He doesn’t want our baby.. do I leave?

[Ladieunlucky]

Hi, just need some genuine kind advice.

A little back story, I’m 33 and my partner is 26 we have been together 3 years. We have a house together, dog and he is actively involved in my with my 15 year old daughter from a past relationship. He has a stable job and I work part time and also do a uni course. We always spoke about children and marriage and this is both something we knew we wanted in the future. We arnt particularly careful, and had the approach if it happened it happened

I got diagnosed with Bi polar at Christmas and have been taking medication and this is the wellest I’ve felt in a long time. Unfortunately I am facing a pending court case, we don’t know the out come yet but was a result of a manic episode. I don’t have a past history. Both of which he has been very supportive of, even though some mutual friends have stopped including me. You get the gist. I found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant and thought he would be happy, I’ve a bumpy past with pregnancies - abortion due to my mental health and 3 miscarriages. This is so far working out and I feel very well, despite my mental health.

Unfortunately my partner wasn’t as pleased as expected and after 4 days he sat me down and said I do not think I’m ready at 26 to have a child. I took some time to process this and spoke more. He said he thought he wanted this but in reality when it’s happened he doesn’t, he wants it in the future with me but not now. He is worried he will resent the child, and at 30 weeks pregnant or when the child is 6 months old he will reach a breaking point, pack his bags and go. He isn’t saying to have an abortion and says this is my choice, but that he can’t promise he will be involved. I said no doubt if I continued I’d have to live alone, do labour alone, and his family would want some involvement. I also said the child would ask at some point where thier dad is. The only reply he had to this was ‘not all children ask’. He says he wants more time doing us things such as travelling and he does want children in the future. He says he loves me and has been upset that this will mean the end of our relationship.

I have no idea what to do.. I’m not sure I can continue with this knowing I’m doing it alone and my mental heath. But I am almost 34 and time is against me. I’m starting to feel negative over this pregnancy where as I was happy to start with. I don’t know if to leave him and cut all ties. If he’s shown me his true colours and how hurtful this has been. I’m also wondering if deep down it’s just really me he doesn’t want to commit too. When I say my partner is usually kind and supportive, to being like this. It really has taken me by surprise.

Never, ever choose a man over a child.

Really tough to work through this. You have my deepest sympathies.

You should talk to your GP about your medication + pregnancy
Biopolar Disorder in Pregnancy: Understanding & Treatment (tommys.org)

Lamotrigine (medicinesinpregnancy.org) - need high dose folic acid.

Can't put it better than this.

If you want to have the baby and think you could cope alone then go for it. Either way it sounds like the relationship is over.

It's not an excuse but he's very young and he's only 11 year older than your child. It's shit but not a huge surprise that he's not feeling ready.

You can't make him be a parent but he still has responsibilities.

He's probably very worried about how having this baby will affect your mental health. Especially as it's been bad enough within the last year to get you in trouble with the law, and you still don't know the outcome from that. I think you should think seriously about this too. But ultimately this is your choice. You need to put yourself and your dd first and think about what's best for you both. Take advantage of any counselling offered. Best of luck

It sounds like you have a lot of stresses building up in your life. It's good that your bipolar is under control and I hope it stays that way. I've no advice on what to do about the baby but your bf could be having a wobble and it all feels suddenly real. It must have been very hurtful to hear him saying those things and I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same way as you.

What is the likely outcome of the court case, has your solicitor said what they think will happen? Could you face a custodial sentence? I accepted a conditional caution a few years ago and I was very unwell from the whole process it was the worst time of my life. Once it was given to me I felt a huge relief that it was all over and I could get on with my life. I can't imagine how the process would impact on someone who has a mental illness, I really hope you are okay!

Don’t try to factor the relationship into your decision. Odds are the relationship is dead. This is a man who is willing to abandon his child. Now that he has show himself, it will be hard to ever look at him the same way again.

Before you make a decision, it might be a good idea to talk to your doctor about pregnancy and your new diagnosis. First are there any issues with your current medications? Since you are of childbearing age it is likely this has already been addressed and you are ok, but you need to check this asap because sometimes they want to make some swaps. Second, given the diagnosis is recent, how will pregnancy impact your ability to learn to manage your condition?

once you have answers from your doctor, you can factor that in to the complications of likely doing this solo

If you decided not to go it alone, I think you should end it with your partner. You have both been quite irresponsible by not using contraception, especially when you've already had so many pregnancies that haven't worked out, you know you are fertile. You could have foreseen that with a court case this would be bad timing, also that the meds that were working, you might have to stop. Unfortunately he's showing how immature he still is, and just up for his jollies in the moment, and future faking to keep things sweet.
Now it's a choice of having the baby on your own, dealing with the court case on your own, and maybe coming off the meds that stabilise you, or having a termination. He's showing just how immature he is if he thinks that your relationship will just carry on as it always did after having aborted a pregnancy that you wanted, that ship has sailed, it will affect how you feel about him in future, rightly so. He's an immature arse, he's young, but should still have been capable of better than this.
Are you desperate for another baby for your own needs, or was it about sharing the experience with someone you thought would be all in? Only you can answer that. If your idea was to do it just within a relationship, how come no marriage first? Or did he feel too young for that too?

I’m not surprised he doesn’t feel ready – he’s very young, been saddled with a teen for presumably a number of years (how long have you been together? Did you bring a young 20-something into your daughter’s life when you were 30?), plus his partner facing a criminal conviction and mental health severe enough to cause serious problems – a huge mess and not a stable environment for a child.

That being said, he should never be having unprotected sex with someone if he isn’t sure he wants the result – a baby. So him just opting out of parenthood is beyond shit of him.

No one can or should tell you what to do, but I feel in this scenario, a termination might be best. You are coming off the back of a long, long line of regretful behaviour, you have a daughter to think of and now your relationship is most likely over. I think you owe it to yourself and your daughter to stabilise yourself.

I think you need to consider the pregnancy carefully.

As someone who had a child very young, I'm sure you're ready for another baby now. But you're really not running out of time at 33/34. To could easily find a partner who wants a baby in the next few years - granted, you might not want to be an older parent.

But consider the long term. If you're completely certain you can cope with a baby alone and have supportive family/friends, ok. If not, you need to be realistic.

Forget any prospect of being with this man. You don't have compatible life goals. There are younger men who want children - this one doesn't. He says 'not right now' but that could be anytime in the next 20 years for him.

Three things ,

He's young and your mental health . He's probably worried about the responsibility of you become unwell again .
The court case , you don't say what it's for or the impact it may have on family life .

I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time OP. I think you would be eligible to go under the perinatal mental health team - your GP or current mental health team can refer you? They usually accept after the first scan (12 weeks) but could give advice before that if you’re on medication (don’t stop anything suddenly). They are the experts regarding bipolar and pregnancy, medication and support. It sounds like you’re going through a really stressful time.
I’d say deep breaths, be kind to yourself and think things through. Many many mothers with bipolar have a successful pregnancy and good relationship with their child, if that’s what you want to do xxxx

I think you should let him go. It’s too much to ask of him: an unplanned baby when he wanted to have more life experience and fun first (not unreasonable for a 26 year old); your mental health difficulties; your impending court case; your teenager; your financial status compared to his which suggests he will be expected to support you financially.

He sounds like a good guy. He was willing to take all that on, even though it was already a lot for a 26 year old (who should be having a lot more commitment free fun, IMO), but the unplanned pregnancy has tipped him over the edge.

Set him free to travel and build his career and enjoy his 20s unfettered.

It’s interesting that when he talks about the baby he doesn’t say he’s concerned about you and the impact it might have in your mh, he only talks about himself, about how he feels, about how he might struggle, how he might resent it and how he might leave.

I think you have your answer right there to be honest. He sounds very selfish. It’s all me, me, me. I personally wouldn’t choose that over a baby.

There are some big issues going on. Your mental health and the court case are important. Could the pregnancy affect your mental health? Can you still take your medication? Will the court case affect your life could there be a sentence. These factors could be huge for your partner and yourself. I presume he is saying now is not the right time? He may be right but your post doesn’t give enough details.

Failing to prevent pregnancy when you've just been diagnosed with a serious MH condition and you're waiting for a court hearing with possible sentencing on the cards (?) is foolish. He's really young (I'm surprised you didn't foresee that he might not be ready for kids when you are!) and sounds like a selfish dick for not using contraception TBH. I realise you want another baby but it's so clearly not a good time to have one, for your own sake. That's a separate issue to the future of the relationship.

Hi, no advice regarding continuing the pregnancy, it’s a very personal decision. But regarding being pregnant with bipolar…. You will get a special mental
health midwife. They will support you 121. A psychiatric obstetrician will handle your pregnancy as well. You can safely take quetiapine whilst pregnant as well. It can be done with support and medication… don’t let that put you off. But again, it’s a decision only you can make and I agree with a previous poster… seperate the pregnancy from your relationship. This is 100% about YOU right now. Sending hugs.

I don't think this is a good time for you to have another baby and he's not wrong to realise that. This is pressure that older men could crack under. You could spend a significant period of time in hospital afterwards.

I couldn't agree more. Why pursue a relationship with such a young man? He needed time to be young and carefree not bogged down with your passed baggage. It was selfish of you to do that to him. However now he knows he has got his own child on his way, he has realised what he has given up being with you and is not ready for the reality. I think you just need to make the best of it on your own, and steer clear of young boys in future.

This!!

My ex fiancé who was 7 years younger than me made me abort a pregnancy under similar circumstances. I was 33. We later tried for a baby and I couldn’t fall pregnant. He cheated on me for a younger woman his age. I’ve met a new partner since but not been able to have another child, I already have a 13yr old, so like you was fertile. It appears that is no longer the case now I’m 38

Get rid of him, keep your baby, it is your miracle, made of you. Dump the loser, he IS a loser.

He can't get you pregnant and then change his mind. A baby isn't a pair of shoes you can return if you change your mind.

An abortion is a serious matter and should only ever be done if the WOMAN wants one. She should never be forced into it because of a disgraceful manchild.

It is actually a huge disrespect to you personally and your rite of passage into motherhood.

Congratulations on your pregnancy op

Also! Many women are misdiagnosed with BPD when it turns out to be neurodiversity. Have you been screened?

Do you in your heart of hearts feel you can cope, bearing in mind

1. Your mental health
2. The upcoming court appearance
3. coping with the sadness resulting from the end of your relationship.
4. Financially, can you cope with 2 children alone?
5. Facing pregnancy & possibly birth alone?, unsure of what family support you have.

its a lot OP, and probably more that I haven’t included. I’m trying to be realistic, sorry if it comes across as pessimistic. I feel for you. Sending the best of best wishes.

TBH, I think you need to consider what a pregnancy would do to your mental health, along with a relationship breakdown.
There are many factors, including tiredness that can really upset how well you are mentally.
If you can do it alone, have a good support network and want this baby, then continue.

But regardless of whether you have this baby or not, I think that your relationship is over.

Ultimately, whatever you choose to do, I cannot see how you will get past this situation. I had a baby just over 13 weeks ago, and my husband was like a cold fish the entire pregnancy, didn't really want anything to do with any of it, however changed when baby was born.
The damage was already done, the betrayal from him during my pregnancy I couldn't see past, to add insult to injury, he never booked his vasectomy which just made me think of him as an irresponsible prick.

For him to put you in a position that you are carrying a baby that he doesn't want is pretty shitty.