How do I get over it?

[Nothingsurprisesmeanymoree]

Just that really I’ll try not make this too long.
My ex cheated, he was emotionally abusive, gaslight me for over a year about the cheating. Left after Christmas abruptly no warning we were dancing in the kitchen the night before with our girls then he said he needed space, blocked me for a few months it was rough. He also said when he left that he had cheated and there was more I didn’t know but he would also go back in his word and say he didn’t say that etc which was a head fuck.

i think he gave me the script. It was all I love you but not in love with you and he never once spoke to me or talked to me before he left. Just straight away blocked then wanted us to be friends for the sake of our kids.

its been brutal we were together nearly decade. The kids still want him home and every night when I put them to bed they say they miss him and can he come back home. This is what breaks me.

Its also bitter sweet that he has stopped his addictions and genuinely looks like he is bettering himself.

How do I move on? I know he treated me so badly but seeing my kids suffer like this and him seeming to have made these big changes is hard.

I feel stuck whilst I’m sure he is seeing someone else he keeps wanting to pop over and do family days. I have said no to the above as I think it will be worse for the kids in the long run to do days together etc

just want advice and other people’s experiences who have been through similar.

Grey rock op, you can't heal whilst he still has a foot in the door. I'm sorry this happened to you, cheating sucks.

Don't do the days out and the having him round thing.

I did that with my exH and looking back I regret it now. It helped him hugely of course because it made him feel a lot less guilty and he could have his cake and eat it - family time when it suited him, younger girlfriend waiting for him at home.

I didn't realise it at the time, because I felt so crap anyway, but it just made me feel worse and have very confused feelings. And I think it wasn't great for the kids really although they did find the initial transition of him moving out easier because of it.

Don't let him have his family days and don't let him "oop over", make him take proper responsibility for his kids and have them on his own.

It's time to set some boundaries with him. And be sure to agree how long either of you need to be with someone else before that person is introduced to your children. Sadly, your gut instincts about someone else are likely to be correct.

I just want to scream. He dropped the girls off and was going to help secure a fish tank stand to the wall etc and he sits down and my eldest who’s almost 6 goes when are you coming back and he just goes I’m working on myself and she goes but you are nicer to mummy now can’t you come home and he says I still got to work on myself. She goes so after that then you can come home and he just made a noise to that and she goes yayyyy! He then leaves and I have to sit down with her and explain he doesn’t live here no more and that’s how it will be.

i hate him for leaving me to pic up the pieces. He thinks we can go on holiday together and all sorts he has no idea how confusing that would be it’s like he trying to ease his guilt. I’m so tired by it all.

I know how you feel.
My kids were a bit older than yours I think so they could see it more for what it was and didn't want him back living in the house; he used to work away a lot so they didn't notice a huge difference during the week and then he was round at weekends (stupid, stupid me).

We did a holiday just after we first split because we had it booked anyway. I thought it would be OK but I found it absolutely hideous and hated every minute of it.

The whole coming over and dipping in and out is something you do need to stop him doing. It isn't fair on you and he is being really unfair on your kids by leading them on like that - as if it's just his bloody decision if he comes back and you are just sitting there waiting for him. The cheek of him!

My exH drank a lot the whole time we were together (and before I met him) and throughout the kids childhood. He stopped after he left which really irritated me. He stopped for himself but didn't ever stop for his kids.

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him if you can or write it down if you can't.
Set your boundaries.
He isn't to come to the house unless invited by you for some reason (e.g. a birthday celebration) or to pick up the kids.
If he is coming round (because you have said he can) he needs to text when he is on the way and ring the doorbell - no using of his keys anymore.
He needs to have his kids on set days/set times.
He needs to pay you maintenance.

He has made the choice to leave. And now the shit gets real and he has to accept the consequences.

Good luck! You can do this!

I agree with the other advice, cut communication as much as possible and don’t do the family days.

Be cordial as coparents but that’s it.