Advice appreciated

[Unknown16]

I've never posted before, don't actually know if anybody is going to see this but I'd appreciate advice whether it's helpful or just support I don't know. I have been with my partner for 10 years, and the relationship has had its rough patches in the past and I do kick myself that I stayed through certain things but I digress. I had our son in 2019, 4 days after our son was born I lost my Nan who I was incredibly close to as she helped to bring me up when my dad died. I didn't feel a lot of support from my partner but I just thought being a first time dad was having its effects. However, January 2023 I lost my best friend of 20 years and again I felt so alone. It would be the same routine of me sorting the kids (I have a previous son from a relationship when I was young), cooking, cleaning, first one up and last one to bed and back at work 2 days after her death. Whilst he would come back from work and sit on his phone, not before asking what's for tea. I don't think I got a cuddle, he didn't ask how I was after the first day it was just like I had the one day to grieve her and that's it. Then just last week my grandad died unexpectedly and my world shattered. I've been struggling anyway the last year but this has had a massive effect on me due to everything else. He came home and asked if I wanted a takeaway so I don't have to cook, and the same thing of being a cook and maid. My manager has had more sympathy. I've explained multiple times how his actions are making me feel, or lack of anyway, and nothing changes in fact, it starts an argument because he says he doesn't know what's wrong with me and everything in life is my fault. He will most of the time just sit on his phone whilst I am speaking to him about things. Whilst I'm aware of the obvious I'm just so scared to start again and I'm really struggling with the grief. I'm 28, and I made the silly mistake of basically giving everything up to move into his house. Not only do I feel stupid, but I feel stuck. I'm on minimum wage and I work nights so I don't have the income to move out straight away. Has anyone been through anything like this that could just point me in the right direction? I don't want to bother anyone in my private life with it.

Talk to Women's Aid, ask for advice about leaving him. See your GP, explain the situation and ask for talking therapies (relationship issues, building self-esteem - not couples counselling!). Look for a local bereavement counsellor, sometimes available through churches. I'm sorry for your losses. You are very young and your happy future life is worth fighting for. You are not stupid, and little by little, over time, you will untangle whatever makes you 'stuck'.

First of all, I am sorry for your loss. That is tough to go through without support at home. I am so sorry.

Starting over is scary, but staying in a loveless relationship, as yours sounds like it is, is going to take so much out of you and your DC in the long run. Your DP clearly is not very switched on when it comes to your needs, and horribly rude by staying on his mobile scrolling while you attempt to bring up his lack of interest and care, says more than 1000 how he feels in general.

Have you looked at entitled2?

Spoken to work about day time hours?

Thankyou so much xx

Yes that sounds exactly right it's become a running joke within his family and friends about how he just does what he wants and doesn't care about me or the consequences and it's always laughed off. I was doing days at one point in a higher paying job but had to switch jobs with a pay decrease due to DPs job. It then turned into having to ring in sick quite often because he couldn't ever have the kids due to work and he'd storm out of the house so that I couldn't go to work (he is also self employed and chooses his own hours). I'd change days to when he didn't work or did half days and he would then do long hours on them days too. So nights became the only thing I could do and that's not without its issues. I know what me and my children are going to have to do and I think it just scares me right now x

Lovely, I know it sounds scary, but I do think you are going to have to be really brave and try to get away from this man, as he is giving you no meaningful support and, what I find most telling of all, when you try to raise it he takes no responsibility but in fact criticises you to try to make you feel bad about yourself.

It's impossible to make a relationship work with a man who consistently does this, and keep your sanity. (Believe me, I have tried for years, to my great cost).

You are young, you have your whole bright future ahead of you, and there are people who will make you feel better than this one does!

Just take it one step at a time though. Just start to lay your plans. No need to rush.

But you CAN do it.

I'm very sorry for your losses. That's an awful lot to go through in a short space of time, and the lack of support from your so called partner is truly appalling. I don't even know you and I wish I could give you a hug!

I know it feels scary now, and probably feels like you have a mountain to climb, especially whilst also dealing with grief. As others have said, take things in smaller steps. Perhaps your first priority should be to talk to a bereavement counsellor.

When you feel ready, perhaps ring citizens advice bureau, as you may be entitled to some benefits to support a low income.

You're still very young. I know what it's like to feel trapped in a situation at your age, and it can feel like your whole life is over. Having been out of that situation for some years now, I realise my perspective was skewed and I wasn't really as stuck as I felt. Please don't feel stupid. You can absolutely get through this.

The thing is if you leave, then you will be in control. It sounds like he is very unlikely to want to spend any time with his child so you won't have to wonder will he/won't he. You just make arrangements that work for you with an assumption of nothing from him and you will be able to make progress. You'll be free of his deliberate attempts to screw you over.