Feel down the list of priorities from my fiancee

[Andyls]

Hi All,

First of all we have a 18 month old and a 4 year old. I have a problem I just don't feel valued by my partner and feel I'm way down her list of priorities after work and tv shows.

I just don't feel like I'm getting enough of out the relationship and it making me unhappy.

We have sex once a month but I always have to ask for it, ideally I'd like it a few times a week. But it annoys me when she's too tired for sex but not tired enough to watch movies on netflix or scroll through her phone till 10pm.

I don't feel like I can rely on her or trust her to put the effort into our relationship.

We are engaged but I wouldn't marry her because of this.

I'm finding because she isn't putting the effort in it's me who's putting more effort in and I'm just not getting anything back in return emotionally or physically. Am I expecting too much?

Before kids we had a really active sex life and I'm not expecting the same as it was but just feel down the list of priorities considering how happy it would make me as if she's rather watch eastenders than make me happy.

Do you both work?
who does the bulk of the childcare?

I work full time she works 3 days a week.

And who looks after the kids, does housework etc?

so OP what your basically saying is you want your DP to have sex she doesnt really want to make you happy

rather watch eastenders than make me happy

much to think about. Do you make her happy? Who does the bulk of the childcare? Who has to think about morning and night routines, bath time, making sure there’s clean clothes? Who manages breakfast, lunch, dinner, food prep, grocery? Who manages the household budget? Who cleans the loo and kitchen? Who changes bed sheets and hangs out washing? Who sweeps and hoovers? Who gets out of bed when kids are crying? Who handles discipline when kids are screaming?

Have you any idea the toll it takes on a woman's body and brain , having children.
She's scrolling on her phone ,to have her thoughts to herself
She's touched out ,by the constant grabbing of her body by her children
Then there's you , demanding your pound of flesh , demanding access to her body ..with your attitude of ,your not getting enough sex so you won't marry her .
Dear god ...be thankful she's managing to have sex once a month
Do you not realise your life has changed ,you have two children,you are her are solely responsible for ...sex isn't on her mind ,her children are ..
I hope you don't marry her ,as she needs a real man ,one who understands the changes and sacrifices a woman goes through to birth and care for children
Away with your whining,and start being grateful that she stays with you

When you say you are putting effort in what do you mean? Could you describe more what that involves?

That's a big list of what you want and what she doesn't do there OP. How about what she wants and what you don't do? I bet those lists are far longer. And do her a favour, if you want to hold her to ransom over sex by withholding marriage, then you might as well just fuck off, because quite frankly that's really shitty behaviour and she's better off without you.

Give us a list of the all the jobs you do around the house and details of your parenting input and we'll see if we can figure out why your partner can't be bothered to initiate sex with you more frequently.

(Thank goodness my DH isn't a selfish arsehole!)

I call reverse.
Unless the OP really is so shockingly clueless.

I'm also interested to know what you putting effort in looks like to you.

Also you should listen to this https://www.dontbuyherflowers.com/podcast/the-dont-buy-her-flowers-podcast-ep-020/
There's another episode with the same guest about sex and relationships after kids which is also excellent.

We are engaged but I wouldn't marry her because of this.
You've had two children with her, so you are committed to a relationship of some kind with her for at least the next 17 years or so. You've already made a greater commitment than marriage. So the main effect of refusing to marry would be to put your children's mother in a more vulnerable position if you break up. Have you thought this through carefully?

TBH I suspect this poor woman is better off not being married to him, because from his post , all he's bothered about is getting his end away and it seems to me he has absolutely no concern for her wellbeing at all. Not once has he said he loves her.
OP where's your list of what YOU do around the house and parenting of YOUR small children? What do YOU do to help your P less drained and exhausted and demanded upon, and more loved, cared about and cherished?
Not much I bet, because if you did, you'd fully understand why watching films and soaps or scrolling on a phone is her way of relaxing or even escaping. You sound very self-absorbed and concerned with your own base urges. I'd say you feeling sorry for yourself because your not getting your leg over as much as you want means that for her, sex has now become just another thing on the long list of stuff that others want HER to do for THEM! Just another chore to be done for someone else and at the end of a long demanding day when she's worn out! For me as a woman, there's nothing more of a passion killer that this sort of treatment from a man! Grow up , roll your sleeves up and start doing things for HER, and YOUR children, rather than sulking about what you want HER to do for YOU!

I’m a woman with a one year and five year old and I’d be very unhappy with a reluctant shag once a month.

I think it’s a bit unfair on OP for everyone to jump in and say he’s not doing enough when we have no idea of that yet.
When women post on here saying that they don’t feel they get enough sex/physical intimacy, they are not bombarded with replies telling them that their husband/partner must be exhausted working 5 days a week as well as doing their share of parenting and helping around the house and that she should back off and leave him alone.

Yes it may help OP to hear a woman’s perspective on how tiring things can be, but a lot of assumptions have been made.

OP I don’t think it’s right to say you wouldn’t marry her while things are this way, however, it is fair to say that if you’re unhappy in your relationship and working on it but she’s not, then you are considering whether you have a future together

I think this, I can't believe any guy would be so stupid as to come on here and moan he's not getting his end away enough when there's two under 4s. But then again...🙄