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Original poster

Overnights with baby - splitting up twins

29 replies

Augustlion · 20/05/2024 20:54

Hi
i recently split up with my partner and have 10month old twins. I’ve moved back to my parents 1.5hr away.
i drive to my ex around once every two weeks so he can see the kids (all he’s asked so far). He doesn’t drive (can but doesn’t have a car). As I’m on mat leave. I’ve said if he wants to see the kids I’m happy to bring them. He’s asked to have them overnight but one twin is breastfed. He says the non-breastfed twin can stay with him but I have refused. They’ve never been split up before. when is he likely to be allowed overnights if taken to court? Would they allow
for them to be split up?
thanks

OP posts:
TheCultureHusks · 20/05/2024 20:58

Hmm. My instinct is to say no, I don’t think splitting them up is a good road to go down in that I’d be very wary of setting that up as a pattern.

He can’t have them overnight for now if so, but as long as that is workable for you I’d say it’s a case of - they’re twins, you always have them together and so should he, so you can have time out and/or plan your life on shared care. Not shared care for him but actually full time 100% care of at least one baby for you.

I’d say no for now.

megadreamer8 · 20/05/2024 20:59

I personally wouldn't split them up if that is how you feel. They are both his children and he should wait until he can have them both together, when you're done breastfeeding I guess. That's my opinion anyway. Day visits until you feel comfortable. It would be more ideal if he travelled to you too sometimes, even by train if he won't get a car, although if you are happy driving there every time then that is down to you. Keep them together!

Dadjoke007 · 20/05/2024 22:15

Express and give him a few bottles?

Original poster
Augustlion · 20/05/2024 22:31

@Dadjoke007 Baby doesn't take bottles

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 20/05/2024 22:32

Hard no from me xx

Floralnomad · 20/05/2024 22:33

Can the baby drink out of a sippy cup ? I don’t think splitting them is the way to go at all .

Bing123 · 20/05/2024 22:34

I wouldn't either, might be rather unsettling for baby - plus why are you doing all of the driving?

RagzRebooted · 20/05/2024 22:36

Augustlion · 20/05/2024 22:31

@Dadjoke007 Baby doesn't take bottles

At 10 months aren't they eating solids and able to drink from a sippy cup? It's been a while since mine were babies, so I may be wrong there but surely a night away from you at this stage is manageable with planning and possibly some baby-training.

Original poster
Augustlion · 20/05/2024 22:39

@Augustlion my boy is, but they were very premature and my girl is still smaller and not yet interested in solids

OP posts:
Original poster
Augustlion · 20/05/2024 22:40

Sorry, @RagzRebooted my boy is, but they were very premature and my girl is still smaller and not yet interested in solids

OP posts:
anicecuppateaa · 20/05/2024 22:40

Nope. I wouldn’t be doing this. I had one bottle fed and one bf twin, and no chance I would split them overnight.

Original poster
Augustlion · 20/05/2024 22:43

Bing123 · 20/05/2024 22:34

I wouldn't either, might be rather unsettling for baby - plus why are you doing all of the driving?

Edited

@Bing123 i said I would because I’m on maternity leave, and ex only has a company van. I have told him there’s nothing stopping him from coming here in reality

OP posts:
AloeVerity · 20/05/2024 22:44

No to splitting them, no to driving. The end.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2024 22:46

I don't think you and the babies should be doing all the long drives I think he should be doing at least half the travel (I know it's 'fair' for you to do it as you moved, but why should the children be stuck in the car? Can't he get a lift from someone?)

I also don't think the twins should be split- their first night away from you will be very hard for them anyway, let alone without each other for support.

What's his reason for wanting overnights now? How is that in their best interest?

Original poster
Augustlion · 20/05/2024 22:53

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2024 22:46

I don't think you and the babies should be doing all the long drives I think he should be doing at least half the travel (I know it's 'fair' for you to do it as you moved, but why should the children be stuck in the car? Can't he get a lift from someone?)

I also don't think the twins should be split- their first night away from you will be very hard for them anyway, let alone without each other for support.

What's his reason for wanting overnights now? How is that in their best interest?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum he’s asking now because he’s unhappy he only gets to see them 3-4 hrs at a time. I’ve made it as long as I can,considering their routine and travelling so they sleep in the car during nap times but not too close to bedtime. I also drop them off and have to find something to do whilst they’re there which is why that’s the max as I’m bored shitless

OP posts:
LizzieBennett73 · 20/05/2024 22:55

He sounds like he wants everything on his terms. Why should your babies be in the car for 3 hours each round trip when he could put himself out?!

You sound like you're trying too hard to pacify him. Talk to a solicitor and see where you stand legally, but I would be extremely reluctant to separate them at this age. And it will set a precedent.

ChaosAndCrumbs · 20/05/2024 22:56

RagzRebooted · 20/05/2024 22:36

At 10 months aren't they eating solids and able to drink from a sippy cup? It's been a while since mine were babies, so I may be wrong there but surely a night away from you at this stage is manageable with planning and possibly some baby-training.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t think so. It’s not for a few hours, it’s overnight. Most 10 months old still comfort feed at bedtime. Mine wouldn’t have been ok with an overnight - a late night, yes, but not me not being there at all. It’s still at least 50% of their intake at that age. Many babies still nurse 12 times a day - and yes, you can make it through about a day and feed them throughout the night when home, but this isn’t really that situation.

Seems harsh to baby train, start expressing and teach them to take bottles all so ex-partner can have them immediately overnight instead of in a years time.

PennyPugwash · 20/05/2024 22:57

I have twins also.
I would absolutely not split them up at this age.

Opentooffers · 20/05/2024 22:57

I'll also add, that although it might seem doable now as on mat leave, once you are back at work, the last thing you will want to be doing is spending your precious days off driving up and down motorways. I did it, until the 1 day I had off at the weekend ( as I work shifts)I got stuck for hours due to an accident. Made me realise, what the actual f**k was I doing. If Dad's want to see their DC's, it's up to them to arrange transport. In his case that either means buying, hiring or borrowing a car, or using public transport. It's really not your job to enable his visits, it's his problem. I hope he at least gives you petrol money.
You should give him fair warning that the status quo with visits will not continue once you are back at work and he should expect to have to arrange his own transportation.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2024 22:59

So, if he travels to you, he could take them out to park etc then take them back for a milk feed then take them out to lunch then he gets longer. Tbh the twin who breastfeeds will do less and less as they get over one and will be less essential in the daytime and they'll start to drink from cups (aren't they already? You could pump a bit when they're out with dad so you don't get sore and then give the expressed milk in a cup or mix it with their food. Especially to give the other baby some breastmilk if they can have it?)

If he does take you to court it will be months before the case is heard and the babies will be more ready then. But I would suggest mediation first.

LizardOfOz · 20/05/2024 22:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2024 22:46

I don't think you and the babies should be doing all the long drives I think he should be doing at least half the travel (I know it's 'fair' for you to do it as you moved, but why should the children be stuck in the car? Can't he get a lift from someone?)

I also don't think the twins should be split- their first night away from you will be very hard for them anyway, let alone without each other for support.

What's his reason for wanting overnights now? How is that in their best interest?

Imagine the little baby he decides he does want to take - without his/her mummy and without his/her twin. Not knowing what's going on and where they are 😭

Contact is meant to be in the best interest of the child , not the (lazy) father

Hotgirlwinter · 20/05/2024 23:03

That would be a no from me.

You seem to be very accommodating and trying your best to facilitate his contact on his terms so honestly saying no you’re not comfortable splitting up twin babies isn’t unreasonable.

I would discreetly get some legal advice OP. I wouldn’t push the travel issue as it is you who moved away and often in contact orders this is reinforced - although with the babies being so young when you split, it may not be a consideration.

Get some advice, keep the offer of spending time with them open but be firm to say no that they are way too young to be split.

Original poster
Augustlion · 20/05/2024 23:06

Hotgirlwinter · 20/05/2024 23:03

That would be a no from me.

You seem to be very accommodating and trying your best to facilitate his contact on his terms so honestly saying no you’re not comfortable splitting up twin babies isn’t unreasonable.

I would discreetly get some legal advice OP. I wouldn’t push the travel issue as it is you who moved away and often in contact orders this is reinforced - although with the babies being so young when you split, it may not be a consideration.

Get some advice, keep the offer of spending time with them open but be firm to say no that they are way too young to be split.

That’s what I’m worried about, am I correct in thinking because I moved away I will have to facilitate all travel? When would overnights be accepted?

OP posts:
EileenCuisine · 20/05/2024 23:21

You moved back so you have support, that's understandable. If he wants more time with them, he'll have to get himself a car. Put it this way, from a CMS point of view, 'his time' is his arrangement, that is, it falls to him to make the journey. And I wouldn't be separating them, ever. If he wants more money involvement, he needs to step up and enable that for himself.

EileenCuisine · 20/05/2024 23:23

Not able to edit posts on the app. Not sure why it autocorrected to include the word 'money' in my post 🤷‍♀️