What can I say to my broken father?

[TawnyHabenero]

He’s suffered from poor mental health since I was a small child, but always hidden it and been very good at pretending everything’s OK. For decades I have noticed self harm scars, vacant glum stares, erratic behavior. I think he has C-PTSD from time spent serving in the army.

My mum, his wife died 10 years ago and since then we’ve had no connection. We do see each other if only I initiate, and he’s a doting grandfather to DC, but all we do is small talk.

Lately he’s declined and I just wish I knew what to say to him. I miss him and feel sad to have spent so many years presuming and trying to accept he’s going to take his own life at some point or have an irreversible breakdown.

He’s deeply avoidant and appears to repress all emotions. When I try to talk to him it’s: ‘how are things?‘ ‘fine’. ’Are you struggling?’ ‘No, I’ll be ok’

I know you can only take responsibility for your own feelings etc., and can’t push someone to seek help but can only comment on your own feelings in relationship. I would love to have a conversation that helps him realise that if not for himself, he should sort his mental health because it’s ruined our relationship. …. So what can I say?

‘I feel disconnected from you’?
’I wish we had a relationship’?

Tell him you love him, you suspect he has internal struggles and that you could maybe help him find help and support.

I dont think making him feel like his struggles have caused damage to your relationship would be helpful. He likely feels shit already and is probably already doing his best.

You want something deeper but he may not be able to give you that.

That sounds really tough OP.
Would he consider therapy if you suggested it or at least talking to his GP?

No I wouldn’t say either of your suggestions as that puts a hint of blame or negativity onto what is clearly a very difficult and upsetting situation. You say he is a wonderful grandad- could you start with that? Was he a good husband too?

Could you write to him? Maybe a little less forceful than a discussion and suggest ways he could reach out to you or show you he cares? What would mean something to you? Can he walk? As in go for a walk with you? Or do you have old photos you could maybe take over to chat about and get some communication over a shared item?

The chat or letter could start with acknowledging that he has had some issues in the past but that he is a good grandad and some examples. And mention your mum too acknowledging that loss.

Dad- I am aware it’s hard for you to open up about your emotions and I know this will be a difficult conversation for you. First though I want you to know that I appreciate you have always tried to protect me from your struggles. You are a doting grandad and the kids love the way you always have time to help them fix their toys or have their favourite sweets in the house (insert own examples!)! It makes me happy but a bit sad too as I feel we aren’t as close as I would like us to be. I know mum dying was a huge loss to you, and I miss her too. I wondered if we could maybe meet for a walk/lunch and try to start talking a bit more? I want to be there for you and be able to share stuff with you too. I love you.

This is a lovely message.
💪@TawnyHabenero

Thanks all, such nice suggestions.

Should have mentioned in the OP that he actively despises therapy and I can’t see him ever engaging.

I guess I’m angry that he won’t sort his s*t out so that we can have the real him.

You’ve all given some great ideas, but honestly the thought of saying any of that to him makes me want the ground to swallow me whole. I also am avoidant, but have had therapy which has helped. But… although I can be more open with others, I cannot when it comes to DF.

@FastAquaDog You want something deeper but he may not be able to give you that.

You’re right. Maybe this is the crux of it and I need to work on my own acceptance.

What about a forces charity for PTSD? If he could at least meet fellow suffers it may help.

Could you maybe reach out to somewhere like Andy's Man Club for advice? Maybe they'll have someone in the area who could contact your father for a casual chat/invite him to the club? It could be that he feels he can't burden you with his troubles at the moment.

I guessed as much.

I have the same with both my parents. Not specific MH concerns in my case but they both had abusive childhoods and mine wasn't fantastic as a result. Our relationships are very superficial in that we don't have deep conversations or connections. Anything painful is very much ignored or swept under the carpet.

I've accepted that's just the way they are and a result of how they were raised. But I know they love me, and did their best and would be there to support me if I asked. Though I of course never would ask as we just don't have that kind of relationship.

Flowers 💐 for you.

Leave him alone. Not everyone wants therapy. Not everyone wants to talk about their feelings.

@TawnyHabenero Gently and kindly I would encourage you to continue with your own therapy and explore the relationship with your father there. You could do some inner child work which would help enormously.
It sounds really hard but reframing him in your mind might help with the anger which in itself is probably or possibly part of your loss.

There is a charity that helps veterans with mental health issues OP: https://combatstress.org.uk/

I'm sure you could reach out to them and ask their advice and then perhaps encourage your DF to do the same?

OP, l think, as you mention, the best thing is acceptance. l doubt you'd have any luck changing his opinions re therapy etc. if he's so opposed. However you can still interact with him especially if he is a good grandparent.
You don't say how old your children are but keep inviting him round regularly to see the children and spend some time with them. Or go to his if he's OK with that. Just keep the lines of communication open as best you can. It doesn't matter he can only manage small talk, it's still a connection.

True. But then what? Just let go of our relationship? I can’t bear the facade anymore, it’s too upsetting

I think it's fine and reasonable to say things like "I miss you", "you are important to me", "I really need you in my life", "can we spend more time together". If he's declined your invitations lately you can say these sorts of things to explain why you want to see him.

But I would avoid the two you suggested about feeling disconnected/wishing for a relationship as it implies blame and he may think you already have a relationship (sounds as though you do).

Beyond that, I do think you can only work on your own feelings towards your relationship and your upbringing. Try to get to a place of acceptance of what sort of relationship is on offer. You cannot force more than is available.

Imagine if he had been physically damaged by life events and was not able to walk with you or play with your kids, you'd have to accept physical limitations. In this case, he's been mentally damaged and you have to accept how he is. It's tragic, and sad for both of you, but he cannot change.