He wants to end it

[Parkodeparko]

Short story been in turbulent relationship for nearly 20 years and have two beautiful DC's. We have moved countries and dealt with personal and workplace challenges as well as bereavement along the way.

Intimacy has been absent for a few years, life, stress etc

DH moved out of our bedroom to the spare room 2 months ago after repeated arguments over his snoring. We didn't discuss it.

He's now told me he loves me but wants to be happy and that we should split.
He wants to look at moving out.

I knew the writing was on the wall and have buried my head in the sand, we have never been very good at communicating, I have tended to avoid it in the past as I don't like arguing.

I'm so very sad, I want to work on our relationship. I don't want anyone else. I miss the intimacy. I have asked him to reconsider, he's saying no. It seems so unfair he made his mind up and I don't get a say in the decision.

Can it be salvaged? What can I do, I love him.

Hmm. Having been through it myself, years ago, I'd say 'As soon as you can, cut those feelings dead and get on with your new life. No point flogging and dead horse.' It won't be what you want to hear but it will save you time, money and heartache if you crack on and sort out your life without him.

You don't have the right to have a say in a decision about ending a relationship because that implies you could veto someone's decision. Why do you actually want to stay in a'turbulent' relationship where you have no intimacy? Because it's familiar?

You can love someone but still recognise that the relationship has sadly run it's course. You can't 'fix' it when one person has already decided to leave.

Even if you did persuade him to 'try', it sounds like you'd just be prolonging the inevitable because he's already checked out. Accept that it is happening, grieve the end of an era and prepare to move forward on your own.

My sister had the same situation. He agreed( somewhat reluctantly) to try but it was over within 6 months. He had his eye on someone from work despite saying there was nobody else. That was 20 years ago and he’s still with her now. Sister met someone else too.
It will be so hard after all this time and will feel like grief. Allow time to mourn the loss but then you can focus on you and you could have a whole new era ahead .Good luck.

let him go and hopefully he may miss you after some time spent apart. In life what is meant to be yours will find a way back to you. If not move on and you may end up happier. Learn to spend time with yourself, keep busy and that’s all you can do. Do not beg him to stay it’s the worst thing you can do and no matter how angry you feel keep things civil and reasonable for the kids. Yes it hurts like hell but in the long run show your best self.

Sorry, that does sound really tough. It does sound like there were some missed opportunities for either side to bring things to a head and work on the relationship. I'd say he's already moved on in his head, and I'm not sure you'll have much luck convincing him otherwise.

This is so hard for you. It is probably very hard for him too but perhaps he has been acknowledging the relationship has run it's course for a while, and his mind has been preparing for it to eventually end, whereas you have not been preparing for this eventuality. It sounds like he has made his mind up and didn't say it on a whim. It probably took courage for him to make that step. Maybe you are more scared of change than of ending it. Maybe you are trying to hold on to what you had years ago, but in reality the relationship has run it's natural course. Maybe try to communicate exactly how you feel, but would that just be delaying the inevitable.

Sorry, this is so hard for you.

Let him go and perhaps with a bit of space he may be willing to try counselling to work through issues.

Dont try to persuade him to stay or point out all good things in your marriage it will just push him further away

This is really tough but the way you describe your marriage , I'd be ending it too

This is happening to me. He has met someone else and told me he wants to leave after 23 years. We have had a difficult couple of years for various reasons but were still having sex up until a month ago. He says he wants me to move on and be happy, but I wasn't unhappy in the first place! He's the one who wants to move on. I am heartbroken and devastated. I really really feel for you OP. Sending love.

Sorry @poshfrock 💐

It sounds like it hasn't been a good relationship for some years. You haven't been close. No intimacy.

The time to try was years ago. Not burying your head in the sand and ignoring it / hoping it would magically get better without making any effort.

It sounds like he's made a sensible decision based on your post. I know it's hard, but it's probably for the best - you just can't see that right now. Perhaps your relationship ran its course some time ago. Perhaps you weren't well suited from the start. Whatever the reason, it sounds as though you both stopped trying a long time ago.

You can't force him to want to stay and try. And if you could, it would be unlikely to work now he's made a decision. Much better to gather yourself and move forward. And maybe work on your communication (you say it isn't very good) before you consider another relationship (but also for the other relationships in your life).

I wish you all the best.

I agree with others and as someone who has recently been broken up with when I didnt want that.

Let him make his decision. Give him and you space. If you are meant to be you'll find a way back. And if not in the space you can begin healing.

Turbulent relationships tends to create a lot of old resentment that just festers and once the decision has been made to leave that resentment is the driving force that allows you to not look back. At least that's how it has been for me. Once I left all I could remember were the bad times and it has made it impossible to even think of having a relationship with that person, even after 20+ years together. I think just respect his decision, it doesn't sound like a bad one. What you would be fighting for isn't worth it.

The thing is, breaking up isn’t a two-way decision. The only person who gets to decide whether a relationship ends is the person who wants to end it - nobody should be persuaded to stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in. It’s shitty and hurtful and devastating I know, I’ve been on the end of it when I wanted to continue working at it but the other person didn’t. In hindsight, though, in my case think they were totally right to end it, it wasn’t healthy, and I now kind of admire them to have the balls to do it when I didn’t. It doesn’t sound like your relationship has been good for a long time, and if you’ve been pushing away any attempts to talk/work at it I can see why he’s reached the end of his tether.

Oh I am sorry, that must be very painful for you. The end of a relationship is always hard.

What have you been doing the last few years to resolve the problems you've been having? Lack of intimacy, "turbulence", arguments etc? I'm not trying to be unkind, but this period of difficulty has been your opportunity to have a say in the decision. Once it's reached end point, you've missed your opportunity to have input.

If the relationship has been difficult for years and you've done nothing to work on the problems you've been having, you can't really be surprised that one of you has decided to bite the bullet and end it?

You deserve to be with someone who loves the bones of you. You deserve to be with someone who cannot imagine a life without you, not someone who is ambivalent.

give yourself the opportunity to find that person, don’t settle.

You can't go back to what you once had, you can only face your fear and move forward.