Thoughts about dating in your mid-30's - is it petrifying???

[justfindingmyway]

Hi lovely people of MN,

I am not yet in a position to think about this, as have a long journey ahead of me to heal from a previous relationship.

But, at almost 34, I am feeling very anxious about time with regards to having a family etc., with the RIGHT man.

I like to think I am fairly attractive (i hope this doesn't sound shallow, i hate blowing my own trumpet). I take care of myself, have a good job in London and try to be a good person.

I want to meet a man who wants to do all of the things one day, and also who I can work hard with to have a nice life. It is also super important for me now that they are empathetic, respectful and kind.

I had a look at my friend's dating app, and honestly, it feels like the type of men I have described either do not exist, or are not OLD.

I am quite shy, and very petite at 4'10, so am not very out there, or noticeable. At least that's how I feel.

I know one day I want to meet a true life parter. Does anyone have any hopeful stories for me, words of wisdom, a slap to the face perhaps?

I am feeling super down, and it makes me doubt my own decisions to leave a very unhealthy relationship. He worked hard, we had a comfortable life, but I didn't feel he saw me as an equal at all, my needs always felt secondary and like I was there to 'serve' and 'support'.

Sorry, I am very insecure right now. I am having therapy and trying my best, but the future is scary for me xxx

Thanks for reading

I am about older than you and I can promise you there are good, decent, loving men out there. You do have to go on some awful dates if you are on apps but consider that necessary. Don’t be desperate, be honest in your communications and accept that some men (and women) on apps are pigs.

maybe spend some time with yourself and friends first and get more confidence

Thank you for answering. Did you find one OLD? The world feels a scary place to me right now xx

I did indeed ❤️ I was not going to meet anyone at work and socially my girlfriends didn’t really get it as they are largely deep in married life.

To start with, I wasn’t ready to date and mid divorce and subconsciously I went for men who were so ridiculous and not my type that there was little chance of me getting hurt at all if things went cold. I had a lot of fun but also a few nutcases and dramas.

I then met a guy who was perhaps 80% right and that lasted a couple of years but there were some major differences and we were never going to last but I am glad it happened because I learnt a lot about myself and what I wanted going forward.

I started dating again and went on some dates with guys who were lovely but not for me and that was actually harder because the connections were a little deeper.

i swiped right on my lovely partner because he ticked all the boxes and had kind eyes. We had great chats, he didn’t try to gaslight me or lovebomb me, just nice conversations, shared values, and humour. We then had a video chat and he was even nicer! Great connection so HE organised a date for us and we’ve been together since.

OLD is a mixed bag. There are a LOT of broken people out there who have no business dating. Take baby steps and I suggest something like Bumble where you can have a PAID subscription and chose to be incognito. That way you see all the guys and they only see you after you give them a swipe. That way you can avoid being inundated by scammers and perverts. Hinge is also an OK app but you can’t do the undercover thing there. I would avoid POF and Tinder.

Have a fake name
Don’t give anyone your WhatsApp to start with. My partner didn’t get mine until we had done our video date.
No nudes and don’t get dragged into sex talk. Unless you want to of course.
Don't use any photos that appear elsewhere like work websites.
Don't share too much personal detail that can identify your work, locations like tube stations you use, etc
If he doesn’t respond in more than two days bin him off (unless he told you he was flying to Japan or at a funeral)
Take it slowly to start with and go on a coffee date or a drink after work.
Tell someone where you are going and who with and arrange your own transport. Don’t let him book you an Uber because then he can see where you got off.
A man who is genuinely interested in you will make the effort but so will a man who is desperate. Know the difference.

Have fun with it. Things I’ve done with guys I didn’t end up with included rowing in Hyde Park, a concert, countless lovely dinners and Sunday lunches, gallery event, his company Xmas party, Covid walks with lovely dogs,

I'm a few years older than you and spent all of my early thirties single until I was 35! I did a bit of OLD and can promise you there are really good guys on there, not all of them but that's exactly the same as real life. In fact most of the single men you might meet in real life are probably on an online dating platform at some point! I dated a few guys from online when I was single, some nice, some not really for me, and then found my Mr Right at 35! Pretty much fell in love with him the night we met (soppy, I know lol) and now we live together and have a 5 month old at the ripe old age of 38 haha!

Have your any single friends? OLD was much more fun when there were a couple of us sharing stories and support and it took a year but we all finally met great guys two thru OLD and another via friends. There was lots of tears but also lots of laughter, wine and fun. I look back on it so fondly as a great time where I actually really grew up finally and was really ready for a relationship - happy now with a couple of kids.

Have your any single friends? OLD was much more fun when there were a couple of us sharing stories and support and it took a year but we all finally met great guys two thru OLD and another via friends. There was lots of tears but also lots of laughter, wine and fun. I look back on it so fondly as a great time where I actually really grew up finally and was really ready for a relationship - happy now with a couple of kids.

There are some super blokes out there dating in their 30s.

I made a handful of good friends OLD as well as meeting my 'soulmate' (read freakishly similar DP) at 35. My closest male friend I met as a date has now just got engaged to a gorgeous woman of 37 whom he met OLD lady year.

I also met a lot of dross and had to weed out a few potential nasties (the one pre DP started being quite abusive a few weeks in) so be picky and do not give second chances for shit behaviour. You're a mature woman and know what treatment is acceptable. If you're not sure, ask on here.

I would say as a professional 30 something wanting a family in London go for the professional crowd who are just settling down now rather than those who already have kids. Nothing against dating parents, it's just another layer that needs to go right. Fine if you're 26 or past wanting kids but not really now when time is of the essence.

Maybe some therapy sessions on body image? Your height is fine. Tbh, a lot of lovely guys who aren't the tallest get ignored thanks to this obsession with male height OLD so you'll have your pick if their height isn't an issue to you.

I'd also try and get out there ASAP. Don't over invest, no chatting more than a week before meeting, max one phone or video call. Just a drink or coffee with low expectations and high standards to get yourself out there. You'll be fine!!

If you feel like someone is just after sex or not that keen, you're probably right. It's not personal. Just move on

You can have loads of fun meeting people on dating apps - get good photos and have low expectations. You can date younger men too. I'm late 30s and a good chunk of my friends met their childrens fathers in mid 30s xx

Ps I recommend counselling to process the recent breakup and reading lalalaletmeexplain book and her podcast for tips navigating dating

Thanks so much for taking the time to answer, lovely. I am glad you met someone nice!! Sounds like you went on some lovely dates.

All of this is top advice, thank you. I have a bad habit of being too nice and open, which I really should reign in due to recent experience with emotional abuse.

Did you have a big checklist of what you were after? I don't know if it is the wrong approach, but I think when I do start to date, I am going to be fussy, just hope I am not being unrealistic.

I want to do all the committed things with the right guy, I just hope they're not all time wasters but no doubt there'll be some.

Thanks again, you've helped me to feel more optimistic x

Ahh, I'm happy to hear, and thank you for taking the time to answer and giving me some optimism!!! Have a wonderful future with your family :)

Thanks for answering. No I don't really, which is hard. I have a colleague at work who I get on well with who has become recently single, and he's up for everything so maybe that could work lol

Thanks so much for this, a really helpful answer. I will definitely take the advice about being picky. Perhaps I should expect to have to do a lot of weeding :) And I'll definitely be back to MN for opinions, as I mentioned in a previous comment, I can be too nice.

@NosyJosie Lots of helpful advice! Thanks for sharing. Curious about the fake name thing. What's the reason for that? And at what point do you confess your real name?

What @NosyJosie said....

Numbers game to a certain extent, look at it as meeting new people and slowly screen and get to know them, rather than The One.

This may be me or a matter of opinion, but I feel online has got pretty crazy over the last few years - used to be if you had reasonable presentation and social skills, you'd sift through some weirdos but find some sincere dates at your "level".

Now it's like everyone is a scammer or doesn't want to meet, anyone normal with an ok profile wants to send a sex photo after two messages or you meet and they're a sex addict dating ten people (maybe influx of people during lockdown?).

I hope you have some luck with it, but I'd just say to be prepared with a very thick skin, and don't use apps as your only means of meeting people

(they can give you a very "warped" view of life.

If you're London and childfree with some going out budget, you genuinely will have the best options in the WORLD for meeting new people!

I might even give it a year of being single!).

Floundering around London in my 20's I just went out and met people (dressing ok but student budget, not like clubs in clubwear) and met plenty of decent guys.

(If I was based in London I'd start showing up at the gallery late openings, they look fun and like where a thoughtful bloke might come after work.

But no expectations - just turn up and enjoy the exhibitions!).

"He worked hard, we had a comfortable life, but I didn't feel he saw me as an equal at all, my needs always felt secondary and like I was there to 'serve' and 'support'."

I haven't done therapy but I think maybe you might want to unpick this dynamic, to avoid it again? What would a supportive person look like? Any red flags you could have spotted earlier about his behaviour?

Ultimately it takes time to find your feet socially and date and get to know people.

I'd say watch out for any "too good to be true" types - get to know guys over a year to get a feel for them and if they fit into your life and make you feel good.

Maybe just "date" and don't be intimate or promise exclusivity or get into a relationship for a while.

There's lots of guys who can give good date for a while (or have the resources to get you interested early on if they're successful on paper) but it's only time that will show.

I'd say for expectations have some hard lines (I agree not to go for men with children) but also let people unfold over time.

People do tend to do things later at the moment, and someone your age might still be working his way up in terms of career and finances?

I'd look for compatibility, generosity, a flexible/realistic attitude to life and career, and similar attitudes to spending and money rather than someone who is already super established and expects you to fit in with them.

Not a hippy if that's not your type but not an arrogant banker?

If you've got a good job yourself, two good jobs will probably go very far!

If you have a super normal name like Lucy go for it but if you’re name is say Matilda and you mention in conversation that you work in fashion in Manchester then it would take someone about two minutes to track you down on LinkedIn.

Of this works both ways, which can be handy

@PufferBees shoit out to the banker who tried to date me. His profile was full of sporty pictures with the boys. Turns out they were ALL from his brother’s stag do five years earlier and he worked 120 hours a week so did nothing and those weren’t even his mates.

Just a word on a group I think you might be hindered by (I was a bit!). The Good Job Timewasters.

Don't put too much positive significance on a good profile. If it's bad then swipe because they haven't even been arsed to make a good impression. Any negativity especially about women, 'no drama' etc. Ew.

However. If it's picture perfect: one pic of them travelling, a monument, a festival with loads of very clean mates, a suit or stethoscope, a pretty but PG female friend, something sporty, a nice but bland blurb about wanting to meet the right girl... Blah blah. One of mum. Job in medicine, finance, law etc.

They could be well meaning but I've come across a lot of these types who use the '30s, good job, clean image, pretending to want a proper relationship' guff when they are still simply after sex.

Harmless and quite easy to spot but I came across hoardes in London. Had some fun nights out so no harm done but if you're wanting something serious and they just want to meet somewhere nearby, get pissed and go home, you know what's what.

Not necessarily bad guys and probably do want to settle eventually, just don't waste your time wondering why their behaviour doesn't match their initial words if you get the impression they're just after a good time. They've worked hard and are coming to their wild stage late. Not on your watch (unless you feel like it).

There was a recent thread from a woman who had met one of these and was wondering what it all meant!

I still get random messages from a few who I think are finally settling down wanting to know if I am single!! Obv I ignore.

Re fake name: fine for your profile especially if sensitive/ public facing job or you've got an unusual name but let people know the real one when you start chatting. I'd personally say it looks a bit overkill if you haven't got a particular reason (just my opinion). Better to keep your SM locked down

totally with you on the ‘no drama’ comment. So many of them.

I’ll be honest, I’m not feeling it at all. I downloaded out of curiosity last night and it made me feel so much worse. I know I’m not in the right state for it currently anyway, and shouldn’t have done it, but curiosity for the better of me.

I now really am thinking it’s possible I may not meet anyone! I’m not sure the apps are for me and my social circle is small, with a handful of lovely friends who are all settled and happy now.

It’s made me feel so bad that I get the niggle of ‘should I have just become more resilient to the emotional stuff’ with my ex. I know that’s very very foolish, but I’m vulnerable right now.

i have a wonderful friend who I’ve known for years. He is so kind, and supportive, and he’s told me before he has a special place for me in his heart. He’s 33 like me, well intentioned. But I’ve not seen him in that way so far. It’s made me wonder whether I’m actually attracted to the wrong people, and maybe I’ve actually never experienced ‘real love’???

I know it’s a deep question, but does anyone know what real love feels like? I’ve always taken it as the butterflies, the chemistry, the dating. But am I looking at this all wrong and pursuing the wrong type of person!?

I want someone emotionally steady and available, who can be there with me through a crisis. But I’m also wanting this person who is a high flyer and can provide. Maybe I’m getting this all wrong and the two don’t really go hand in hand! I’m so confused x

Beware the man who “steps up” when you become single. You don’t need rescuing.

yes it’s daunting but to meet someone you have to get out there. You’re not ready.

Don’t worry about if you will meet someone, focus on building a life for yourself that you are happy in and then go from there.

Thank you. You’ve hit a nerve there as what you say is true. I think I’m perpetually waiting to be ‘saved’. I don’t know from what or whom. I think it’s from my own demons, truth be told I’ve been feeling hopeless about life, and my place in the world simply for who I am. I don’t know if that was always there, or a byproduct of emotional abuse. Something in me feels very broken, and no amount of self-help reading, audiobooks, therapy, medication, nothing seems to resolve it. Honestly I’m worried about myself, and feel maybe I’m not ‘normal’. Perhaps that’s why I’m so focussed on not being alone x