Red flags

[CM97]

So 6 weeks ago I was dumped by someone I'd been seeing for almost a year. I thought we were great, with hindsight he was a gaslighting, controlling narcissist. So I'm in therapy, healing, and keen to move on and find a new relationship. I'm 53 so time isn't on my side!!

Looking back there were red flags right from the start but I ignored them.
Any advice for next time?

Listen, pause, reflect and slow down. I had a phone call with a potential date the other day. They did nothing but speak about themselves and what they owned.
So upon reflection I decided not for me. A person will always project what they are. Learn the art of listening.

First off, get rid of this 'time isn't on my side' idea. Because that's nonsense. You've nothing but time. I mean men come and go, chances are you'll meet several nice men and have several nice relationships over the next what, 30 years or so.

It's not like you have to rush into anything long term for the sake of having kids (not that people should do that anyway). You have literally no reason to need to rush into a relationship.

And even if you find yourself in a good one, soon: Even good relationships have a sell by date ultimately so it's not likely to be a forever thing. And that's not a bad thing because it allows us to be single at points in our life when we need to do a bit of growing and changing anadventuring g and shoring up our boundaries as a single person.

Get rid of the fairytale idea of men being some happy ever after. YOU are your happy ever after. Men are just added spice and some good company. And if and when that stops, you boot them out and move on.

Secondly, stay single and don't date for at least 18 months after an abusive relationship. Maybe we could say 12 considering you didn't register the abuse till the end so, hopefully, bounced back a little quicker emotionally. But you still have a great deal of work to do. Firstly, on how to spot an abuser. And for you personally, it sounds like you need to learn to enjoy your own company again. That way, being single won't bother you and it'll be easier to walk away if red flags in men start showing.

Be happy alone first. Then you can find someone good to be happy with.

@Pinkbonbon that's really good advice thank you. I definitely am looking for my "happy ever after". That's what I was sold in my last relationship, to the extent it blinded me from seeing the reality. I have always wanted that and still do.

Yeh the thing is, 'happy' isn't a perminant place or a forever destination. I think we chase it like it's some sort of ending.

But it's more like when one chapter ends, the next one begins. And there's no knowing if it's going to be a happy one or not.

But if we keep the binding, us, healthy, then we can experience happiness as is comes and try to flip over the unhappy chapters as often as possible :)

Fang handle being told no or you feel you can't say it to them

Everyone of their exes has been the problem

Lots of jobs went wrong - he's been so unlucky!

Bad relationship with parents and hasn't done therapy to heal this

Lack of close friends - pretends it's because they have a tight circle and don't do small talk etc

Too much too soon. 'Love bombing' showing you with praise until they've got to know you

Future faking - talking too much too soon about the future you'll have together - they're creating a fantasy that you won't live up to but you'll get blamed for

Doesn't see kids much if at all but it's all the exes fault apparently

Can't * handle

Pa it's natural to want to fairy tail
But don't hold your breath for Prince Charming he might take his time and still be going through his divorce or maybe he'll become a widow next year. In the meantime pour into yourself and treat yourself wonderfully so you can show your next man how you expect to be treated with nothing less than that love and respect

There is no happy ever after with men in relationships when dating in your 50s.
You can and should make yourself happy with friends, family and activities, social stuff.
Red flags;
If he says "All my exes were crazy and controlling"
He speaks badly of the mother of his kids or an ex wife. "She bled me dry etc etc"
If he left a long marriage to 'be happier in himself'
His kids don't have time for him or are estranged.
If he has no assets, house job or pension.
If he prioritises pubbing and drinking.

Definitely see the failed relationship as a way of learning what you don't want next time, he was controlling, so next time, it's a green flag if give they give you space and respect your opinions. Don't let your initial feelings get carried away, really observe their actions are deserving of your time and don't be afraid of ending it sooner to the ones that don't seem to respect you or treat you nicely. Speaking from experience when I've hung around too long for the wrong one!
It can take time to heal and move on, don't rush it but always have hope and be optimistic.

"Looking back there were red flags right from the start but I ignored them.
Any advice for next time?"

I think you'll naturally be more cautious next time. It's very easy to turn a blind eye to and downplay stuff that bothers you if you're feeling a bit lonely and unlovable.

Thanks for all of the advice... there is a theme that I need to find happiness in myself and not expect the fairy tale. This is hard, I've always wanted the fairy tale since I was a child. So how do I find happiness on my own? I think I was happy before I met my ex, but completely lost myself in the relationship. I now just feel sad, with nothing to look forward to other than getting old, working, and being alone. 😔

How about an adventure?

I mean I think its more tempting to chase a fairytale person thinking it'll rescue us from our lives...instead of just asking, what is it about our lives we want rescued from?

For example... embarrassing story incoming, I went to see my idol on stage in a city (I guess that counts as chasing a Prince, right?). And although I initially went for that, I ended up falling in love with the city itself...and also, with the feeling of being alive again rather than just...existing in a slump of every day repetition.

So I quit my job and sold my place and decided I was going to shake things up and go on an adventure. And there's been lots of ups and downs. I literally had part of my dream shattered due to circumstances and felt so much pain from it. Frankly, I don't know how things are going to go, even now. But I'm still so glad I took the leap. Because even if everything I want doesn't come to pass - I feel alive chasing new adventures. Ive been reminded of what life can be. And I know now, I can pick myself up even when the world floors me. And start over. And find joy in something new.

I have a couple of new ideas for places and things to do and see and I can't wait.

So I'm not recommending you do anything drastic like I did to shake things up but...you should go on an adventure! Solo travel is great for showing us who we are and what we are capable of. For making us feel alive.

And if thats not an option - consider a new hobby or two. And, get out and about as much as possible solo. Try new things, push yourself. Do something that scares you! You never know what will spark your joy again. But, you don't need a man for happiness. And you don't need to settle for every day monotony.

Also, getting out and about doing physical stuff gets us out of our own head! Which is always useful. Doesn't have to be anything intense like mountain climbing lol. Just train journeys or something. Using our skills and learning what we are capable of and who we are outside of that little box of who we are supposed to be in our every day life, that we thought was who we were because we've played that part for so long.

This could be the guy I've recently finished with. Absolutely identical!