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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is he doing this?

22 replies

lou1738 · 20/05/2024 16:59

I feel like a fool writing this as I never ever thought I'd let myself be taken for such a mug. I met someone off tinder in January and got on really well but decided between us we just wanted a bit of fun and nothing serious. Since then we meet once every other week and he's become quite possessive in saying that I better not be meeting anyone else cos he isn't and he doesn't talk to any other women. He really likes me and all that rubbish. I've since found out he's still on tinder and I set up a fake profile. We matched and he asked if I wanted to meet for a drink! What am I playing at? Then I've seen on his phone that he archives some of his WhatsApp messages including mine which means he obviously is meeting and messaging other women. I know I need to cut all ties with him as apart from all this there are a lot of red flags but I just can't seem to. I just need to know why he's doing this to me why not be honest.

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 20/05/2024 17:07

Oh come on, what would actually make you dump this creep if finding out directly that he's cheating doesn't do it?

DaisyChain505 · 20/05/2024 17:08

Why does it matter why he’s doing it. He’s doing it, that’s all that matters.

There is no way you could create a healthy and lasting relationship with someone like this.

Stop wasting your time and move on. You will only find someone decent and worthy when you are willing to remember what you deserve.

Ritadidsomethingbad · 20/05/2024 17:10

Actually you need to find out why YOU’RE doing this.

You both set out the boundaries that it was just fun. He lied about not seeing other women. You can’t let him go.

You can only control your own behaviour. You need to be looking at yourself right now

Cosmosforbreakfast · 20/05/2024 17:23

He's doing it cos he's an arsehole. End things and move on.

beatrix1234 · 20/05/2024 17:24

I’ll answer your question: he’s doing this because he intends to have a stable of female f-uck buddies, you’re probably his “Thursday girl”. He’s also a liar, a controlling jerk and lacking in the emotional mature department.

I would call off his bluff, block him everywhere and dump him like a hot potato 🥔 he’s also showing signs of controlling and abusive behaviour after only a couple of months so this guy is not safe. Run to the hills. This guy has more red flags than a Putin convention.

SamW98 · 20/05/2024 17:24

Ritadidsomethingbad · 20/05/2024 17:10

Actually you need to find out why YOU’RE doing this.

You both set out the boundaries that it was just fun. He lied about not seeing other women. You can’t let him go.

You can only control your own behaviour. You need to be looking at yourself right now

Totally agree. Hes doing it because he wants to and he can.

You say you can’t let go but all you’re getting is a once a fortnight shag with a controlling liar - why would you think that’s all you’re worth?

AlmostCutMyHairToday · 20/05/2024 17:25

You could go on that date with your fake profile and find out.

Whatdoido1987 · 20/05/2024 17:26

I'd send screenshots and say not to contact me again then block x

samestyle · 20/05/2024 17:27

Well now you know he's a lying toad, just move on, proudly put your dating profile back up. He can't handle a woman seeing him as something casual and lied to keep you hooked.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 20/05/2024 17:38

He's doing this so that he can know you are not sleeping with anyone else. Then he has a group of women who are only sleeping with him.

beatrix1234 · 20/05/2024 17:56

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 20/05/2024 17:38

He's doing this so that he can know you are not sleeping with anyone else. Then he has a group of women who are only sleeping with him.

Yep, it’s ok for him to f-uck around but not you because he’s too insecure at the fact you might fancy another guy (the horrors!), and this is only 3 months into a casual situationship, imagine being married to him. I would look him up in the Claire’s law, I bet he’s there. Highly insecure men make awful abusers and can be pretty dangerous.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 17:58

You should be smart enough to not care about the why. He's a dick. Block and move on.

PickAChew · 20/05/2024 17:59

Block him. Get an STI test.

GreyCarpet · 20/05/2024 19:06

Surely the answer to why is he doing this is obvious?

He's doing it because he wants to.

Because he gets ro have sex with multiple women but also because hebdoesnt want you to be having sex with multiple men.

Thats an ego thing though. Not because hebcares about you. He doesn't want to have to 'live up to anything'. He doesn't want you to be comparing him to your other current lovers and find him lacking. Most people don't want to know that the person they're currently shagging (even casually) is shagging anyone else. He's no different.

It's not rocket science!

waterrat · 20/05/2024 19:08

the poster above got it right

why are you doing this op?

Taurusenergy · 20/05/2024 19:14

I think you've seen everything you need to know about this guy.
He wants you to himself but he can see lots of other women. Wtf he's a weirdo possibly a narc. Dump his ass, you don't need to know why he's like it Run don't walk!

Saratoga212 · 20/05/2024 19:23

I just need to know why he's doing this to me

He'd probably do it to any woman he's involved with, if they let him.

It's not personal to you.

He'd do it to the other women too if they let him. Should they be asking "why is he doing this to me!".

Women who sit around thinking (wasting their time and emotion) "why is he doing this to me?! How can he do this to me" are missing the point that it's about his character and his motivations; it's nothing to do with you. I think we all have an ego that makes us think.we're special - we're not. If a man is a piss taking, lying, cheating, double standarded, manipulative dickhead....that's what he's like. None of us are going to change that.

why not be honest

He wants you to only have sex with him, but he doesn't want the same for himself. He has a massive double standards, he feels perfectly justified and comfortable in those, and he's ok with lying to enforce them.

Saratoga212 · 20/05/2024 19:34

apart from all this there are a lot of red flags

What red flags?

You need to get rid.

The fact that he's a hypocritical, double standarded, possessive, liar.... Is unlikely to be an isolated thing.

TheseBootsAreWalking · 20/05/2024 20:14

Run, he is telling you lies.

You are not the only one and telling you not to see anyone else is controlling.

I would toss this one back into space and gather up your worth, whatever he is telling you he will be saying to all the others. He is not to be trusted and no amount of love and devotion on your part will change him.

Original poster
lou1738 · 20/05/2024 20:19

lou1738 · 20/05/2024 16:59

I feel like a fool writing this as I never ever thought I'd let myself be taken for such a mug. I met someone off tinder in January and got on really well but decided between us we just wanted a bit of fun and nothing serious. Since then we meet once every other week and he's become quite possessive in saying that I better not be meeting anyone else cos he isn't and he doesn't talk to any other women. He really likes me and all that rubbish. I've since found out he's still on tinder and I set up a fake profile. We matched and he asked if I wanted to meet for a drink! What am I playing at? Then I've seen on his phone that he archives some of his WhatsApp messages including mine which means he obviously is meeting and messaging other women. I know I need to cut all ties with him as apart from all this there are a lot of red flags but I just can't seem to. I just need to know why he's doing this to me why not be honest.

I really do appreciate everyone's advice and like I said before I know what the answer is to all this basically to get rid and I will look back and think what the hell were you doing but right now my head is messed up. I recently split up with a partner of 15 years and I think at first I was probably enjoying the attention but now I just feel so down and fed up and don't know why I'm allowing myself to be involved with someone like that. Only I can help myself

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 20/05/2024 20:26

Take some time out OP. Learn to like your single life to the point that you won't accept any relationship unless it makes it hugely better.

You know why this one is behaving like this. Because your allow him to treat you like this. Figure out why

frozendaisy · 20/05/2024 20:32

He's doing it because he can
Double standards, it's quite common he isn't anything special, you can't see anyone else he can do what he likes.

Just message him now @lou1738 "hey there just to let you know this isn't working for me"

You will start to feel better and better as the days go by stating with this evening if you end it.

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