Need Help/Insight, International Breakup after Almost 3 Years, No Serious Issues

[coffeeandpsyches]

Hi everyone,
In a nushell: I'm 32, met my boyfriend (now ex) when I was 29 and he was 40. We were together for 2.7 years until we very recently broke up. After about a year of long distance I relocated to Europe from the U.S to be with him. He is not perfect, but is an extremely successful entrepreneur and family oriented/trustworthy/just overall one of the best people I know.
From the beginning, there were moments (and we both felt this) that things felt a tad "off." NOT ever about him, I never had any doubts about him, and he says the same thing about me, but almost like there was a heaviness in the air sometimes. At the same time, when I met him it was like we had already known each other on the most fundamental level. We love each other deeply, I am certain of that.
After I moved I became more insecure in the relationship. I know some of it was me, and some of it was definitely him. However, his actions were always there, the words not so much. There is also a cultural difference here, he's Portuguese, I'm American. While I had my doubts also, I was pushing the relationship forward. In the last couple of months he was dealing with extreme stress at work and blamed it on thatlater though he said he was feeling overwhelmed and anxious because of the doubts that we would be happy together long term. He said his only doubt was that "off" feelinglike sometimes we don't have much to talk about, or when we just have different opinions/views on things. Our personalities are quite different and we process emotions very differently. But again, this relationship was by the far the healthiest we had ever been in. We had also never become this serious with anyone before. He was wishy/washy towards the end but ultimately said he had to do it b/c he felt it was the right decision, though I know he wasn't sure about it.
My question is: has anyone been through anything similar? I have yet to come across a reason for a breakup that was like mine. For some context also, we were at the precipice of kids/marriage.
I didn't realize how happy I was with him and in Europe until it was ripped away. I desperately want him and my life back.
thank you.

To clarify, when I say off I don't mean bad necessarily...it is the hardest thing to describe. Maybe more like awkward/not quite sure/almost like we were concerned about the same thing/the other person.

Sorry for your break up, these things are always hard. I hope sorting out the practical details isn't too hard? Are you planning to continue staying in Europe or Portugal?

Unfortunately I'm not sure you can recover this situation - if he's made his decision, then I don't think there's a lot you can do.

Especially if you aren't married, the worry is you talk him into getting back together, you hang around for another year or so as his girlfriend - but he still doesn't want to take the final step of marriage.

Then you're stuck in limbo as you're in a sunk-cost fallacy (or even worse you break up and then he finds someone to marry straight after you've wasted another year).

I think a lot of relationships are like this

The guy or woman just doesn't see the other person as their "forever person" -although they have loads of good attributes and connection, that final piece of the jigsaw puzzle isn't there.

This is probably why he's wanted to break things off as he knows how serious you are and he doesn't want to waste your time or string you along.

I'd try to move on - if you're 32 and cosmopolitan and well-travelled I expect you have loads of options for socialising and meeting new men.- don't waste time on doing this, especially if you definitely want children.

Yes, it was the final jigsaw piece I think for both of us. At the same time, how do you define this? Because we also had a feeling, I think I can speak for both of us, that we were meant to be together and had that undefinable thing/chemistry/connection that felt very deep and like it didn’t have to be discussed. So what is that final thing that makes you sure of someone? Especially when both partners are afraid/never committed to anyone in the past in such a serious way?

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time.

Marriage and family is a big commitment and it's not uncommon for people to pull away when faced with taking the next step. I have seen it a number of times with men in their 40s who are just too comfortable and used to their single lifestyles. 'A heaviness in the air' is an odd description, can you give examples of behaviours or situations?

Focus on yourself and look after yourself. It's not easy but you'll get through it and everything happens for a reason

Breakups are hard especially when you thought you were in it for the long haul.

This relationship is over so I'm not sure how much good it does to analyse beyond a certain point.

If you want to stay in Europe, work out how you can do so. Otherwise crack on with building the next stage of your life.

He has always wanted a family. Actually when we met, I was the one who was not sure if I wanted children and I had only one other relationship that paled in comparison to this one. Neither of us had ever lived with anyone before.
It is very hard to describe. Almost like a trepidation with both of us. Sometimes we wouldn't always have amazing conversations over dinner or if we were doing something together, but I don't think we necessarily ran out of things to talk about. More like a lack of spontaneity in conversation sometimes?
I know everyone will tell me to move on. I am trying my best. But when I say I literally can't yet, it is the truth. It is the oddest feeling. Even though I know it is extremely unlikely to change, there's a part of me deep down that feels it somehow will. It's a battle between my heart and mind. I know it's probably denial but I just can't shake the feeling something will happen in the next few months.

I don't think that final piece is something you can force or change unfortunately - I'm sure you know some men who are very eligible, attractive guys but you just don't see them as "someone you'd formally commit to for the rest of your life".

Marriage is a different league from partnership, especially if he's quite a traditional guy.

Especially if he's doing well financially and childfree and is a good catch, he probably knows he's got choices and can wait it out for a bit and there will be other women for him. This probably isn't something he'd tell you directly though so as not to hurt your feelings.

International relationships can and do work. However, there's also a lot of subtle issues and problems and nuances that can be hidden in the language or cultural gap, or in long-distances.

Perhaps because things were ok on the surface, or you were busy integrating into a new country you missed these.

Have you got friends or family or a social group for support? Or a career to focus on? It will take time to heal if you've been living together. Can you start no-contact for a while?

Presumably you will have to come to decisions about location.

Perhaps you can find a compromise where you heal and put your life in a bit of a holding pattern, before making any big decisions. Don't contact your ex, just get on with day-to-day stuff.

You've got so many life opportunities and decent single guys available at your age - please don't spend ages worrying about changing the mind of your ex (as tempting as it is to overanalyse).