I left - why can't i tell him it's over?!

[french0pen]

After a rocky 5 year marriage (longer relationship before this) I left H (under the guise of going to look after a sick family member but essentially i just felt like i had to get out of our situation and i hadn't successfully managed to leave him before), and i have been away for about a month now. At first H seemed to accept this and didnt question anything, so didnt give me much aggro, he also doesn't really call or text much so somehow i have been able to keep this mirage up - but also it has enabled me to find a house for me and dc which I have rented in my own name, i have found dc a school where they are quite happy having tried it for a couple of weeks, i have even found a car for myself which i can afford, i have cried my tears and enlisted lots of family support, and i am financially ok/work being supportive. DC do not miss and barely have mentioned H. This doesnt surprise me because for much of their life he has been a sulky, argumentative presence who tells off a lot. Anyway, everything is in place for me and dc to get the keys to the house tomorrow and i am going to look at the car tomorrow as well. All our stuff is obviously back at the house, which is a plane ride away so involves some packing and shipping, and so I know i need to tell H it is over and make arrangements to go and do that with or without dc. We can't keep living out of a suitcase and i don't want to keep buying new stuff when we have the old.

He has started up sending me nasty texts as he obviously wants to know what is going on. And I know i am being a coward but with the benefit of a months distance i am clearly able to see what the situation was. He is emotionally volatile and punishes with sulking and nasty words both in front of and not in front of dc, he immerses himself in gaming and has never planned a holiday, a day out, never cleaned the toilet/done laundry/watered the plants - he has walked out on us and theatened divorce only to renege several times, he is passive aggressive and uses guilt to control me. Basically i knew when i left, and have been proved since leaving, that there is no love left and our marriage was not a loving one. I know about emotional abuse and it has taken me a while to see myself as a victim of that. I put my all into the marriage for years and only really stopped trying last year because I was so lonely, frustrated and had become accustomed to walking on eggshells so much that I became very depressed which led to me nearly losing my job. I should have left properly ages ago but i didn't, and it is what it is.

But why - WHY- can't I just tell H it is over and we are not coming back? Why can't i just tell him the truth? I never used to be like this. I'm afraid of his anger, weirdly afraid of hurting him, I feel so guilty and I am worried he will kick off and take our joint savings/money and put me through the courts to get it, but equally i am worried to take half the joint money now in case that kicks him off and he throws out all our stuff, or gives me verbal abuse, or refuses to divorce.... It's crazy because he presents as a mild person a lot of the time but I feel like i have no ability to say it's over even though all my actions have made that the reality, I have literally built a new secret life and it is all ready, I am not going back. So why am I so scared to do this one thing??

Probably because you have instincts and know it's dangerous. It's always dangerous to tell an abusive man you are leaving.

Not as dangerous as remaining with them long term of course.

Also, I think its probably an element of compulsive thought. Meaning, you know it would be so easy to decide to just stay with him. You don't want to do it. But your terrified if you see him it'll be like a moth to a flame. Maybe because you think the devil you know is better than the unknown. You know you 'just could' stay.

Plus you know that even if he doesn't pose a physical threat. He will make it a bloody horrible visit.

Trying to pull a knife out of a wound might be something you need to do...but it'll hurt like a bitch. And it could still kill you, so there's that.

I'd advise you don't go back there.

Just dont go. Its only stuff.

You're out now, you're safe. Your kids are safe. That's not worth jeopardising for stuff. Get some sleeping bags and go camping in the living room with the kids. They won't care. They'll just be glad to be away from him too.

Maybe send a relative to try collect your things if you need.

And going forwards, make sure to be clear with your kids that you left him because he wasn't nice and we don't stay with people who treat us like that. Yhat we don't tolerate bullies. And focus on teaching your children to pull their weight with household chores too. Make sure the boys know they need to do their share in relationships.

Well done on getting away!
Stay away.

He has never hit me/been physical and i have never been scared of him in that way, but what he has done for years is get angry quickly, sulk for hours/days, send nasty texts, get angry if i contradict him on something and then ruin holidays or nice days or occasions, tell me our marriage is shit and i am a shit wife, etc. It never seemed enough to be 'abuse' and i am only getting it now i have been out and the relationship feels like it is in the past. DC really want some of the stuff and tbh some of it is very sentimental to me, jewellery from my grandmother, books i have treasured my whole life. Even beloved DCat who i picked out at a shelter and who loves me so much. I want to just leave that life behind but its obviously unfinished business, I HAVE to talk to him. He cant hurt me from a distance (except financially i guess.) The accounts are in both our names, savings and cash, a lawyer has said 50/50 would be normal, I do want my half of the money and basically thats it (we dont own property), should i transfer the money then tell him? My biggest fear is obviously him taking it all if i don't. But also, all household bills are in my name, i have to transfer all that to him, it's such a mess. I cannot be honest and communicative with him anymore and cannot imagine sorting all that out with him.

First and foremost get your share of the money into your accounts. ASAP before he realises you've gone and drains them. Today! Now! Seriously asap!!!

The bill companies you can phone and say you're moving out and they'll need to contact the new home owner about future billing.

Everything you've described from him is abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Tell your children no.
Unfortunately a life lesson we all have to learn is we cannot get everything we want. We don't learn that lesson...amd we might turn out to be assholes like your ex.

As for the jewelry, request it in the divorce settlement. The kids stuff can be on that too tbf.

You're going to have to be tough going forwards. But you can do that.

As for physical violence, there are no guarantees. You know he is volatile and nasty. Volatile and nasty people don't like to be left. So take no chances.

Well done for getting away. Take a breath because that's the hard part done. Is there anyone who can mediate and negotiate with him on your behalf?

Do you have keys to your old house so you could rent a van and turn up when he's at work to get your stuff and transfer money the same day?

Any members of your family to go with you to get your stuff?

Seriously though get your share of the money safe asap. If he drains those accounts, you probably aren't getting that money back.

I agree, put your share in a separate bank account before you tell him anything. Will that create an alert on his phone?

If you want to go over and pick up your stuff then I would make sure you take someone with you who doesn't leave your side the entire time.

If you live a plane ride away, will you just be able to take the dc that far?

I wouldn't take them with you if you go back to collect things, in case he refuses to let them go.

Did gou move kids away from the country they were born or grew up for certain time in? (basing it on plane ride away).

As great aa it REALLY is you left a man who was no good for you and your kids, you really need to make aure you are legally sound, not a paremtal kidnapping situation here, so you can stay where you are and make happy life.

No it is within the UK, @WantToMakeWorldSilkySmooth . So legally sound.

Not much advice but maybe ask the police to be present when you go back to collect your belongings x

To clarify are you saying your children are in a new school and he doesn't know? The children have lied to him too?

If I remember rightly, he's not the father of your child is he OP?

I would make up a story about your family member taking a turn for the worse and you need to collect a few more bits. Take a family member with you or get a trusted local friend to help.

Does he work? If so, you should go when you know he won't be home. Get those sentimental items.

When you are safely away, if he hasn't already taken the money, take half of it and then you will be in a position to tell him you're not coming back.

Get your half of the joint money before you tell him. Legally it is yours.
Legally he cannot refuse a divorce if you are in England/ Wales as it's now no fault.

Your children are growing so their clothes from home won't fit soon so buy new anyway.
Furniture can be got from Charity shops etc.

So what is actually at home that you need?

Oh.... and congratulations on escaping!! That takes a lot of courage

If it was me I'd take half the joint savings / current account money and write off the "stuff". Tell him it is over by text, then ask him to contact you only via a specific email address (only check it once per week) to discuss what happens next. Then block his number so he can't harass you. Don't go back to the US (I may have you confused with another poster so maybe your xH is not in US) to deal with stuff. Absolutely don't take the kids back... he may prevent you from leaving with them.

Divorce can come later once you are feeling stronger. It is a priority to tell him and to access whatever assets you can from a distance (fairly). Do not take everything - just your half.

This!

Does he work? ie will he be out during the day so the house will be empty? Or even evening if he has football or something so you know he'll be away out?

If so, id aim to get in and retrieve my stuff one day while dc is at school (or with friend or grandparents / have them primed to collect after school if daytime)

Do you have a neighbour friend that can be trusted? If so - and only if she won't say anything - you could ring her half an hour before you get there on the day only, not prior, to ask has he left? If he drives to work and the car is gone she'll know he's out. And then you can get in safely.

Id take a friend with me. Defo not dc. Make sure you know where the cat carrier is to take dcat. If it's in the attic I and you need help make sure you've got help. Or buy a new cat carrier prior.

Meanwhile just now id tell him relative took a turn for the worst and you'll be back next weekend and could he pick you up from the airport once you book the flight.

That will allay any suspicion. Make him think you'll be back. Calm him down.

Empty your half of the joint account the same day as you get your stuff after you've got it.

Leave a letter for him if you want. But be careful what you write so nothing can be used against you.

Be careful. They can turn when they realise their whipping boy is leaving.

After you have left you can phone or text to confirm you've left him.

Good luck.

@AnnieSF dc have not wanted to speak to him and he has only called for them once - yes, once. I havent asked them to lie. They do understand the situation as things were so tense at home for quite a long time and they are excited to build a new life with just me, tbh I am shocked at how well they have taken it.

I think @Elieza has given you very good advice, think very carefully how you act, you know him better than anyone on here, primarily protect yourself, there is no sense in putting yourself in the firing line of his temper, you need to protect yourself.
Good Luck

Presumably he's worked out you have left him already.... with the nasty texts. I'd just fly back and wait until you know he will be out of the house. Get the absolute essentials that you can't live without and leave the rest behind for now. Then leave fly back and tell him. He can move the money in your joint accounts or spend it and there's nothing you can do so before you tell him I would move half of that too. Just before you tell him