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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having young children and no help - how does your relationship with DH/DP cope?

16 replies

sweetkitty · 04/04/2008 21:25

I'm asking as DP and I seem to be heading for a car crash in our relationship, he's not happy and I'm not happy and we desperately want to fix it.

I'm pregnant with number 3 and have really bad SPD/SI pain so in constant pain when I move, I am a SAHM with a 3yo and a 2yo and as you can imagine it's hard going so when DP appears I want to hand him the kids and relax.

He's recently been promoted to a high profile job that he's only just learning about. He's very stressed at work and after the kids are in bed most nights he does a bit of work as well. He's out the house 6-6.30pm so when he does come in he's shattered and has a shattered wife and 2 toddlers to deal with.

Another thing is we very rarely get an unbroken nights sleep, at least one of them wakes up and just needs resettled but some nights it's up to 6 x a night.

We have no outside help from family. They actually make things worse by coming to visit as it's more work and hassle for us.

We both feel we are great with the DCs but rubbish with each other. Is this the way it is with small children, how do others cope and still have time for each other? I really am at my wits end about this and it's tearing us apart, we are both getting so impatient with the DC as well then feeling really guilty about it. I knwo it's only going to get worse once the baby is here but if we could find some small solutions it might help a little.

OP posts:

LaidbackinEngland · 04/04/2008 21:30

Any chance of getting some paid help between 4-6.00 ?

Original poster

sweetkitty · 04/04/2008 21:34

I have no idea how to start looking for pain help. I think it will have to be something like this. DD1 goes to nursery every day 9-11.30am, DD2 will go from next Easter. I am thinking maybe sending them to a childminder a few hours a week I don't know, no one round here does that but they all have family close by that help them out.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetkitty · 04/04/2008 21:34

pain help - need that too I meant paid help.

OP posts:

Divastrop · 04/04/2008 21:34

personally,i would tackle the night time wakings first,as broken sleep (IMO)is awful and seems to make everything worse(i know i wouldnt be able to get through each day if i didnt know that all the dc would be in bed by 8pm and would stay there till 7am-ish unless they are ill/teething).im sure things would be better between you if you had some time together in the evenings?

Orinoco · 04/04/2008 21:37

Message withdrawn

CountTo10 · 04/04/2008 21:45

sweetkitty you're not alone!!! I think lots of us feel like this. We've just had our second and I echo a lot of your sentiments. i think when you have children you're so focused on them and making sure you're meeting their every need between you and your dp that you forget that you both have needs too!! It's about remembering that yo need a partner for yourself as well as a parent for your children. I agree re sorting the night waking especially with you being pg as tiredness helps nothing. If your dp has started a new stressful job then that's got to be hard for him and maybe he's feeling guilty about that as it means he's not around as much as he'd like which also can lead to biccers and picking etc. What we started doing was watching things on tv together that we liked in the evening - old shameless dvds, 24 that kind of thing so that even if it was only an hour, we'd spent some time doing something not related to home or family, something just for us as well as relaxed. Do you have any friends/family close by that could occasionally babysit to allow you a night out now and again as I think that's important to. Easy to forget there was a life before children!! Could you also consider a couple of mornings at a day care nursery if you can't find a childminder, you'd have to pay for it so not sure how it would suit but could give you a bit of a break to try and rest up and help you catch on sleep etc.

maisemor · 04/04/2008 22:04

You are definately not alone. Looking back at the first 2 years after our second child was born, I think we both just realised that we did love eachother but we just had to get through all these stupid fights over nothing, fights you only have because you are just so tired and fed up.

It really was a matter of just getting through first the day then the night. Getting in to a routine is the best, and find some way of teaching your children to sleep through the night. Our son still wakes once a night (he is 4 next Saturday), but it is usually around 5 or 6 am, we taught him that he can get up, go to the toilet and then come in to our bed and go back to sleep. Works for all of us. Especially when he crawls in gives me a cuddle and whispers "I love you mummy" .

I do think that as long as you both realise that you do love eachother, and the first couple of years are always going to be the roughest, then you will make it.

Original poster

sweetkitty · 04/04/2008 22:05

Thanks for the replies I know we are not alone in this so want to hear everyone elses experiences.

Night-time waking - erm don't know how to tackle this one. They don't usually wake first time until gone 1am so we do get a night together. When they do it's a Mummy whinge cry, it usually just involves going into their room putting the duvets back over and then they go straight back to sleep. But it's when it's several times a night thats the problem. How would I go about getting them to self settle at this age? I think some of it is bad dreams, getting cold, just waking up and being scared.

No friends or family willing to help out. Friends all have young children too and have family to help so can't do a babysitting circle they get it for free

I think the nursery or childminder route is the best idea, DD1's nursery is council run and only has referral places for children DD2's age. I could ask HV but didn't want to go down that route. Alternative it paying private but then thats 2 journeys which adds more stress. Will have a think.

OP posts:

jabuti · 04/04/2008 22:13

if you can afford it, outsource it! you need to pay someone to help you both.

besides nursery, will a cleaner reduce your chores?

maisemor · 04/04/2008 22:24

Can't you explain your situation to one of your friends, and tell them it would really help if you set up a monthly babysitting for eachother. Even if it just them helping you. I know you say that they get free babysitting, but if you were my friend I would be more than willing to help not expecting any babysitting in return.
Friends are there to help eachother.

Janni · 04/04/2008 22:49

My youngest is 3, so situation not as desperate, but know what you mean about stressed partner. I used to wonder about a Mother's Help, who would come in for those worst hours of the late afternoon/early evening?

I don't think it would be THAT expensive and it would REALLY help you

Anybody?

SpeckledHen · 04/04/2008 23:00

You sound so like me last year when I was pg with DC3. dd1 was 4 and dd2 was 2. It actually was better when ds was born. Newborns sleep such a lot and being pg was wearing me out more than I realised. When your 3 yo (like my dd1) goes to school things will get easier. Totally understand about family visits being more hassle. I feel as if I have a load more dcs when they are around. Not sure if I have said anything that helps - only that it will get better. Echo advice to get paid help whether nursery or cleaner or both if you can afford it. Maybe your dh has more pay now he has hadfa a promotion???

TheMadHouse · 04/04/2008 23:06

I have to echo everyone else. I had my two without any help at all and it nearly killed me and also our marriage.

In the end I snapped and we got some help.

DH got a cleaner in to do a large one off clean and then we kept her on for a weekly clean. I also got some assistance regarding the PND I was suffering with.

Saying this we have not had a night out together for over 2 years, but I make sure that we have a date night on a friday and we managed to crack the waking.

DS2 use to wake after 2pm every evening, sp for 3 weeks I went to bed with the boys and then pick up and put down once he woke.

A mothers help sounds great - or manybe an advert for rent a gran

MorocconOil · 04/04/2008 23:23

It's really,really difficult and I so know where you are coming from.

I agree with advice about getting someone to clean if you can afford it. This reduces the arguments over who has done the most/least.

I deal with the family by visitng them. They can usually cope with 2 nights max but at least that's 2 nights away from the drudgery of being at home. I don't get them to visit, as like you say it's more work. I visit my family without DH and then he gets a break and is usually very pleased to see us all again. This seems to help our relationship.

I usually go to bed early to catch up on my sleep.

We do go through rough patches, but seem to come through them. It helps to try and be realistic and accept that you are both tired, grumpy and will probably take it out on eachother.

Lots of people seem to split up when their DC are very young, which is the most stressful time. If you can try and ride the storm it seems to ease and get better. (I hope so anyway )

Divastrop · 04/04/2008 23:23

if you can get dd2 a nursery place then why not?my dd2 goes to nursery one morning a week which is funded by sure start(at the moment).

i dont know about the night waking.what happens if you just ignore them?it must be difficult to relax in the evening even if they dont wake till later.

slim22 · 04/04/2008 23:31

Mother's help to do the 4pm-7pm shift if you can afford it.

Or at least a couple of afternoons a week to entertain little ones while you get some sleep with baby.

Time is healer.

This is such a common situation with young families. Hang in there and try and nurture your couple. Learn to laugh things of and tell each other sweet things. This is just a phase.

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