Argument just escalated with DH

[teenboymom]

I don't know what's happened with DH lately.

I suppose every few years we go through a rough patch. Could last a few weeks, nothing long term. Then everything is fine again, I would say this is pretty normal in relationships.

We do get on well in general but something has shifted with us. Dh had an accident a year ago and needed surgery on leg. Our work balance changed. He was earning less so I worked more hours to make up for this. Anyway he is back now but has put on weight and prob not feeling his best. Also has a few health issues and has a scan this week so this could be playing a part in the shift this week.

He is just after freaking at me. Dc are in bed asleep, dh came to bed and couldn't find charger, thought one of the dc had taken it so went into their room. Then started ranting in room 'why do people rob my fucking charger all the time' I called in from our room to be quiet and he just flipped at me! Telling me to shut the fuck up every time I spoke. It escalated then and he was saying he just speaking to me the way I do him. I really don't, of course I do get angry at times and say things I don't mean but in general I would say I'm very relaxed to live with. I'm no angel and can get feisty when I'm angry, there's no doubt about that but I just feel this has come from no where. I can't take his mood swings. We had a fight yesterday literally over clothes washing. Again it came out of no where.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if we need counselling. I feel we do. I'm not blaming it all on dh, i play a part too. But I feel his mood swings play a big part. Even the dc say they prefer when is just me as all he does is nag. Again I'm very relaxed and don't mean to play good cop/bad cop but when he is not here, he house is more chill because there's no one ranting and moaning. He does have good attributes too, he's very hands on with dc and loves them but he is from a strict upbringing so this is normal for him.

Anyway, sorry I just stormed off down to couch and can't sleep so my rants are prob all over the place.

Can anyone recommend a good book about relationships and communication?

Normal is a dangerous word. It may well be normal for you. It may even be normal for a lot of other people. Normal doesn't mean you should accept it. Indeed, by accepting it you are normalising it.

Stop focusing on "normal". Focus on what you are prepared to accept/tolerate both for yourself and your children. Why are you accepting periods of abusive behaviour?

Counselling would be a good idea, but only if for yourself alone. Couples counselling in an abusive relationship is a bad idea.

The best book you could read is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's not the book you think you need but it is the book you need.

I don’t think you need marriage counselling, I think your DH needs 1:1 counselling to process his accident and the knock on effects on his life. His trauma is affecting all his relationships, it isn’t the relationship between the two of you that is the problem. I say this as someone who also went through an accident and months after is when it hit I could have died or been paralysed and I needed counselling for me as I was not in a good place.

Sorry when I say accident, I mean an accident at football it wasn't anything traumatic. I think him slowing down and putting on weight etc knocked him. But he has always done this. It's not just since accident.

I don't want to paint the picture that I am innocent here and it's one sided. When these fight start, I get shouty too. I'll curse and tell him to shut up aswell.

He says that I don't accept criticism. So we had a chat after the last bad patch a few months ago and he said I never just accept when he tells me I do something wrong. I can see this trait in me. I find it hard to accept what I did was wrong and apologise or not even say sorry but just say ok and take it on board. So this is what brought on this bad patch, I was running late for school the other morning and couldn't find my son's uniform jumper. Dh was in work on nights and I went to washing machine thinking he might have put it in wash, I half pulled the wash out onto floor of utility in search of it, but never put it back in. I planned on putting it out on line once kids were gone.
So he comes in from work sees this as I'm cooking my breakfast, he asked from the utility (which is down hall from kitchen and back door is open so neighbours could hear) I said no I'm going to to put it out shortly, he starts ranting a bit to himself and I raised my voice and said 'Jesus I'm going to hang it out, it's no big deal' or something along those lines then he starts saying come here for a minute but I was cooking and also I suppose a bit stubborn and wouldn't walk to him. I said come here I'm cooking , he wouldn't come and it escalated into a row with him saying I can't take criticism and I'm embarrassing shouting through house to him (he was afraid of neighbours hearing)

So since yesterday morning (Monday), he's been up and down with me, cold shoulder etc so when I shouted in tonight for him to be quiet ranting in dcs rooms it went from 0-100.

Jesus when I type it it just sounds so bad...I know of course an abusive person would make me feel the one in wrong but he's really adamant that I'm wrong for not taking criticism. I let myself down by how I react in the argument I suppose but why should I just accept his 'criticism' just to avoid argument. I was going to hang the bloody clothes out and I did!!!

Sorry I realise from my OP that I gave impression this is new with DH since his surgery. It's not new but something has shifted in him and he won't even apologise and the mood swings are more frequent.

When I think of it it was worse anytime we have extra stress in our lives.

I know all abusees say this but he has many good points this is just every few months he will get into this form. The argument will be started by something I have done then goes on for a few days until I usually come to him and say we need to talk. We will discuss, we wont apologise but will move on making effort not to let it happen again.

@WalkingThroughTreacle I will read the book. I'm looking for clarity on it all. I know all women deny it's abuse but it doesn't feel like abuse all the time. I feel responsible too