage with ASD and parenting ASD. I’ve just realized THIS MORNING that my 25 year old dd has OCD for cleanliness when she had a meltdown as we were getting her flat ready for her to move out. PP’s description of non judgmental cuddling and scaffolding is the way I handled it because of my training in therapy and other work with children. But reading all your descriptions of working with your children has really clarified what is going on. Thank you all so much!

@bunhead1979 Totally get the scaffolding thing. Alas my strong sense is that down the line there may well be an overwhelmed and underappreciated partner who ends up packing my DS’s bag for him so he can go to work rather than crying in his bed with overwhelm - assuming of course that he is able to work, and that I’m not still the one packing his bags. But no point dwelling on that now

Ooh I know what you mean about Martin Freeman!!! 😂

@LittleSwede no there won’t ever be a right time. I wonder if stating your intention to move at some undefined point might help. Just saying it out loud but also reassuring him you’re not moving out next week. This is the approach I think I will take. Like I’m not in a hurry and we will all have time to find our feet and come to terms with it. I think once I’ve said it I will feel loads better just knowing I’ve said it and it’s going to be happening.

I have a problem with my partner who isn't autistic, but likely has ADHD. I have both autism and ADHD. I called him out the other day on his display of aggression when he plays video games; sometimes when he's angry at a game he will shout and slam the desk and it startles me. It is super unpleasant to be around. He's never shown any aggression towards me, doesn't yell at me and is generally a super agreeable person except when he's either gaming or driving.

He told me that it's unfair that I'm asking him to stop the outbursts because he can't help it and it's just an emotional response similar to when I have a meltdown. I thought that was very unfair. I'm not aggressive when I have a meltdown and aggression to me is not an emotion, but a choice response to one. I always try to look for ways to be better about my feelings and disability, but I wasn't sure what to do with this. I did eventually get through to him and he's now more mindful, but it bothered me that he was comparing his behaviour to my ASD. How do I navigate this kind of thing?

First off: I would not like my partner to be aggressive, loud, and overly excitable while playing a game or going to a sporting event. Its not my temperament and I wouldn’t like it.

But its perfectly normative for a person to enjoy getting into that elevated/excitable state some of the time. Many people choose to go to Raves, pubs, pub quizzes, sporting events to join other people to get into that altered state. In psychological terms they like to operate close to the top of their window of tolerance—up top is high energy, exciting, ecstatic.

You may have a narrower window of tolerance or prefer to keep close to the bottom edge (calmer, slower, more introverted).

The problem isn’t so much what he does/that he is loud and excitable as that it is in your space and pushes you out if your comfort zone. So one solution is for him to take loud play out of the house. Another is for you to wear headphones.

From this perspective is it possible to imagine accepting that he has the right to be loud and make noise, as long as he re-regulates and comes back to using his indoor voice and his kindly/attuned boyfriend persona, the rest of the time?

I have no problem with him being loud. I have an issue with him being outwardly aggressive. If he is animated playing games this doesn't bother me. I'd still get startled if he slammed the desk (though I don't see why you would do that out of excitement), but the environment would be different. It is scary and uncomfortable to sit next to someone who will have an angry outburst without warning; it's completely different from excitability. It creates a cloud of unease and anxiety and I hate it.

Like, he's not 'excited', he's fuming.

What’s his reason to become aggressive when he is driving?
Is it also something he can’t control?

I don't really know, he's just always been like that so I've passed it off as an annoying character trait. He's not constantly raging on the road, but definitely more than the average person. Not to the extent of his gaming rage though.

Had our appointment about the will today. DH came and I think is going to go ahead with it. I felt as though I was strong-arming him into it before we left. He refused to go through the paperwork they sent, or sign the 'letter of engagement', or discuss why he didn't want to. I told him, that he didn't have to come, and that I would tell the solicitor he had changed his mind if he wanted to. We had only the briefest of discussions about what we wanted to put in the wills a few days prior, and he didn't want to talk about it further. Anyway, he seemed fine during the appointment and clearly expressed his wishes, which disadvantage me to some extent, and mean that nothing of his will be inherited by my children from a previous marriage, who he was a step-parent to from pre-teens. While I feel a little bit hurt and disappointed, I have not expressed that at all. It's his will and his choice. Maybe he just knew his wishes would make me feel like that, and that's why he didn't want to talk about it? Or maybe it is a sort of punishment of me because I want to ensure my children inherit, rather than just entrusting that he would do right by them (I don't trust him to do that)? He just seems to be paranoid that everyone (including me) wants to cheat/swindle him. He told me he briefly thought that maybe the solicitors wanted to scam him out of his inheritance. I joked that it must be exhausting to live in his brain, and he agreed that it is! Anyway, glad things are in progress and my will can be put in place as I wish and his as he wishes.

@Mistresstotheworkwife my DS gets like that when he's gaming. I just ignore it, but DH (who I believe is ASD/ADHD) gets very wound up about it and threatens to turn off the computer, which I see as a bit excessive. But I guess if it upsets him to the extent you describe, it makes sense. To me, if the aggression is not directed at a person, I am fairly relaxed about it. I don't really have any solutions, sorry, just offering a different perspective and trying to see it from yours (and my DH's) too.