Not sure I can cope on my own

[Llamallamadingdong]

I’ve been with DH for 13 years and we have a 12 year old DD. He’s a workaholic and we don’t see much of him and even when he is home he’s often on his laptop working.

We’ve had multiple arguments over this which always end in him saying he’ll try and work less. It lasts for a few days then slips into the same pattern.

For about the last 4 years I’ve been thinking about leaving. We are more like housemates who share the chores than a couple. Intimacy has long gone to the point I now feel awkward about it.

My worry is I won’t cope on my own. He’s helped me with quite severe mental health issues in the past and I’m worried how I’d handle it if these arise again. I do have some friends but live far away from my family.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

If he’s not much use when he is home what support are you really getting? could you move closer to family?

I am guessing he is quite useful. Does chores and provides for family too.

sometimes people need a bit of a kick to realise something is serious. Often we just think wife or husband is nagging so does he appreciate the seriousness of it. If you said it’s time to work less or face divorce he knows the consequences

Can you suggest couples therapy to make him realise you're serious? If you are lacking intimacy it might help there too (and if he is like most men he'll jump at the chance to improve that!). If it ends up you confront other things and realise it's time to go separate ways it might be better to do this with someone else to guide too.

So actually you do both need each other?
But there's something (significant) you're missing.... It's not bad, it's just lost some important good.
Sounds like it's not irretrievable - maybe counselling/therapy? It's not for me but works for some.
Remember to try rearranging the following into a well known phrase:
baby - bath-water - throw out - don't!

I have suggested couples therapy before, he said he’d struggle to fit it in with work but maybe I need to nag a bit about it.

@Dadjoke007 he is definitely useful at home, I have no complaints there.

How serious were your mental health problems? What happened?

Well the most obvious solution is to push your husband to be more assertive and have boundaries at work so he isn’t working so many hours

Do you think any of your MH issues are or were worse because of the unhappiness in your relationship? My depression was a million times better after leaving a miserable marriage. I thought I’d not manage either but I think my ex had infantilised me and made me feel I’d never manage. Turns out I’m very competent and although I struggle with some physical things as I nave a serious physical condition, my MH and confidence in my ability to be organised, capable and look out for myself has grown over the years I’ve been single.

Do you actually love him? Nothing in your posts suggest you do: I think I’d probably throw myself into my work and check out of family life if I felt my partner was only sticking around because I was useful at chores and providing and they were keen on getting my support with their mental health problems. It’s not surprising he’d rather be working when it sounds like a pretty miserable relationship for both of you. Supporting somebody with long term mental health problems is no cake walk and I’d imagine also fundamentally changed the dynamic of your relationship, which needs work to recover.

If you do still have feelings for him and think it’s salvageable then make the relationship counselling a priority. If you don’t and really do just want him around when you’re next unwell, neither of you are being well served by the relationship and need to end it.