Hot and cold

[Tiddlesem]

So this is a pattern happening with a relatively new friendship whereby this person can go from being very interested and eager to being distant and seemingly moody. It's complicated as our children are good friends and young so require us to arrange meets up and playdates etc.
I will say she has been more hot than cold but has been cold enough that it causes anxiety for me and unsure of when she will go cold again. I also do not many friendships at all as I have been hurt badly in past. I am not needy and generally follow their lead in terms of meeting up etc.

What I am starting to realise is that this is not a new experience for me. I experience this same dynamic with my 2 closest relationships being my partner of nearly 10 years and my sister who i consider to be the closes person to me apart from partner. My partner can have days when he is very moody, distant and cold and my sister has gone through phases where she disappears for months no contact and then appears as if nothing happened.

So is this something to do with me?? It causes me huge anxiety. I have generally tried to be compassionate and tell myself that it could be down to several factors..tiredness, busyness, introvert, depression. The worst is when it happens with my partner as its so uncomfortable but he will deny anything is wrong and say its tiredness.

For context my father was emotionally unavailable and my mother died when I was young so not sure if this plays a part. I have low self esteem and self worth so believe I settle and hold onto relationships that are less than ideal. Like I should just be grateful for the good parts.

Wondering if anyone could relate to this?

As far as the new friendship is concerned, if I were you, I'd file that under 'parent of my child's friend' rather than as 'my friend'. They blow hot and cold, can be moody. Not someone you need in your life. It's perfectly possible to be civil and friendly to the parents of your child's friends. You don't have to spend time with them and be friends too.

In any case, over time your child will end friendships, make new friends, gather more friends.... you can't be friends with all their parents, and it's often better to keep a distance.

It's great if you want to make friends, but you can choose who that's with, and don't need to invest your time and energy into someone who's already showing to be unreliable and to cause you anxiety.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound as though you are 'causing' the bad behaviour ofyour DP and sister. You can't force another person to be moody or to go off the radar for months at a time. It sounds as though you've just been unlucky (you didn't get to choose your sister). In the case of your partner, has he always been this way? And if so, why did you decide to stay with him?

I suspect there is a part of you that thinks you don't deserve better. That thinks if someone wants to be your friend, you have to be their friend. That thinks if someone suggests a meet-up, you have to go even if you don't want to. That thinks if someone is moody and distant, you have to put up with it, even blaming yourself for it.

You aren't responsible for other people's moods or actions. You are resonsible for your own, and for knowing your worth, and avoiding people who aren't good for you.

With regard to your penultimate paragraph - have you considered having therapy to help deal with your low self esteem?

You have a right to consistent behaviour from the people in your life (kids excepted, of course). As a one-off, someone turning moody and distant with no explanation might be forgivable. If it is a pattern, it's unhealthy, and in a partner, it's emotionally abusive. A partner does owe you an explanation if they're upset or dealing with something difficult, it's not okay to freeze you out and leave you wondering what's going on. As for your sister, I would distance myself from her, explaining you're not there to be simply picked up and dropped again as it suits her. Your friend, she's not one. I'd keep things very cool and formal.

The bit about your dad is hugely relevant here. You are carrying this emotion into your adult life but I'm sure it all stems from his treatment of you. The people in your life may be moody, but the thing you can take control of is how you react to that. You can work (possibly via therapy) on not taking it so personally - it's not your fault, it's their problem not yours. Honestly, if someone in my life seems to be in a bad mood and I don't feel I've done anything wrong I just think "oh well!".

Btw the above applies to friends and family, not your partner. If your partner is being a moody arse then that's a different thing.

@perfectcolourfound I agree with what you're saying about keeping the other mom as just that, I was actually trying to do that and remain civil but I kept getting kind of drawn back in and feeling as though maybe it was more than just our children being friends and could be a possible friendship forging. I'm probably quite lonely really and happy to have someone show interest in me as a friend.
There is definitely an element of I should just be grateful for what I get as I don't deserve anything more really. In therapy for a few months now addressing a lot of this.

@Littlestminnow I agree about the behaviour from my partner. I have spoken to him often about it. There's no rhyme or reason and does feel very controlling. Don't know why I'm staying really maybe because when things are good they are good and he's a good partner and father. He helps me a lot and is quite caring.

@OmuraWhale I have actually been working on this and telling myself it's about them and not me. Working on self compassion as I don't have any for myself. I used to always think what is wrong with me that people treat me this way and it obviously goes back to why did my father not care about me.