Tell me about your toxic mother

[TheseBootsAreWalking]

My DM and DSD are both over for a visit. They arrived 4 weeks ago, and are here for another 4 weeks. They live abroad, and my SIL just had a baby, brother getting married in June hence the long stay.

My DM is toxic. She has always been very difficult. Gaslighting is her thing and I constantly tiptoe around her forever changing moods. My DS is low contact with her due to the toxicity. Seeing they are staying at my place I cannot just ignore them. This will be the last time I have to cater to them as I will be moving into a smaller place soon with just one bedroom. Thankfully.

I have always tried to juggle things when DM is around but she really wades into me, its really hard to explain.

Anyone else out there who has a DM like this?

They are elderly and ones they are gone back home I will be keeping contact to the minimum. But for now I am just seething from the comments, the gaslighting, the emotional put downs, she really is a bitch.

Thanks all, rant over. Could go on though

8 weeks, you're a saint! Do you have any vices that you could partake of in the meantime to get you through?

That sounds unpleasant - 4 weeks! Wowsers. I would really struggle. Mine 'was' very critical and incredibly hard work. She has (undiagnosed as she won't go and nothing I do can convince her or my dad to do something) dementia-like symptoms and she has become incredibly small and less forthright in her criticism of me. It's sad, but also easier in some ways as I can feel sorry for her. I think you'll need a medal and a lie down once you're through it. And it sounds like you're redefining boundaries going forward and protecting your son. So well done!

Just reread OP! EIGHT WEEKS!!!

Yes since going to therapy I’ve realised my mum is emotionally abusive which explains why I seem to end up with men the same! She’s also neglectful and even now makes no effort with me, my siblings or her grandchildren - but in her mind she’s doing her best!!

I had no control over my life growing up - even in my teens. She chose all my subjects at school, she hated going out so none of us were allowed out. I was never allowed any boundaries so became a people pleaser. Had to tip toe around her moods. If I had a passion for something she would squash it immediately. She is erratic and odd. She’s very critical of me even now but to friends or family who ask about me she’d gush about how proud she is and all my accomplishments.

Yeah, 4 done, 4 to go.

@whosenameisthisanyway I have been wondering about dementia, there have been a couple of instances where I noticed a few odd behaviors, but then she will receive a visit from family and boom she is sharp as a fiddle and back to the put downs, for anyone to hear, and its awkward, I can take it, I grew up with this, but blimey I will need a long holiday.

She can be so two faced, and mean, just really mean lol

My mum is awful. I'm one of three siblings.

My older and younger siblings could do no wrong. She would compare me unfavourably to my peers. Always criticising everything I did.

I've been no contact with her and my siblings for years now.

Life is much better. My children are also grateful as they couldn't understand why their cousins got better treatment than them

8 weeks is insane. I couldn’t image DH or I managing 8 hours with DP/PIL.

My mother is a classic toxic narcissist. Golden child brother and I'm the scape goat. He can do no wrong and I can do no right! She was emotionally and physically abusive when I was a child. She's now just emotionally abusive and manipulative beyond words. She's a chronic victim and I'm the bad guy. The last straw for me was when she was seriously ill in hospital and my self and my dh scrubbed her filthy rotten house (golden child ran off and hid for 2 days because I was mean) dm came out of hospital and instead of thanking us , she complained because the house smelled weird (clean) and that we threw out anything that was covered in black mould. I went low contact after that and shortly after no contact when she threw a strop because I wouldn't bring my son to her house because it still wasn't clean.

@noideabutstilltrying yeah that is my mum all over. My younger DB is the golden boy, and I have an older sister who is minimal contact. Me and DS can see right through her which seems to make things worse.

She can be horrid towards dad as well, I really feel for him.

Thankfully they only visit once a year, but have now announced that they will be coming over for xmass for 1 month, and so I was thinking of a remote island in the pacific with no internet connection, anyone know of one? 😂

@Charlie2121 yeah thats my mother all over. Its so hard because I am the looser who just falls for the niceness she shows when hoovering me back in, when she knows she is loosing control. She was emotionally abusive when growing up, detached, and neglectful, a complete angel in the street devil in the home kinda woman.

I am so thankful for my therapist I am seeing, almost hugged her last week when I finally had my appointment with her. My family is really disfunctional

Lots of families are disfunctional to some degree. The key is to do whatever is needed to break the cycle for you own nuclear family.

DH and I both found it exhausting trying to please everyone in often quite difficult circumstances. In the end, several years down the line, we just gave up and decided to do exactly what’s best for us and not pander to others who we consider acted unreasonably towards us.

DH hasn’t seen or spoke with my father since before I was pregnant which was 4 years ago. I rarely see MIL. Maybe twice a year at most and we never speak on the phone or anything like that. We are a lot happier since stepping back.