How to get out

[TealCat123]

Sorry, it’s a long one.

My husband and I have been together 15 years and have 2 kids, 9 and 6. He works a lot (kids only really see him at weekends and on holidays) and I’m a SAHM (but had a very well paid job pre kids).

I feel totally trapped. It’s very clear our marriage is doomed, and he’s really horrible to them and to me a lot of the time (eg thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to call them ‘idiots’ or ‘rats’ or ‘losers’, thinks they should ‘just toughen up and stop being pathetic’ if they’re upset about something, criticising my parenting in front of children etc). However, I’ve stayed in the marriage for the kids (what a cliché); at the moment I’m there 100% of the time to dilute the things he says/does that upsets the kids (I always tell him how awful he’s being to them, and shower them with love and explain that he loves them too but doesn’t know how to be kind somehow, and teach them good morals etc). I worry if I leave him then we’ll share custody and 50% of the time they’ll be just with him and there’ll be no one to comfort them if they’re upset or show them how amazing / loved they are etc.

Anyway, yesterday I was called into school to speak to the safeguarding head, as my son had disclosed some of the things my husband had said to him. I agreed that they were mean comments but said he was stressed with work and he was trying to work on it (I really thought he was), and I would have a discussion with him. However, fast forward to our discussion tonight and he surprises me by getting very heated and telling me it’s his right to speak to the kids however he wants, he done nothing wrong, won’t change, and school can get lost. Plus he hates me, I’ve betrayed him, we’re over and he’s going to call the school and tell them he’s pulling the kids out (it’s a private school).

I want to be rid of him, but I just want what’s best for the kids. And now school’s involved I’m not sure of the implications. I just don’t know what to do or who to ask for advice. Involving anyone else or disclosing his latest revelations seems like a nuclear option (but school are expecting an update). I want to just take the kids and leave but he’s already made comments that I know what’ll happen if I try that. He’s spiteful and I’m 100% sure he would do everything he can to try and take the kids from me and make my life miserable, purely because he knows how much I love them. He’s said things (in a threatening way) like he would do anything at all to stop anyone getting between him and his children.

It’s a long shot but if anyone has been through similar (or thinks i’m being OTT re the school situation) I’d be really grateful to hear. I just don’t know where to start but I know I need to get out.

You need to leave. Call women’s aid. Speak to someone at the school as well and ask for help.

He's very unlikely to get 50/50 given his behaviour and working patterns and even if he did go for that the children are at an age (well certainly the oldest is) where there opinion will matter.

You also need to go back to work. Like yesterday. So that you’re in a better position.

I think your start point should be Women's Aid he is abusive even if it is just verbal abuse at this point and threatening and intimidating you to keep you in line. Also, what was your previous well paid career?can you make enquiries on returning to work or doing any courses to update your skills? The key to leaving is having the financial resources to be able to support your children. What are the assets of your marriage? Do you own a home, have investments, what sort of pension does he have? I'm sure you know that whether they are in your name or his everything is jointly owned if you are married. Try and find out as much as possible about his finances (current salary, bonuses, etc) and where savings/pension are held. Can you ask any divorced friends for recommendations for good divorce lawyers? You need a firm plan. Usually, know what assets are and where, get employment, research local accommodation in case the abuse temps up and you and the kids need to leave before the divorce is finalised, and get good legal advice.

The situation you describe will lead to your children's lives being wrecked by later psychological and behavioural problems. Why is your DH so angry?

Someone who behaves as you've described has big problems of his own and he's lashing out. It sounds scary, his comments about not letting anyone get between him and the children and his dismissal of the school suggest he's feeling threatened.
Is he jealous because you're at home and he's working a lot?

It's good that one of your children spoke to the school, ask for help as others have suggested and phone Women's Aid. Might be worth speaking to your GP too. You and your children need help. Good luck.

I'm so sorry. You definitely have to leave him. I know the worry of 50/50 is having a massive impact on your hesitation but I will almost guarantee he won't actually want that. He will threaten it but he will not want the inconvenience of having kids 50%. You don't want your kids growing up thinking that is a normal relationship and they will thank you.

Thank you. I know you’re right about it not being healthy for them, and I know I have to leave. I wish I’d done it a long time ago. I guess I’m just too much of a coward. Since having the kids my brain seems to have gone to mush so I find it really hard to think through the logistics / strategy / implications and I end up doing nothing 🙁 Just really hope you’re right about him not wanting 50/50, but I feel like he’ll fight for it regardless just to hurt me.

Thank you. I don’t know why he’s like this - it’s got worse and worse over the years. I keep putting it down to stress, and assuming he’ll get better as the kids get older etc, but it’s getting worse (and more damaging as they are more aware). He constantly puts me down (I have no communication skills, I’m dull, I talk too quietly, I’m a liar, my cooking is bad, I’m lazy, I just sit around all day etc etc), so maybe there’s an element of jealously of my situation. I guess I’m worried that if I ask school for help it’ll escalate the whole thing and involve social services etc (could I lose the kids for not leaving him?!) when maybe I can just deal with it myself and leaving him will sort it out.

Thank you. I’m fortunate that we’re well off, the house is in joint names, and a decent amount of our savings are in my name. He said he knows I’ve only been staying with him for the money (frustrating, as I earned more than him before having kids, and the money is absolutely not the reason I’m still here - it’s more the fear of what will happen if I leave) and that he’ll spend it all before I get a chance to have it. I guess I need women’s aid and a lawyer. And to steel myself for a horrible year or so 😕

It's fantastic that you have that on record from the school you couldn't have asked for better evidence.

Speak with a lawyer. You ideally need him out of the house but as it's his home too it's unlikely he'll move out willingly. A lawyer would advise if this domestic abuse is bad enough to legally get him out.

Better evidence as to why the children should live with you full or most of the time I mean

Update the school as to what happened. It will help you down the line. They also may be able to help if he starts trying to remove them etc.

Women's aid. Start hiding important documents and taking copies of account details etc of his.

Call the police if it escalates.

We don't like to think of ourselves as victims of DV, "that wouldn't happen to me" but what you and your children are experiencing is abuse and by staying with him you are allowing your children to be victims of emotional neglect, now obviously you don't want that and it's great you've reached out anf ready to change.

I would ring the police (non emergency) or pop into your local station and ask to speak to their DV team, tell them about the threats and the fact you want to leave. They will put an alert on your house so if anything happens or neighbours report raised voices etc you'll be a priority.

Then as other have suggested a call to Women's Aid.
Then a call or face to face with school. Update them truthfully, do not cover for him with being stressed etc, they can't help if they don't know the truth and can signpost or refer you to other services.

Next get all the important documents together. Passports, copies of wills, house deed etc.
Open yourself up a bank account he doesn't know about, Moneybox is a good app for this.

Can you afford the house and would you even want to stay in it? In an ideal world he would leave but you can't force that without court support if you both own it so look for somewhere you can rent for a year to get back on your feet.

Prepare for a fight, it's going to be an awful year. He is going to make all sorts of threats, accuse you of everything under the sun, threaten you that you are making him suicidal - in which case you report him to the police for a welfare check where he will get a telling off not go back to him to keep the peace.

He will demand full custody or 50:50 realistically he won't go through with it because he doesn't actually want them. Or he'll get it written up so he doesn't have to pay as much CMS but won't actually have them.

Get a new phone so you can be in control of when you look at his messages and irate rants instead of having your day-day life upset.