How do you know if someone likes you? I don’t mean intimate relationships but all relationships.

[Somethingstupiddone]

I’m really struggling to trust myself on reading the signs. What are they?

I don't think you do know immediately. It's trial and error. With friendships, for example, some people will enthusiastically suggest meeting again and then go silent. Or will seem distant but turn out to be preoccupied or shy but great friends over the course of a lifetime. It can take a while to work out how a good friend ticks if they show friendship very differently from you.

I think you discover slowly, over time, who enjoys chatting with you, laughs at your jokes, shares your outlook on life, is reliable in a crisis, or trusts you when they have one (but without using you).

The best way to discover quickly, is to be yourself. If you are a bit cheeky or sweary or have a passion for fitness or education, or hold strong opinions on politics or religion, let new people have a glimpse of that side of you without overdoing it, and then likeminded people will respond and others will back off.

What are the signs and context? It might be helpful to know.

I think I'm a good judge of character and always go on gut instincts. Yes it's made me a make a fool of myself sometimes but as my dad always said nothing ventured nothing gained.

I’ve read that people put in as much effort as they think you’re worth. How do I know if another’s view on enough is the same as what I deem enough effort?

I don't know. I've never thought about it in that way. What I will say is that generally people's lives are busier than ever which could effect how much effort goes in. I know there are times when I don't put as much effort into relationships of any kind depending on what's going on in my life and theirs at the time.

I find that the people who I think like me seem easy to be around, that's my biggest way of looking at things. They might not be in constant contact but when we are it seems natural. It's easy on many ways and there's an unwritten understanding of things. It's hard to describe and I may have totally misinterpreted what you are asking and answered way off the mark.

@RunningAhead I get what you are saying. I’m not a good judge really. I’ve often wondered if I’m autistic as I can’t seem to read situations and think I’m doing something wrong. With certain family members I think I can feel they aren’t keen on me. Eg not greeting, not asking how you are, would you like a drink. Feeling extremely uncomfortable and trying to fill in gaps because of the silence.

That sounds like they are not making any effort at all. That could be because they know they don't need to with you. If you are the sort of person who fills awkward silences, then you clearly are the sort of person who wants to make social interaction as nice as possible for the other person.
Instead of wondering if other people like you, switch it and ask yourself the question 'do I like this other person?'. If people aren't even acknowledging you, the chances are they're not likeable people anyway.
Have you tried mirroring their behaviour? See what they do in response?

Hi, I’m diagnosed with asd (high functioning autism) and can relate to what you’re saying very well. I tend to notice the right people are consistent in their behaviour towards you. So if they’re friendly at the beginning, they’ll stay that way and you’ll develop a bond from there. Consistency and trustworthiness, if someone says something mean about you they will stick up for you behind your back. If you do something embarrassing, they won’t laugh and they’ll either make you feel better or pretend not to notice. And these things will continue until you realise you can be yourself and not worry anymore :) that’s how I know any way, but it took me a while after only really having one or two close friends as a teenager and then developing more friends as an adult.

Also I forgot to add! They will always try to lift you up emotionally and make you laugh, because they want to see you happy. That is a true friend

@milkyway512 that sounds lovely. I’ve always suspected that I have Autism of some kind. I can never seem to judge a situation or trust how I feel about people or situations. I don’t walk away when I probably should because I can’t read between the lines.

1. Basic manners - like you say, not excluding you, greeting you, making you feel welcome in a group...moving aside so you can sit down.

If you say something, making eye contact and responding.

It doesn't need to be too formal, and some people can be shyer or there can be cultural differences, but you'll get a feeling for this.

1. Being interested in you and engaging with you when you talk but not overly nosy or judgemental or critical.

You don't feel like you have to beg to speak, or that anyone is going to be terse or negative or talk over you.

If you are a bit awkward or ramble on a bit, unless it's personally insulting someone, you shouldn't be called out or criticized.

Everyone has awkward moments.

People who like you won't humiliate or exclude you for it.

1. Treating you well regardless of how much they can get from you....often I find people can be "overly nice" if they think they can get something from me then rapidly switch if they don't think I'm giving them anything!

(this can be anything from contacts - if they think I have posh rich friends, or creepy men who want sex).

1. Like all things, this takes time and judgement and practice.

I don't think you need the person to feel like your best mate all of the time or overly gushy, but just a sense of "that went ok" so you're not worrying about things.

Stay independent (for example, don't rely on people for lifts, buy your own drinks) and see how they are over time.

People don't need to solve all your problems - that's your job ;-) - but accept you as you are.

You'll be surprised where you meet supportive people - don't judge on appearances.

1. Trust your instincts.

Looking back on when I was younger, if my instincts were that I wasn't wanted in a group, or someone felt a bit off...

My instincts were generally 100% correct..I felt like shit the more I engaged with these groups and people.

There's a lot of people who say "just be more sociable" or try to make it your problem or tell you to be nicer to win them over...

But especially as a younger woman (amplified if you're ND or not white or disabled) there often is a lot of hostility or micro-aggressions that you can't control just if your face doesn't fit for some reason.

You'll see the same group or people being welcoming or responding completely differently if someone different turns up! So you don't get offered a drink...but they do...you get ignored, they don't.

It's not your fault.

It's not your job to do something to make people accept you or win them over, just accept it and detach and move on.