My husbands creepy cousin...and uncle

[Kaciehall06]

It all started when I started dating my now husband in 2015. He was battling drug addiction and had went to a rehab center for 4 months. While he was gone, I went to his family gatherings (I was always friends with his sister and she was my boss at the time) I met his cousin at a fourth of July party. He was nice, told me how he was a police officer for a major city nearby, etc.. Later that evening when I was going home the cousin asked if it was ok to message me on Facebook messenger because he wanted to know how my boyfriend was doing (cousin has been through this and is 10 years sober) I didn’t see anything wrong that. He messaged me, began asking questions about my boyfriend and what rehab center he was staying at. Harmless conversation. He then out of nowhere says “you know what helps with recovery? “sex.” I laughed at the message because I didn’t know really what to say. He then starts blowing me up saying stuff like “I would have sex with you all the time, and all day today I wish I had Xray vision so I can see what you look like underneath your clothes.” I ended the conversation, and said nothing back. The next day I showed my boyfriends sister (which is also the dudes cousin too) and she was pissed about it. I didn’t see him until months later around thanksgiving.. I kept my distance the best I could but one time when I went down the hall to the bathroom he stopped me from closing the door and came in, shutting the door half way behind him. I asked what he was doing and then heard someone coming up the stairs and he walked out quickly. It scared me. Christmas came, and he would “accidently” swing and his hand would slap my butt and he would apologize. I over heard him and his dad talk about how my butt looked good at easter. One time in the pool he swam under the water near me and stroked my leg. It wasn’t until after my husband was about 6 months sober that I told him what was happening. I didn’t want to cause stress and problems with his family and I wanted him to focus on his sobriety. After I told him, we stopped going to family gatherings where we knew his cousin will be. We got married 4 years ago and everything is going great, except when it comes to his family. My husband told his mom everything the cousin has done. Why we don’t come to certain gatherings anymore, why we ask who’s coming over at the pool before coming, ect. His mom was mad but then says “That’s just how he is, and you shouldn’t stop living your life because of him.” My husband told her that we do not want to be around him, so we will not be around if he’s here. The cousin knows everybody in the family knows about it, but he has not apologized to me or my husband. We have not been on a family vacation with my husbands family since being together because they always invite him. We feel like his family chooses the cousin over their own son and daughter in law and we have voiced to his mom on how it makes us feel. She told us she wasn’t choosing him and that the next family vacation will not be with the creepy cousin…but of course we just found out they are planning one soon because my husbands dad let it slip. We have been over a few times where they have lied and told us it was only going to be us and then find out his cousin is on the way. And we have left. The cousins dad (which is my husbands uncle) is a freaking creep as well. He tries to kiss me on the lips when he greets and says bye to me and he ALWAYS squeezes and picks me up and tells me how of a beautiful petite woman I am…ugh
The only event we have been to where he was there was for my husbands sisters wedding. However, my husbands parents anniversary is coming up and they are having a huge party so he will be there..but then my husbands sister is planning a birthday party for their mom and of course they are having it at the creepy cousins parents house. SMH. I’m just so tired of having to constantly worry about this. Should I just give up and not care about my feelings and get over it? I hate missing stuff, But I have been sexually assaulted in the past before and when I see him, It gives me anxiety and brings back those feelings. I feel sick to my stomach the whole time I know hes in the same room as me. We are just so angry with his parents and sisters because I know if the situation was reversed and it happened to them, they would not allow that person in their life.

For God's sake grow a spine and get him told!

Tell him loudly, in front of everyone that he is being inappropriate and sleazy and to fuck off.

If he touches you after you've told him not to, bloody deck him. I can't believe your DH hasn't already tbh!

In the nicest possible way, I think you really need to go for therapy.
You are occupying a victim mentality, that i worry, is making you a target here.
I say this as a someone who has also suffered, and with kindness.
Stand up for yourself, I know- easier said than done but with the right therapy, reading, outlook, you can do this!
You are looking towards your husband, his parents, everyone else to stand up for you...
as though you judge your worth from their reaction. Don't do this.
Be your own hero, assert yourself xx
Also- I would not go out with anyone who had addiction problems and his family don't sound very nice. Raise the bar.. what do they say, if you lie in the gutter, you sleep with dogs? Something like that. You can do much better, ditch and upgrade x

I would be inclined to ditch his family. There's no reason in the world you need to go anywhere where there's a risk of being assaulted.

I’m not sure how to reply to just one person, so hopefully I’m doing this right.

I have been to therapy. Several times. At the time though, I couldn’t afford it so I didn’t go long the first time. The second time, it did help some. The thing I get really upset about is his family is not understanding when it comes to this. I have “forgave” the cousin without his apology, but I do not want to be around him. I love myself enough to not be around people who do not bring me happiness. My husband understands this and agrees. I just feel bad because we don’t go to a lot of family get togethers because of this. My husband hasn’t been on a family vacation with his family because his parents and sisters invite the cousin. I encourage him that he can still go, but he doesn’t want to be around him either. We both feel like they choose him for us. As far as being someone with addiction issues..my husband has been sober for almost 9 years and even though our relationship was really hard at first, it has become the most beautiful relationship I have ever been in. We both found god, and love each other very much.

This. Loud and clear.

This is when you make a boundary and uphold it. Resolve that you will not be around toxic people, and your husband's family are all toxic. They are all complicit in this man's abuse. You don't want these people in your life.

This is terrible. I’m glad your husband supports you.
I would be thinking of going no contact with husband parents and sister unless they make a stand and cut off contact with the creepy cousin.

We both feel like they choose him for us

That's exactly what they've done OP and, sad though it is for you and DH, the only thing you can do now is accept that and distance yourselves further. I'm sorry this has happened to you and can imagine you feel some (very misplaced) guilt/responsibility because it's hurting your DH but none of this is your fault, the cousin is a predator (along with his father by the sound of it) and the rest of the family are enablers, you're both better off without them.

Are you American? You struggle to be blunt at times I think as you are used to complementing in this culture. However he is being as creepy as fuck and needs shaming. Your husband needs to grow a pair too!

Tell your in laws one last time you will not be going anywhere creepy cousin or uncle are. Then they are choosing them over you , you will know where you stand once and for all. I’ll bet you that you are not the only one he does this to.

We have told them multiple times. And anytime they ask us to come over and hang out my husband makes a point to ask who will all be there. One time they lied to us and we left. That hasn’t happened again but we always make a point to ask now before just assuming.

Luckily we haven’t been around him expect my husbands sisters wedding in a while. (Don’t really want to make a scene there) My husband didn’t know about all of this until the last time his cousin was inappropriate with me. He has tried to call and text him with no response back. He knows what he did was wrong and has never once apologized. Even if he did I wouldn’t want to be around him still.

I do feel bad..I sat down with my husband after we found out they planned and paid for another “big family vacation” without their own son. AGAIN. It’s like..is he ever going to be able to go on a vacation with them ever again? They are both 70 already and his dad has liver disease.

Its really difficult not to feel bad, I get that completely, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you didn't start this chain of events and you are not responsible for other people's reaction to it. Families tend to be very invested in protecting the facade that sleazy men like this are 'harmless', simply because that's easier than dealing with their behaviour, and it's surprising what they will sacrifice in order to achieve that. Sadly in this case they've chosen to sacrifice their relationship with DH/you rather than having the decency/courage to call him out and that's their fault, not yours.

Maybe it would help if you and DH made a more blanket/final decision about family holidays and get togethers, maybe you just decide in advance of any invites that the answer will be no and then at least you save yourselves the constant 'will he be there?' dilemma? If you want to maintain relationships with any of DH's family maybe move to making specific plans with just them, invite them to you or plan events yourselves so you're in control of who comes?

I just think if you (and DH) could reframe it in your own minds so that you feel in control of any contact with them it might make it easier for you both. There's no getting away from the fact that his entire family have massively let you both down though and that will take time to come to terms with, sometimes it's the people we least expect who disappoint us the most

Trust me...If I could go back in time I definitely would have. After experiencing sexual assault before all of this, I think I chose to shut down rather than speaking out about it. We haven't been around him expect my husbands sisters wedding in the last 2-3 years. My husband didn't know anything about this until the last he was inappropriate with me. He has tried to call and text him with no response. So we choose to just not be present when he will be there.

I'd be fucked if some creep was stopping me seeing my family. This is a minor issue - go to gatherings! If he is a twat, loudly tell him he is being a fucking creepy bastard and not to touch you. Don't hush it up - call him out!

We have got in the habit of anytime they invite us to come over, we ask who all will be there. They know why we ask too. One time they lied to us and told us it would just be immediate family and then an hour after we got there to see my father in law for fathers day they were like "cousin is on the way here..." so we made an excuse to leave. Next time that happens my husband has agreed to flat out tell them why we are leaving. Even though, it probably won't do any good.

We don't do thanksgiving with them anymore because they invite him, and like I said, we have NEVER been on a "family vacation" with my husbands parents since 2015. Who calls it a family vacation and not invite or have their own son there? Luckily the last time I've seen him was 2 years ago at my sister in laws wedding. We kept our distance from him the entire time and we left earlier than most people. You know what else is terrible? My husbands family (parents, other sibling and their spouses all sat together along with the creepy cousin and his parents) while we sat at a table with a group of people we didn't know from the grooms side.

Its extremely hurtful and I feel like not even trying with them anymore.

If you can't speak out due to trauma why the hell isn't your DH doing it for you?! He's supposed to be your partner! Mine would not be calling or texting him. He'd be on his doorstep telling him to keep his bloody hands off his wife if he wants to keep them.

Fuck me, you and your DH sound like absolute doormats. Why can't you tell this creep to fuck off?

Your husband needs to ask why they are choosing the cousin over him, they can’t deny that’s what they’re doing. If they try to play dumb he needs to be crystal clear: You will never consciously attend an event he will be at (and no that isn’t an invitation for them to be sneaky and get you there under false pretences by lying or lying through omission - you will just leave, as you did before!)

By inviting the cousin they are preventing you both from attending family events. It sounds like the mother does at least acknowledge he is doing something inappropriate - but is asking you to accept it! Would she accept this behaviour directed at a child?! That’s a really creepy and worrying response “that’s just the way he is”, perhaps she doesn’t believe you.

Regardless, she knows your stance and needs to explain why she (as do the others) is preventing you accepting invitations by continuing to invite him. It doesn’t sound like they’re even willing to compromise by not asking him to a few things. Maybe they don’t want to risk causing a rift or confrontation but they are alienating their own son and his wife.

They owe him and you an explanation.

Oh my gosh, how awful. I’d be so furious if I were in a family that made excuses for a sexual predator and kept inviting him! It is disgusting that they continue to look the other way.
if you ever feel strong and feisty enough, think about starting to go to the gatherings, and being very prepared to interact with him.
I know you’re putting yourself in some danger by doing so- so this advice comes with a lot of caution , to be very prepared. To present a United front with your husband, and call the creep out the second he sets one foot out of line.
call him out loudly. Make a scene.
same with the disgusting man who lifts you up. “Take your hands off me,” “put me down,” “this is not appropriate”

learn some lines and practice them.

this advice is coming from someone who lives with ptsd, and the healing really began for me when I stopped freezing and started speaking back to predatory men without fear of “making a scene.” But it was SO hard. And it did come after years of therapy, and yet there are still some times I freeze/fawn.

I think having a United front with your husband might be a step toward stopping this bullshit.

but it’s really, really difficult to do, and easy to say “just speak up,” because our whole body can fight us when we’re in a situation that brings back those helpless feelings.

so be kind to yourself if you’re not there yet. These fuckers should not be allowed to run around and terrorize women, and yet they do, and everyone looking the other way makes me sick. It’s so common.

a very sad part of this is - it’s so hard to keep respecting a family that allows this. It’s so hard, isn’t it? And yet they are showing you who they are. It might just be that they are too weak to stand up to these men, so they’re allowing creeps and predators to be the company they keep.

I am glad your husband is strong in this, and agrees with you about staying away. That makes a huge difference.

My husband has straight asked his mom why they choose him over us. She responded with "Oh honey, I'm not.." He snapped back and told her that yes, you are. That was last year. Luckily we haven't had to run into him and we have been staying away from certain things we know for sure he will be.

He is going to sit down with his mom and dad this time and express our concerns again. Maybe it will get it through to them this time...I don't know :(