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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My trust issues

6 replies

TheDramaLlama123 · 23/05/2024 15:05

I have been seeing a guy for over a year. All is great when we are together but when we are apart we tend to get annoyed with each other.
I was single for many years if that's relevant. I am struggling to cope with my feelings and the person I am when we text or call during our time apart. I am thinking I should end it as I am starting to think it isn't healthy on both sides. I have major trust issues as my DCs father cheated on me multiple times in the 17 years we were together, eventually leaving me for his now wife.
I love my BF and enjoy being with home but he has made my issues even worse as he has lied multiple times in the relationship.

He told me 5 months into the relationship he had kids when he had told me he didn't several times and h has a wife (the dcs mother) they all live in his home country. He told me they are separated.

There are many more small lies, silly things mostly. But each one destroys me and makes me more and more anxious and I don't like my behaviour (snappy and sulky) when I react to the lies.

He is currently away for 2 days for work. It's where he used to live if that's relevant. He told me he is in and out no time to even go shopping. He text me he was out of the meeting than 1 minutes later he text me again in his own language (not the country he is in's language) which translated to 'I'm just out, where are you'. I felt so sick, pure fear is the only way I can phrase it. He said sorry that was meant for a friend who is helping me. I think it's the girl/friend who he likes each and every social media post she puts up (silly I know to notice these things but he barely likes any of mine)

Sorry for the rambling. I really do love him but can't stand feeling this way anymore. Is this something I can work on or do I need to call it a day?

I am sure I am overreacting to the text as he is allowed to have female friends.

I should add we only spend every other weekend together and try to meet for coffee the following week due to my kids. Whom he doesn't want to meet yet.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/05/2024 16:24

I don't think you have "trust issues" - you have a boyfriend who has proven himself untrustworthy.

Lying about having kids is bloody huge. And he keeps lying.

Dump dump dumpy dump dump.

hg167 · 23/05/2024 16:52

You’re definitely not overreacting at all - it’s not little lies either he’s told you, telling you he doesn’t have kids and then suddenly 5 months later admitting he has kids and is still married is a big enough reason to let him go and move on.

Especially with the text you’ve received, I’d be thinking is he maybe still seeing his wife (and telling you they’re separated when they’re not) and meeting up with her.

Definitely time to get rid!

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 23/05/2024 17:14

Yeah this isn’t you.
I have trust issues after a horrible marriage but I met someone who is consistent and lovely. One time I thought I’d caught him in a lie so I just asked him about it and he explained. He even said ‘Never be afraid to ask me about these things. You deserve honesty from me’.
Lying about having kids and being married is massive and it’s okay if you don’t trust him because of that! My Mum used to say ‘I don’t profess to know much about relationships but I know this - without trust, there is no relationship’. Heed her words. Surely you’re better off on your own than in this head fuck of a situation?!

Aldertrees · 23/05/2024 17:45

He's married to his wife in his home country and you are his bit on the side. Sorry.

category12 · 23/05/2024 17:52

Aldertrees · 23/05/2024 17:45

He's married to his wife in his home country and you are his bit on the side. Sorry.

Yeah, I doubt the wife is aware they're "separated".

TheDramaLlama123 · 23/05/2024 17:54

Thanks for all the responses. I know you are all right. And the right person wouldn't make you feel this way. My behaviour hasn't been perfect but if you loved someone you wouldn't want them feeling this way

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