Have you successfully reduced time with emotionally abusive parents?

[VerlynWebbe]

I am curious about how you felt when you started changing the way you behaved towards them, and how you feel now?

I know there are a number of people on Mumsnet who have come to terms (or are in the process) with the fact that their parents aren’t able to love/respect them. I spent many years feeling bewildered as to why my father would not look at me and see a strong, thoughtful, moderately successful, hard-working and happy person. He would pick out character flaws (sometimes things I was worried about, but he didn’t know that) and focus on them, or invent scenarios where I was an awful person. Over the years, I have been useless, interfering, had my head in the clouds, been a fantasist, been lazy (as a sahm for a while…), useless again.

Something happened a few years ago with family, where I realised he doesn’t like any of us, actually, and he will never be different. At first, I was mortified that I hadn’t ever considered that he didn’t actually like me, when it was bleedin’ obvious. He said terrible things! I would go back over past things he’d said and done, and berate myself for not having seen it. I’d imagine how good things could have been for me if I had spotted this in my teens. And then I realised I did, in fact, consider it in my teens, I just didn’t believe it could be possible. I lied to myself for years.

Now I’ve come out the other side (I think?) and I feel quite calm about him. We aren’t estranged, but I don’t make too much effort to contact him, and he’s never used this against me, so I guess it’s fine. He rarely messages or calls me, and we see each other about once a year. I’m more adept at spotting his patterns of behaviour, and my responses to them, and I find it easy to manage.

But there’s still a sadness, isn’t there? And I know in my heart it’s not because of who I am inside, I know it’s him (he treats so many people this way) but I am still gutted when I remember things he said when I was a little girl. Is there ever an end point where you just feel fine?

I think my end point was hate with my DM rather than feeling fine.

I tried for decades to have a relationship with the selfish, self absorbed, cruel bitch. It never happened.

But with that hate came some sort of peace as well. It's encouraging that your DF will leave you alone.

Healing begins with you accept things for what they are and just get on with your own life and put your own needs first. It's them not you . Once I realised that it was a game changer for me .

@user1471538283 I suppose that's a peace of sorts. Yes he leaves me alone because I have no value to him! I no longer let him talk about himself endlessly, I just deflect if he tries that.

@BluebellGrace That's where I'm at, but I can't shift the wrongness of it, if that makes sense.

I don’t think it’s possible to stop wishing for better parents. I would like to call my father and share some real news, to actually connect, but I know it would
backfire. The man just can’t be rational. So I live by very firm boundaries and keep my life private and our rare conversations superficial

I am struggling with similar, tied in with my mother's death. The overwhelming sense of shame that none of us were ever good enough. Feel like I'm drowning.

The added complication is that my father wants to add an outsider to our family now. I know that he and she are bitching about us, sneering at us, putting us down. While I accepted that as the way our family worked, bringing a stranger into that is untenable.

If you find the solution, please let me know. Sorry not to be more help. I would like to find a resolution with my parent. At the moment he says everything is my fault, or even my late mother's. I just don't know how to move forward.

You said he leaves you alone because you have no value to him. How old is he and are you able to think ahead to possible scenarios where he would need you? If he becomes incapacitated through illness or just becoming elderly would you be pressured to help him? Will other family members pressure you to help him and guilt you into it thereby forcing you into contact with him?

It might be useful to consider how you will deal with these pressures, how you will maintain your boundaries and strength to keep saying no.

This, precisely. I'm sorry.

He has a wife, who is a little younger than him, and I don't expect to be doing those things for him. He would have to move to a city hours away from his rural home, so I don't think he would want to. I don't worry about this.

@Aldertrees I don't have a solution, I'm sorry. For me, the overwhelming shame was the beginning of the process of detaching myself. It took a really pivotal event where he was very, very unpleasant to me in front of one of my children for me to say to myself, enough. I wouldn't wish that on you (or on a child!) but it did help clarify.

I’m not sure where healing began for me. There was a time when something would happen in my life, good or bad and I’d want contact my family about it.

Recently I had a realisation that longing hadn’t happened in quite some time in spite of many “things” happening.

As the poster above said it was completely accepting things as they are that made things enormously better for me. My parents have serious issues and my family was seriously toxic growing up and my siblings, same as myself, have been harmed by that toxicity. My siblings are in complete denial about how bad things were and that suits my family’s narrative no end.

In a way we are going through a similar experience with DH’s family now. He is still trying to get things to some different place, still full of great ideas about how his family members “should” be and what they “should” do but people don’t live to other people’s “shoulds” do they?

I’m keeping my distance as best as possible.

I have had a successful career which I discussed less & less with my parents, just the odd outcome they are aware of.
The highlight was diverting after a major success to see my dad in hospital. Showed him a picture and he nastily said "how did you get that job" and it was meant to be cutting.

It totally liberated me. I sent my kind of flowers to the funeral with my kind of message, just a polite thank you, no love.

It also liberated me from my mum and brother. I have fairly firm boundaries now and rationally throw money to avoid contact time, which I decide. I'm honest when discussing with friends and my family, I don't sugarcoat it, just stick to almost third person statements.

I think my mum prefers an ostentatious gift to display than a family visit.

I refuse to join in with the subsequent deification which my mum & sibling express. This sort of nonsense makes me even more detached and less emotionally connected with them.

It's been a weird but liberating few years. I was never going to be the daughter they wanted.
It's also made me evaluate how I wish to relate to my kids and I think made me a better parent, hopefully I will respectfully be the mum they like and choose to love.

I also found my kids reaching teen years really interesting when reflecting on my teen memories.
Obviously my memories of younger years are based on photos and family stories but for teen years I'm a pretty reliable witness.

Thinking about what my parents chose to say to me and what I accepted as normal is pretty horrifying when faced with my own lovely teens.
I get a massive kick out of saying 'this is your home' never 'when your under my roof' or 'my house my rules'. I am literally sticking it to the man.

I’m in the process of going through this now. Living at home due to financial difficulties and I posted a few weeks ago about some of the things my parents have done, and was shocked by the responses on here that really opened my eyes up to how fucked up they are.

Now I can’t unsee. They were away for a week and I’ve realised how much happier and relaxed I am without them around and how every interaction with them is just horrible.

luckily I have a new job which means I can just about afford to move out and to be honest I can’t wait. It’s hard to imagine how right now but I just know my life will improve astronomically just by cutting them out. I will be going very LC when I leave.

When my parents deeply hurt a lovely couple when slagging me off. Their dd had died suddenly ( and completely preventably had a doctor done his job properly) a few years previously. This should have been a nice day for them, surrounded by people who loved them and my parents ruined it by loudly declaring what a scummy daughter I was.
Luckily never had to see them again apart from distantly at a couple of funerals. I didn’t attend either of theirs. Thankfully my DDs have no memories of them.

I'm so pleased you are healing.

My DM has dementia and needs me now. She is trying to be the loving mother but there is too much water under the bridge for that to ring true.

She lets the mask slip more and more and the Narcissist is clear to see behind it.

She will be dead soon and I will be free.

I have been estranged from my parents for over ten years. Properly estranged - they don't know where I live, haven't ever met my children etc.

For me it was similar - the few had been periods of temporary estrangement at points in my life, lasting a couple of years at most, but it never stuck until the time I actually realised that they didn't love me. And that I didn't love them.

It's obviously been years and my life is no worse off without them. I do think about them occasionally though and there will always be a sadness that things didn't work out, but honestly it's more like they are people I used to work with and didn't keep in touch with or something.

There will never be a reconciliation, it's fully over and that took a long time to process and accept though. There are people who like to act like people go NC with parents at the drop of a hat, but it's really a very sad and difficult thing. I'm generally a happy and well functioning person, but I'd be kidding myself if I said there weren't lasting implications for my self esteem and ability to form relationships. The alternative would have been much much worse though and I don't want them anywhere near my children.

That's one thing I do find odd with estrangements - people got NC with a parent for good reason but allow that parent to continue to have access to their children. If my parents aren't good enough for me, they sure as shit aren't good enough for my children. Although I will let my children make their own minds up when they are adults if they do want to make contact.

In short (bit late now!) it's a journey and not one anyone really wants to go on. But there is peace in making it and it can be very very freeing. Overall I'm relieved as much as anything else.

I had been low contact most my adult life but got frequently hoovered in with family dramas, my mum was a drunken nightmare and my dad was a weak enabler but also very manipulative.
My childhood was awful.
My mum became frail in later years and had become really unpleasant and demanding. It ended in an extinction event argument and I went NC with the family. My mum died 6 months ago, I felt nothing at all, no guilt or sadness, just relief. I didn't go to the funeral.
The last year of contact with my family was really triggering all my childhood anger and hurt, for me it was unhealthy.

Going through this now with my mother.

I never really had a relationship with my dad. My parents were married and we all lived together, but my dad was not interested in us kids. He was mostly just drunk, causing a nuisance and talked about himself a lot. I just saw him as an annoying man who lived in our house. I never craved his love or approval, just wanted him to go away. He's dead now. I wasn't sad and don't miss him.

My mum has always been actively emotionally abusive and cruel. Very controlling...interspersed the cruelness with occasional kindness in order to cause maximum suffering. I always wanted her to like me, but finally 30 years after leaving home I am accepting the reality that she actively hates me. I wish I accepted this sooner.

My life has been wrecked by her calculated, soul destroying cruelty and manipulation. I never want to see her again but I am racked with guilt about making her feel sad by my no contact. It's crazy isn't it?!

I never want to see her again but I am racked with guilt about making her feel sad by my no contact. It's crazy isn't it?!

@catnippy I don't think it's crazy, I think it's natural. It's because people really, really need that parental relationship, I think, and are conditioned to "know" that parents love their children. (And their grandchildren, as mentioned down thread.) You can go very far down the road of realising the truth, but that last bit is hard to accept!

This was me a few years ago, I'd try to make nice with my father and juggle all sorts to get visits in. Since I haven't done that, it hasn't even been an issue. He's not sad, he doesn't want it or need it. Last visit might as well not have happened, all he wanted was to tick a box saying 'I saw them'. He even said 'that's it for a while'. (I just thought, oh my god, yes it is.)

If you lessen your contact, you might find the same. I know some abusive parents use it as a weapon, though. My dad's weapon is to make sure we know he doesn't care or think about us, which admittedly is far easier than being mithered to do terrible visits so we can be abused. But it's only easier now that I accept he doesn't want a relationship with his daughter.

These are all such sad stories. Thank you to everyone who has shared. It seems often there's a catalyst for the realisation and then some residual sadness. I think I just have to carry on and focus on my own lovely family!

I reduced contact with my father 3yrs ago. I called him out on the bad way he had treated my sister during a difficult time for her. I said he should apologise to make things right and he said that wasn't going to happen (because he is never wrong). He said he would happily never to speak to me as I had dared to tell him to apologise. He said he had not spoken to me before and was happy to do it again (he did this before for 7 yrs during late teens/20's when he was navigating an affair and divorce).

I realised that the rest of my family turn a blind eye for a quiet life. I am the outspoken one. My mum (his ex) enables his narccisistic ways. It saddens and angers me that she is OK to see me cast aside. She would never call him out, even as an ex wife. I find this difficult to understand.

He is happy to also ignore my children - for me this is another strong signal of who he is and that I am better off with out him. Life is so short and he has been the cause of a lot of anxiety over the years.

I now avoid all family functions if he is going to be there and I never call him and he doesn't call me (never really did). At first I felt liberated but I think about this situation everyday now and you are right there is sadness but more discomfort of the whole situation. I wonder how things will be in the future. I worry he will live for a long time and this situation will take up too much of my life. Will I call him when he is near death? Would he call me if I was near death?

I can't stand my parents either. I'm NC with my bio dad for well over 20 years and also my sister who is incredibly toxic and immature who took pride in hurting me so badly years ago. My sister is NC with my dad and LC with my M. My bio dad refers to both his daughters as 'a pair of buggers'. He apparently sexually abused my sister but who knows what to believe at this point. My NM who is patronising and abusive and step dad who is rude and mean are also completely insufferable but I am LC with them. It does make me think I am the problem? I'm reaching breaking point with it all tbh. Think I was dropped from the sky by a stork as I can't stand any of them. I think regarding LC you've got to just set boundaries, which is easier said than done. Most weeks I have to endure NM and step dad visiting me and she talks endlessly about her health problems which I have heard a billion times already, drinks wine and then starts being abusive to me (and sometimes my son) and he just falls asleep on the sofa pretending to ignore it all.

we had a disastrous stay with my parents at their house last summer and it made me realise whatever I do or say will never be good enough for them.

my dad is a raging snob and only talks about himself. My mum has mental health issues and an eating disorder but this is never talked about!

so I have distanced myself and recently told him during a phone call that I was sick and tired of how he belittles my career and what he perceives as my lack of ambition.

i felt so much better afterwards and continue to keep my boundaries clear and I just don’t tell them anything other than the bare minimum about our lives.

How on earth do you cope with this? This is how I can see my life going. My NM has made me LPA without really asking me if it was okay with it, it was like an obligation. I feel like she's telling me to look after her in old age. Of course I signed the form because.. well, it would have been difficult not to. But I feel i've signed my life away. Knowing her, she's going to be like your NM and drop her mask and not give a sh1t and will spew her nastiness even more freely over me. She already views me with contempt. She has signed me up to a future of misery and keeps the 'will' hanging over me as she knows I will struggle financially in the future. I have been a single parent for many years and have a son with a lot of mental health difficulties. This is so far from the life anyone would have wanted, it feels like a sentance. How long has your mother got to live do you think? Such an awful situation

After many very toxic years mine moved away to start a new life abroad. It was a bit like 'bye then' and they were gone. At the time I was trauma bonded and upset also they weren't keeping up a relationship with their grandson who was pretty sad, just dumped him. My mum gave me an ultimatum, like it or lump it (we are busy inviting people to our new house to show them how posh and successful we are type thing) and then proceeded to love bomb my son, cards, clothes, toys, you name it.
That was around 15 years ago. Weirdly, or not my life started to really improve when they left. Suddenly I seemed to have increased self esteem. I kicked all the bad habits and my mental health, which had been terrible all my life, was vastly improved. I started doing things I would never have believed myself capable of! I have since become successful and generally happy in my life.

My mum found out I was becoming much better after she left and chose to believe and tell everyone my MH issues were because I had been attention seeking all my life (this was someone who drove round in a bright yellow porsche with pink hair etc etc etc) and decided this was a reason to be no contact with me although I wasn't keen either by then to be fair! It was all very twisted and manipulative, gaslighty. But yes really she did me a favour. You know the saying 'if you are feeling depressed, check that you aren't actually surrounded by arseholes'. She has spent the last 15 years calling everyone else in my family except me and asks them how I am. She used to send me flowers on my birthday (that I would stick in the bin) but this stopped once myself and my estranged father reconnected (she hates him). I just feel a bit sorry for her really and that's the way it's helped me heal, along with lots of therapy. I wouldn't let her back into my life but she keeps out of it anyway with her weird logic to keep herself going. If she really understood how awful she is I think she'd top herself so I am happy to take the flack (in her mind) because of course she's my mum and I love her for that reason only, so I try not to resent or be bitter. Just wish I'd understood, as a young person, I was being raised by a narc/psychopath.